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“Lydia,” I whisper her name, not wanting to startle her. She looks so peaceful, and it’s too easy to pretend that she hasn't been through hell when she looks like this. “Lydia,” I try again, this time placing my hand on her arm and gently shaking her.
She flinches, her eyes opening wide, and when they settle on me, I notice how she relaxes into a smile. Looking around her, she slowly realizes she’s not where she should be, and her pale skin turns pink.
“I’m sorry, I had a bad dream, and you weren't here.” Her teeth sink into her bottom lip, making it impossible not to think about kissing them. I can’t recall ever kissing a girl before, not on her lips anyway. It always seemed a little pointless to me.
Suddenly, I feel fucking guilty for not being here to make her feel better.
I’m torn between right and wrong with this girl.
She shifts to get up, and when the covers fall off her body, and I realize she's wearing nothing but her underwear, I have to swallow the lump in my throat, ignoring the fact my cock’s just jolted to life like a teenage boy watching his first porno.
“I’m sorry.” She looks down awkwardly, grabbing the covers and pulling them back around her. I really wish she’d stop apologizing for every little thing like that.
“I’m gonna make you breakfast, then you need to speak to Maddy and Alex.” I walk back out to the table to grab the clothes, marching back into the bedroom and dropping them on the bottom of my bed. “Alex sent them,” I explain before leaving her to get dressed.
I don’t have much in, as food goes. I need to go to the grocery store or at least put an order in with Marilyn. But I manage to scrape something together from what’s in the fridge. Lydia comes out of the bedroom just as I’m serving up, and I struggle to hold my mouth shut when I see her wearing the tight jeans and v-neck T-shirt Alex sent for her. She looks so normal, almost like she could belong here, but I really need to drain that thought out of my mind because she doesn’t.
“Eggs.” I focus on the plate in my hand before placing it on the table, and she takes a seat and picks up the fork I laid out for her. I watch her bring the food to her lips and eat. Everything she does seems to fascinate me, and when she starts to blush, I realize how obvious it is that I’m staring and quickly set to serving my own up.
I sit opposite her, and we eat in silence, her eyes smiling at me as she devours the food I made her and her nose twitching ever so slightly when she drinks the coffee.
“Do you have to leave today?” she asks when we’ve finished, her eyes not brave enough to look up from her plate.
“I need to grab some groceries,” I point out. “I can do that while you talk to Maddy.”
“I’m afraid.” I’m not sure if she meant to say those words out loud, but she’s committed now, so she continues. “I don’t like it when you're not here. I’m scared they might come for me.” Her confession feels like a blunt knife slowly sinking into my heart. I want to hold her the way my brothers comfort their old ladies, the same way Squealer holds Alex when she gets upset about Abby. But Lydia ain't my old lady. She’s someone I have to let go of.
“No one here would let them take you again,” I promise, taking her plate with mine and tossing them in the sink. I can’t look at her. I can’t allow her weakness to suck me in. I feel her come up behind me, her hand resting on my shoulder and willing me to turn around and face her.
“You just need to focus on finding out who you are, Lydia. Leave any worrying about them to me.” I stare into the sink, refusing to move.
“I’m tired of trying to remember. It hurts my head, and I keep getting other memories, ones that I’m sure I’ve tried to forget. I had a dream last night. It was the first time I met him. I was in some kind of cell, and he asked my age.”
“How old are you?” I snap, quickly turning around to face her.
“The man I couldn’t see told him I was eighteen, but that was before I was trained. Before him.”
“Him?” I don’t realize that I'm squeezing her wrists until her eyes timidly fall to where I'm holding her.
“My trainer, the man who prepared me.”
I feel fucking sick.
“He taught me how to take the pain, how to…” Her lashes bat and her cheeks flush. "How to please with my mouth.” I drop her wrists from my hands and drag them through my hair before I accidentally hurt her.
“I thought you were…” Shit, I can't say the fucking words.
“I am. I wasn’t allowed to be broken, but sometimes he broke the rules and touched me where he wasn’t supposed to. It was always gentle so he wouldn’t ruin me.”
I feel like the breath is being sucked from my body, and I can't lose my shit now, not in front of her. I grip the work surface behind me and try to steady my breathing, but it’s hard with the heat building up in my veins.
“I had to let him, or I wouldn’t be able to eat. He wouldn’t let me use the bathroom either, and I'd be punished if I… made a mess.” She looks really ashamed now, and it makes me want to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go.
Instead, I try counting to ten with long, steady breaths, but it’s too late. My mind isn't my own anymore. I haven’t felt this angry since we found Beth in the bathroom with blood pouring from her wrists. Squealer tried to stop her bleeding by pinching her skin together. I can hear him screaming for me to call an ambulance. The white tiles on the floor were swimming in blood and sticking to my sneakers. There was so much of it, too much for her to still be alive. I knew long before he was prepared to give up that she was gone. But that’s my brother for you. He’s relentless.
“Screwy… you're scaring me.” Lydia’s soft, gentle voice drags me back to the present and what she’s just told me, and I realize that I must have shifted. I’ve somehow spun us around, and I have her caged. Pinned between me and the work surface, that I’m still gripping with both hands.
“Come back to me. I’m sorry.” Her hands are on my face, framing my jaw and forcing me to look into those blue eyes that, despite all the torment they carry, burst with fucking hope.
