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I shoot up from the chair. The name, Lydia, that's my name.
Lydia is me.
Dropping the wool to the ground, I rush back inside and burst through the door into Screwy's room.
I’m taken aback by how I find him sitting on the floor in the corner with his head in his hands, and I must startle him because when he looks up at me, his dark-blue eyes look petrified.
“I remember something. My name,” I explain, with so much of that humming inside me I feel I might burst.
“It’s Lydia...my name is Lydia!”
Lydia.
The name is soft, delicate, and innocent.
It’s perfect for her.
I stare at her blankly, watching her face lift into a wide, bright smile that crashes into my soul.
“My name is Lydia,” she repeats. “The drugs they gave me must be wearing off.” She can barely contain her excitement, and all I can do is pity her.
Even with Maddy doing all she can, a name isn’t gonna be enough to find out where this girl belongs. I’m trying so hard to distance us. If she’s gonna make it out there in that big, nasty world, she can’t be dependent on me. She needs to get it out of her head that I will be the person to save her. Yeah, I got her out of that place, but she’s the only person who can get her past what it did to her.
“That’s great news.” My voice comes out flat, despite me trying to be supportive, but I can’t give her too much. I can’t let her in. It feels too cruel.
“You should speak to Maddy, she needs all the information she can get if she’s gonna get you back to your family,” I tell her, and her mouth moves to speak, but no words come out.
“You want to be alone?” she sounds disappointed as she takes a step back from the door.
No, what I want to do is take you to my bed and kiss every inch of your god damn skin.
I stare back at her blankly, wondering what the hell she wants from me. After all she’s been through I’d expect her to want distance from a man, especially one like me. Yet, here she is, standing in my door frame, looking at me like she wants me to go to her.
Am I reading her wrong? Seeing something that my subconscious wants instead of reality? She’s here though, right? Of all the places she could be, the places she should be, she chose to be with me.
I stand up and move toward her, watching the look of anticipation grow on her face as I get closer. It’s pretty, so why can’t I fucking stand it?
“It’s good news about the name. Lydia.” I feel strange saying her name, and I allow myself a few seconds to look at her up close before I step past her and, without turning back, I leave my cabin.
I feel myself falling apart as I walk out, heading for my bike. My nostrils flare, and fists clench like I’m about to step into a fight as I take the saddle.
The girl shouldn’t be alone. She's fragile. But I’m not what she needs. I should never have brought her here, but it puts a sour taste in my mouth whenever I think about the alternative.
Suddenly, I feel the need to hurt, the same way I do whenever I think about Beth.
Starting up my bike, I take a right turn out of the yard and head to the barn we use for a gym, and I’m relieved when I find it empty.
I go straight for the weight bench and lay back, taking the bar above me and extending my arms to push it up.
I pump until I feel my muscles start to burn, and then I push through and force myself to give more.
Age 12
“Where ya been, boy?” Rick asks as I step up on the porch. He got himself one of those home gyms last month and has been spending all his time out here drinking beer and using it lately.
I ain’t gonna tell him about the truth. Me and Cody have been making drop-offs for Terry McGuire, he pays cash, and we’re saving to get Mama her bracelet back from the pawn shop. If Rick knew there was money in the house, he’d say it belonged to him.
“Just playing out in the woods.” I go to move past him, but he blocks me.
