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“Are you okay, Pheebs?” He rubs my back gently. I love the way he smells after a nap. It’s like he found an oasis in his dreams, jumped timelines, and brought back the scent of the warm sun.
“I missed you.” Pulling my hands tighter around him.
“Awe, missed you too, baby.” His lips are on my hat; even when he starts to lose his grip, I don’t loosen mine.
“Babe? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Enzo tries to find my face, but I don’t want to talk; I just want to feel. The rest must have done him good because he is back to himself.
“No more words, Enzo.” I finally let go; I strip off my sweaty shirt and push away the rest of my clothes. Grab the thin bath robe and put it on. I walk out to the balcony and watch the sky of orange and pink mix together.
I close my eyes and listen to nature speak, the animals sing their song. As night invites us in, we are witnessing the minutes of the present become history. The moon makes an appearance, its light leaving us enough glow to eat dinner Enzo went and grabbed for us. I can feel his eyes on me. I want to tell him I don’t know why I have the blues. Sometimes I can’t explain it myself.
“When I was a teenager, my dad was in the Navy. He was very strict and expected nothing else but for his word to be the law. I have a brother and two sisters. I’m the older son. I was supposed to follow in his footsteps, want the same things he wanted. My dad wanted me to be everything I think he knew I wasn’t.” Enzo pushes our plates away.
He grabs a blanket, pulling me to sit down and watch the stars. I scoot back into his chest, and he wraps the blanket around us, kissing my cheek before going forward.
“I think I was fourteen when it started to get to me. The first time I hurt myself, it was okay because it would make me stronger like my dad wanted me to be. Like he needed me to be. The pain was an escape, but it felt good, you know?” I reach for Enzo’s arm and remember the straight scars on his forearms. My fingertips have memorized the pattern, when they start and end.
My head falls back on his shoulder as I close my eyes, trying to imagine a teenage Kenzo.
“I didn’t mean for it to get so bad; it was tiny at first. No harm, no foul. But then I turned sixteen; I was tall but still skinny. Dad had me lifting weights; he was showing me drills. I needed to be ready, he said. The weak don’t survive the Navy. I guess he thought I was weak and would embarrass him if I didn’t grow into a man before my birthday. The pressure was consuming; I couldn’t keep up with his standards. I felt I only had one choice left.” Enzo’s voice catches on to his truth; I shift my face to see his eyes drip with tears.
“Honey.” I cover my hand over his heart.
“No one should feel like that, Phoebe. No one should think that life isn’t going to get better. I was a kid; I was trying to do my best.” His face is wet with sorrow, and I cling to him, wanting to protect him from the memories in his head. He sucks in a strangled sob before saying the rest. “My mom found me. I can still see her face; her eyes were wide. Mouth open like she was about to sing a nursery rhyme in Japanese. She usually did that when we were little and wouldn’t calm down. I don’t know the words, but it was soothing.”
Enzo takes away all my unknown sadness and puts a name on it as his own.
“I was so ashamed she found me. I never thought about what might happen after, the mess I might have made. Whatever would have happened, I just didn’t want it to be her suffering along with me. She wasn’t scared; she picked up my basketball jersey and wrapped it around my wrist. She held on tight, and then she started to apologize, Phoebe. My mom kept saying how sorry she was, like it is was her fault I wanted to end my life.” My boyfriend is bearing his soul to me.
I turn, get to my knees, and clutch his trembling body to mine. Enzo’s tears wet my skin; they bathe the robe in fresh water prints. Snot runs from his nose, but it doesn’t bother me. I embrace the man I love because I want nothing else but to continue loving him. Letting him know he is worthy of the love.
“Mom said, it’s okay, told me I didn’t need to decide right now. She took me to the Navy hospital on the base, where I lied and said I was cutting food in the kitchen with my mom. They probably knew I was lying. But they also knew my father. After I got stitches, they gave her pamphlets on teenage hormones and confidence. Like what happened could take away what I had done.” He wipes his face on my breasts. My heart beat thudded against my ribs at his words.
“We sat in the car. I waited for her to say something. Anything, how I was disappointing her and Dad. How I shouldn’t be so weak, how I would never make it like a man if I didn’t toughen up.”
“Enzo, baby…” I don’t know how much more I can hear without it tearing my soul apart.
“She didn’t say anything like those things. Instead, she placed her hand over my mine in pure Kumiko fashion. My mom looked me in the eye, and with the other hand tapping her heart, she said, ‘my son,my son.’” Enzo breaks away and makes the same gesture against his own heart. “She cried, I cried, it was the first attempt, and there was one more. But I always remember this one because it’s like she knew how I felt.My son, she said like she understood my thoughts for once.My son,my mother, repeated with so much pride I couldn’t take it. I was so embarrassed, ashamed to bring my moment of emptiness to her awareness. But she called me her son; she wanted me even if I wasn’t going to be what my father wanted. My mother loved me more than any expectation my dad had. Kumiko loved Kenzo, and she was sorry she wasn’t protecting me. She was so sorry she didn’t notice. But I didn’t want her to see that side; I didn’t want it to exist, Phoebe.” His words have him trembling, his mouth shaking from the scene.
I can’t breathe; I try to take a breath, but there is nothing that will comfort me from hearing those words about the person I love most in this world.
“Fuck, Enzo.” My tears are scratching at my face as I fist his shirt, never wanting to let him go.
“I promised I would do better, be better. But my mother stopped me. She put her fingers to my lips, and she said, ‘no, I promise to do better; we do better together.’ She wanted me to know I wasn’t alone.” Enzo’s eyes reflect the moon above us. His tears mimic the mirage along the waves.
“You’re not alone, baby. You’ve never going to be alone. I promise.” I kiss his forehead, I kiss his cheeks, I kiss his nose, mouth, chin, everywhere I can.
Enzo kisses me back with more frenzy. I hold on tight to him, my tongue licking his tears away. His mouth travels down my neck, and I promise myself to him forever. I want to shed my skin to show my battle wounds. Pull back the layers of the walls I have built so he can feel safe and find a home.
My eyes tangle in his; our words aren’t controlled; they fly away. Enzo’s fingers push away the robe. The people on the beach are loud with a joy we aren’t familiar with. But we are both on a similar path trying to chase the destination of pleasure.
I put back my shoulders and waited for him to take the lead. Enzo’s hand dips between my thighs, and he feels the moisture between my lips as he rubs me. My tongue is against his pulse; my favorite flavor of human is him. I reach down the caress his length under his shorts. He stops me, backing me up until he pulls us both up to stand. Enzo flips me around, and we walk over to the railing.
His mouth is nibbling on my shoulder; I let a moan be used as payment to keep the pace. Enzo pushes down his shorts and rubs his groin against my backside. He moves my hair to the other shoulder, pressing my torso to bend until he can gain access.
“Baby.” Enzo’s voice ripples on my skin as I feel him pull on his dick before he pushes it inside my vagina. I am leaning against the edge, my boobs bouncing against the railing. Tourists are dancing and drinking half a beach away, but they don’t see us. Because we are in our own world, establishing a law of love and acceptance.
“Enzo.” I reach down to dance my fingers around my clit. He thrusts into me, so slowly, like the imprint might fade. It is a sweet motion making me go on my tippy toes so he can aim for a new angle.
