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“I don’t.” Except that it wasn’t true and seeing his father standing there he felt all the anger and rage and guilt that he’d felt bout Cal’s death swelling inside of him.
He was a heartbeat from opening his mouth and letting loose on his father when his dad rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head.
“I know that I failed you and your brother in ways that I never realized. Cal reacted to everything so emotionally I guess more like your mom but you have always been like me. Just tamp it down and hide it from the world.”
His father walked further into the room, looked down at the plate that was on the table and put his hand on Max’s shoulder, squeezing it. “Everyone thinks I don’t feel and I know that you give that impression too. But the truth is I think you feel as much if not more than Cal did and you just have a tough shell to keep it all in.”
He agreed with his dad. “And? How do I let Angelica know that I care, Dad, because right now I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m an asshole and I don’t blame her? She made this for me. It’s everything I couldn’t say about Cal and she saw it.”
His dad gave him a rough hug, which wasn’t like him, but Max realized he needed it. He hugged his father back and they stood there like that.
“I don’t know,” his dad said at last. “But I think telling her is the first step.”
“It’s hard,” Max admitted. “I hate all of this. And I remember with Cal how I could only think about him by shutting off my emotions because he made me vulnerable. How can I let Angelica in and not do the same? Is it better to walk away now?”
“No,” said a soft female voice from the door and he realized his mom had come in while they’d been talking. She came over to the two of them, wrapping her arms around them. “You need to talk it out. We should have talked about things more.”
“Your mom is right—I wish I’d talked to you and Cal more, maybe…”
“No, Dad, don’t go there. I’m not sure we could have done anything else for Cal,” he said to his father. They had both tried to do what they could.
His mom took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “As much as it hurts to admit we couldn’t save him, I know that we all did everything we could. But you haven’t done everything you can with Angelica. If you love her and want to keep her in your life, you’re going to have to be vulnerable with her. Tell her how you feel.”
“I don’t know what to say,” he admitted. His heart was heavy with all the pressure he was putting on himself, but he realized that Angelica had helped give him back his brother to help him process his guilt and pain.
“It doesn’t have to be perfect, son,” his dad said. “Just heartfelt.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really. Go find her,” his mom said.
He hugged both of his parents and they all went back to the party just as Angelica emerged from the powder room with Cosima. He could tell Angelica had been crying and Cosima gave him an angry look.
“Can we talk?”
Cosima pushed past him and his parents left as well. He hoped she’d give him a chance to talk and discuss this. She said she loved him; maybe that meant he could still save things and get the one thing he wanted for Christmas but hadn’t had the courage to ask for.
*
“Yes. But thisisn’t the place for this discussion,” she said.
“No. It’s not. Want to go to my place and talk or yours?” he asked.
She did, but she knew it would take time to get away from her parents and family unless they snuck out, which didn’t seem like the right way to go to talk about the future.
Why couldn’t she be more like other people and less like herself? She always pushed too hard and led with her heart. She could have just cruised along with Max, enjoying being in love with him until after Christmas or New Year’s when he left. But she couldn’t. She needed to know if this was real, and once she got an idea in her head she needed it resolved now.
“Let’s go say our goodbyes and then I guess your place would be best given that Cosima will be coming back to the townhome at some point tonight.” She wasn’t sure what he wanted to say to her. She had left that room feeling like everything was over but she knew it wasn’t. Something was tying the two of them to each other.
“Sounds good,” he said. He held his hand out to her.
Her heart sped up as she took his hand. A warmth spread through her and her heart hurt at the idea that she might not be with him for the rest of her life. But he needed her. She could feel that and Max was vulnerable. Maybe she had pushed too hard and not taken his wishes into account. But when she loved someone she went all in.
She wondered if she was pushing because it was scary to know that someone meant that much to her. Scary to admit to herself and to him that she wanted him by her side. Especially since there was no way of knowing if he felt the same.
Love had to be the scariest of all the emotions.
There was no two ways about it. She had to trust in something she couldn’t see, couldn’t touch and was finally understanding she’d never truly experienced before.
