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Epilogue
At six days old, Benji was examined by the best pediatric cardiologist in the world to determine if he’d inherited spongiform cardiomyopathy from his father.
It had remained undetected in Bennett for more than fifty years. The wear and tear on already damaged tissue had been too far gone once it was diagnosed to save him.
A brilliant female specialist was flown in from Europe and received temporary hospital privileges in Austin. After hours of tests and breaks for Rowan to feed Benji, the doctor came into the exam room and nodded with a smile.
In heavily accented English, she said, “Your baby’s heart is strong and healthy, Mrs. Jefferson.”
James murmured, “He got his mother’s heart.”
The doctor nodded. “I will return in a year to check growth and do more tests. I have run every test possible at his age. I do not believe you have any reason to worry but I will follow up for my own peace of mind, yes?”
“Yes, thank you. Thank you so much.” Rowan sobbed in relief as she held her baby close.
Blotting her eyes, Mary-Margaret said, “Itold youall would be well.”
Sniffing as she looked into her son’s sweet face, Rowan laughed. “You did. You were right as usual.”
A few days later, she began to have strange dreams that bordered on nightmares. Dreams that made her wonder if Bennett hadn’t placedhissoul inside their son when he died. It seemed ridiculous, but painful sensations of guilt and confusion stayed with her when she woke.
It was early morning and still quiet. Another nightmare woke her before dawn and she did what she could to stay busy until the rest of the house started their day.
Rowan tucked her breast into the nursing bra and lifted Benji to her chest to burp him. Once he gave her a good one, she lowered him to her lap to check his diaper.
Stroking through his dark hair, she murmured, “I hope you get your father’s beautiful green eyes, darling.”
Benji rarely cried but stared at Rowan with such intensity that it made her zone out. Shaking herself from her strange introspection, she started to cry. Holding him to her chest, patting his back, she tried to get herself under control.
Every day since his birth, she experienced painful crying jags that shook her foundation for hours. She’d hoped things would improve after her six-week checkup, but didn’t mention her stress to her doctor when the man gave her a clean bill of health.
Gage walked on eggshells around her and Rowan knew he believed she had second thoughts after their time together.
Rowan needed him desperately but didn’t want to tell him all the thoughts in her head. Evensheconsidered them insane.
Placing Benji in his bassinet, she told him, “Just a moment, darling. Let Mommy pull herself together.”
She washed her face and struggled for calm. Carrying her son downstairs, she sat on the porch to watch the sunrise.
Turning Benji in her arms so he could see the sky change colors, she explained, “I’ve always loved watching the sun come up. It makes me feel like anything is possible.” She smiled. “Do you know that your father had never watched it until he met me? He loved to sleep late.”
Gurgling, her son looked up at her.
“I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what to do, darling. If I tell anyone, they’ll think I’ve lost my mind. Maybe I have…”
“You haven’t lost your mind, sweetheart.” Gage’s voice from the other side of the porch startled a small scream from her. “I knew I should have pushed.”
He slipped from Teddy’s saddle and dropped the reins over the rail. Coming up the steps, he knelt on the floor in front of them.
He grinned at Benji. “Young man, you’re gettin’ bigger by the minute. Come here.” Gage took Benji from Rowan’s arms. He was holding her son. It was the first time since the day he delivered him. “Your mama has been real quiet. I thought it was me but now I understand.”
“I-I didn’t mean to keep him from you,” she said weakly.
“Childbirth is hard and emotional. You’d already been through a lot before this guy entered the world. I wanted to give you space and time to adjust. At the time, it felt strange pushin’ myself into things. I saw your light before dawn again this mornin’ and knew somethin’ wasn’t right.”
“I think…” She stopped and gathered her courage to say the words she hadn’t said aloud to anyone. Staring at her son, she whispered, “I think it’s Bennett...that Benji has Bennett’s soul.” Lifting her eyes, she hated the tears. “My-my dreams are awful. I can’t sleep and I-I’m crying all the time. I didn’t want anyone to know.”
Gage stared at her for a long moment. “Oh, honey.” Leaning forward, he hugged her with Benji between them. “I shoulda come sooner. I’m sorry.” As she sobbed, he held the back of her head.
