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I kiss Lydia’s temple, feeling her soft skin against my lips. The sun has risen, and it brightens the room, signaling the start of a brand new day.
“Morning,” she purrs, her hand sliding lower, softly stroking my chest, then my torso, until it skims the waistline of my boxers.
“I wanna talk first.” I place my hand over hers to stop it from going any further.
She looks disappointed, but I can’t put this off any longer. If she’s going to commit herself to me, she deserves to know everything.
A sick feeling washes over me as I get out of bed and get dressed. I’ve never spoken to anyone about this before, and I feel like I need to treasure every single moment of her like this before I taint her. I already know it’s gonna make her lose that sparkle she gets in her eyes whenever she looks at me.
“Get some clothes on. I need to take you somewhere.” I clamber back on the bed and press another kiss to her lips, then leave the bedroom and wait for her in the living room.
She follows me out sleepily a few minutes later, wearing another one of those cute summer dresses that makes her look so fucking pure I wonder if I can go through with this.
“You could at least let me shower,” she teases me with her pretty little smile, and I can’t help reaching out and stroking my finger over it.
“I want to get there early so we don’t see anyone.” I drop my hand into hers and lead her out the door to my bike.
It feels good having her on the saddle behind me, her arms wrapped around my waist like she’s always belonged there. I just hope this isn’t our last ride together.
I pull up in the yard and guide her down the path that leads to the chapel where we hold church, but instead of climbing the steps to the door, I move us around the back.
The vestry door is always bolted shut. We keep most of our stash in there. But what I want to show her isn’t inside. It’s buried, and that’s exactly where I thought it would stay until she came along and set my world on fire.
I kneel on the ground and reach under the steps, beginning to shovel out the dirt that gathers under them with my hand.
I dig up my sordid past, preparing to lay it all out for a person who I’m terrified of losing. And when I feel the metal scrape my fingertips, I shudder, but I don’t back out.
I tug at it until it becomes free and manage to pull it out of the shallow hole. Lydia stares curiously at the small metal tin in front of her.
It’s decorated with worn unicorns and heart stickers that I remember Beth sticking on. And when I pull the tiny key that will open it out of my cut pocket, I place it in Lydia’s palm, ball up her fist and kiss her knuckles.
She has it now, the key to all my secrets. The power is in her hands.
Lydia sinks to her knees and joins me on the ground.
“Whatever it is, it won’t change how I feel about you,” she promises, stroking her dainty little hand over mine. Her words don’t stop me from swallowing back the fear that it will change everything.
“When me and Squeal were kids, our step-father used to beat on us a lot. Squeal was loud and always fought back, but I never did. I learned fast that it was what Rick wanted, and I’d purposely hold back on him. But it did me no favors. Rick was always trying to push. He was desperate to get a reaction outta me.” I slide my dirty fingers over the tin. “He was always kind to Beth, though, never made her do chores, and was always sneaking her treats when Mama wasn’t looking. Me and Squeal used to be real grateful for that,” I start to explain, and Lydia takes my hand in hers, ignoring the mud clumped under my nails as she kisses my fingers and squeezes them firm.
“I found out why when I was twelve years old. Our mama used to work nights at the truck stop, and I’ve never been a good sleeper. I heard something that night, and when I went to check it out, Rick was…”
I have to take a breath because the words catch in my throat like they’re trying to choke me.
“He was on top of Beth, doing shit to her that he shouldn’t have been, and I stood and watched him do it.” The pain floods through my chest, and the tears sting my eyes as I admit to the girl who thinks I can protect her from anything, how weak and pathetic I used to be. “I stood and watched him because I was scared of him. He’d made me feel so powerless. I feared him so much that I let him hurt her.” I still struggle to understand how I let that happen. I’d forgotten what fear felt like until I met Lydia.
“Screwy, that’s understandable,” Lydia comforts me, her hand clutching mine back just as tight.
“She saw me watching, and I stayed with her. Hell, even she knew I wasn’t gonna stop him. I’ll bet she wished it had been Squeal who followed them out to the shed that night.” My vision blurs from tears as I see it all play over again.
“I tortured myself after that. I lay awake waiting to hear him go to her, and when he did, I’d get up and force myself to watch again and again.”
Lydia’s eyes widen in shock, confirming what I suspected. She doesn’t understand. I never expected her to. How can she when I don’t understand it myself?
“I wanted her to feel like she had someone there, sharing the pain with her. If I couldn't help her, the least I could do was suffer with her. And I fucking suffered. Believe me when I say it. Watching the person you love most in the world get hurt is a suffering like no other. It goes beyond physical pain.”
“I believe you,” Lydia tells me calmly, blinking back her own tears and trying to be brave for me.
“Rick knew I watched too. The sick fucker got off on it. He knew how scared I was of him. And I kept promising myself that when I was big enough, I’d stop him,” I confess, hating myself for doing too little too late.
