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“It hasn’t been there all this time and suddenly...it was.”
“You’re human. You’re in the prime of your life. Let’s not forget that you’ve only very recently become sexually active. You were given a sample of what’s possible and immediately lost the man who showed you.” She sighed heavily. “You proved your love for Bennett over and over again, Rowan. No one doubts your loyalty or devotion to him, darling. No one except you.”
“Bennett would…”
James laughed. “Bennett cycled at least a hundred women through his life before you came along, Rowan. He actively pursued women he saw across a room, flipped them inside out for a single night, and never spoke to them again. That’s who he was in his prime. Had you met him before his heart trouble, he would have coaxed you to the nearest bed within days and taken you every chance he had. Don’t think he would judge you, Rowan. He understood need and want better than anyone.”
Mary-Margaret nodded. “Dreaming of a man, having sex with a man, and loving a man who isaliveis an acceptable response to losing one to death who can never love you, never touch you again. Stop torturing yourself for your perceived failings, Rowan. Your life is your own and it’s only just beginning. Take what you want, what you need, and use the Jefferson fortune to insulate you from the prying eyes of others who haven’t walked in your shoes.”
Straightening, the assistant said, “You have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. I made it when you didn’t get your last period.”
Despite the weight of their conversation, Rowan laughed. “You track my periods?”
“Darling, I track everything. How many miles you run, how many hours of sleep you get, and so forth. I love counting things and making lists. Something you know well.”
Inhaling deeply, Rowan murmured, “Maybe my hormones are just messed up. It could have been a fluke. I-I can’t possibly want Gage again after all this time.”
Snickering, Mary-Margaret headed for the door to her small office beside Bennett’s. “Keep telling yourself that, Rowan. It will make the culmination so much more interesting to watch.”
Rowan looked at James. “You’re a man…”
“So I’ve been told,” he said with a smile.
“If-if you were Bennett, if the woman who loved you - that you loved - lusted after another man the day she held your funeral...would you hate her?”
He took her hand between his. “Rowan. You know Bennett wanted you to love again...where do you think love starts? It’s some part of youtuning into something about another person. With you and Bennett, it was your crush made manifest. You fell in love with his mind first and proximity made you fall for the rest despite rarely being able to touch him. You loved Gage for years and I know you were physically attracted to him.” She nodded. “There’s no way he didn’t touch you, kiss you, before everything went wrong.”
“H-he did. He was waiting until I was eighteen to be with me.”
“Did you like the way he made you feel?” She nodded slowly. “Did you look forward to the rest?”
“I counted the days.”
“And thennothingfor five years. No boyfriend, no physical contact, no relief until you met Bennett.” He shook his head. “Youlovedhim,wantedhim, and received one night with your husband that’s understandably overshadowed by how it ended.”
“I wanted forever…”
“You can’thaveforever. Not with Bennett. Youcanhave something - however much or little you see fit - with Gage. I also think it would give you some closure to your past pain.”
Clearing her throat, she kept her eyes down. “I don’t think I can think clearly until I know for sure if I’m pregnant.”
“Then let’s answer that question first.”
Looking into his eyes, she whispered, “Thank you, James.”
“You’re welcome, Rowan. One thing at a time. One day at a time. Be gentle with yourself and stop holding yourself to some standard you think Bennett would have for you. You’re a good person through and through. He knew that. You’re also human. He knew that, too.”
Patting her hand, the bodyguard stood and left the room. Rowan turned in Bennett’s chair and stared out over the back of the estate. In the distance, she could see the roof of the mausoleum that held the body of her husband.
“How strange life is without you in it. I miss you.”
Standing, she returned to her own office and got back to work. It felt good to do things, accomplish things, to keep her mind busy.
As for her body, it had its own agenda.
* * *
The following afternoon, James and Mary-Margaret stood beside her when the doctor returned to the room to give her the lab results.
