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There was a doctor who came in one day just before we got out. She was different from the others. I liked her. I took in what she said, even though I said nothing back.
She sensed the guilt inside me and told me to write Beth a letter. I thought it was crazy at the time. Beth was never gonna read it. But when we got here, I really wanted to give Squeal a shot at life. This place was perfect for him. It’s kinda perfect for me too,” I admit.
“So, I took her advice and wrote Beth that letter. Then I locked it in that box, buried it, and vowed to put it all to rest.”
“But you didn’t, did you?” she points out, sounding sad.
“No, there were a few minutes of every day that I used to think about ending it all like she did. I used to lie awake wishing Rick had shot me in the head that night, and for so long, I’ve carried a hate around for Beth.
I thought her killing herself was her punishment to me for making her suffer. Like she didn’t understand how hard it was for me to do nothing.
Then you happened. I saw you on that podium, helpless and needing someone to save you, and for the first time in my life, I was grateful that Rick didn’t shoot me because it meant I could save you.”
I stare at Lydia, hoping she can make sense of all this. I’ve never let anyone into my fucked up thoughts before.
“I’ve woken every morning since you’ve been in my life, wanting to live the day for you because I want to protect you from all the bad in this world.”
“So why did you push me away?”
The poor girl must be so confused. I never was good at explaining shit, and this is a whole heap of it.
Years of silence can do that to a man.
“Because I thought I was the bad. I’m still not convinced that I ain’t. I don’t wanna weigh you down with all my shit. Lydia, you’ve been through your own hell. But you ain’t broken. You smile, you laugh. You see the good in people. You even found some good in me. I want you to keep that. I don’t want to taint it.”
Lydia leans forward, her lips pressing onto mine, and I can’t react because how can this be real? How can she still want to be close to me after everything I told her?
“I love you, and there's nothing you have done or will do that will change that. Give us the chance to be happy.” Her thumb strokes a tear off my cheek.
“You have the key. You can open it and read everything I’d say to her if I had the chance.” I take her wrist in my hand, reminding her that she’s holding the key.
“No,” she shakes her head back at me. “Those are your words for Beth. I don’t need to read them. You just need to believe that she knows you mean them. And then you can let go.” She smiles at me warmly.
“I killed your father and his whore,” I confess, might as well lay it all out for her.
If we’re doing this, we’re starting a clean slate. No secrets.
I can’t hide the shock off my face when Lydia laughs. She actually motherfucking laughs.
I’ve created a monster.
“I knew if you hadn’t already, you would have. Because that’s what you do, Screwy, you protect me. That man was no father to me.”
This girl never fails to surprise me. I don’t give her the credit she deserves.
Lydia’s strong, she’s resilient, and I can’t believe she wants to be mine.
“And this is really what you want?” I check because what she sees in front of her is all I got to offer.
“All of it. What do I have to do to prove that to you? You want me to marry you or something?” When she rolls her eyes and giggles at me, suddenly it all becomes clear.
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I want,” I tell her. The thought of Lydia being my wife just became my new reason to fucking breathe.
“Now that is crazy. We hardly know each other,” she laughs some more.
“You know more about me than anyone else in this world, and I want you to be my wife.” I stare at her hard, my heart thumping while I wait for her answer. I don’t care if she thinks it’s crazy. For me, this is the first thing that’s made any sense in a really long time.
“Okay,” she beams back at me like the answer is simple.
