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Despite her need to keep Nina and Miss Jeffries with her, it was with enormous relief when she told her friends goodbye the day they returned to Daingerfield.
She needed Gage out of her house.
As if some awful switch had powered on without her knowledge - despite her genuine grief over losing her beloved Bennett so recently - her body went rogue when he was anywhere near her.
Every night beside her husband, Rowan had dreamed about Bennett touching her. It comforted her and she welcomed the chance to touch her husband in a dream state since she couldn’t do so in life.
After their hours together before Bennett’s death, her dreams of him turned to nightmares.
Then Gage reappeared in a much more intense capacity than when she’d dreamed of him at college. She knew the logistics and the pleasure possible now - thanks to Bennett - and her mind embellished everything.
It was jarring to have another man intrude in such a way when she loved and missed Bennett so much.
Despite her mental focus on Bennett before she closed her eyes, it was Gage who appeared to touch her in her dreams. She woke aching, breathless, touching herself.
The shame was crippling.
No matter the hour, she climbed from her bed to shower, anxious to scrub away the physical evidence of her betrayal of the man who’d done everything right from the start.
Bennett had earned her love, her loyalty.
Over the following weeks, to numb her mind and exhaust her body, Rowan threw herself into Bennett’s company.
She was officially named president and CEO, assuming the helm of one of the largest companies in the United States at the age of twenty-six.
She didn’t give interviews.
She didn’t leave the house.
Rowan ran a few miles every morning, worked in her home office for twelve hours a day, and begged the universe to help her make Bennett proud.
Three weeks after the funeral, James and Mary-Margaret gave up on Rowan asking for their help. She was sitting behind Bennett’s desk, crying softly as she remembered how many times she’d come to this spot to be near him, to talk to him.
They appeared on either side, essentially cornering her.
“Alright, darling,” Mary-Margaret began softly, “enough is enough. It’s time to talk about the thing that’s flooding you with guilt, interrupting your sleep, and causing you to fill every moment to keep from thinking too much.”
“I miss…”
“We know you miss Bennett, Rowan.” James crouched beside the chair. “That isn’t whatthisis.”
Horrified, she whispered, “I-I can’t…”
Leaning against Bennett’s desk, Mary-Margaret crossed her arms. “Many years ago, when I was in my early thirties, my husband was hit by a car and killed.” Rowan gasped softly.
“I’d known him all my life. We were high school sweethearts and he remains the love of my life.”
“I’m sorry, Mary-Margaret.”
“I adored him, had built my entire life around him, and deeply missed him to the core of myself. I still do.” She cleared her throat. “Three days after his death, I slept with his best friend.” Rowan’s eyes went wide. “A man who’d been in love with me as long as I’d been in love with Henry but I’d never noticed. The guilt ate me alive and I sabotaged what likely would have been a fulfilling, beautiful follow up to what I shared with my husband. I martyred myself, you see. Became a paragon of virtue, pining over a man who could never touch me again, never love me again. I regret walking away from Ed to this day and it’s been almost thirty years.”
“I…” Rowan didn’t know what to say.
“Humans are fascinating creatures, Rowan. We’re meant for connection with others and that makes us weak even as it makes us strong.” Reaching out, she smoothed her palm over Rowan’s hair. “Before you met Bennett, you were deeply in love with a man. A mortal, flawed man who made a mistake that cut you to the quick.”
Tears fell rapidly but Rowan didn’t wipe them away.
“Bennett knew how you felt about Gage. You were honest when he asked and he was honest when he told you that your heart was big enough to love more than one man.”
