AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Turns out loving you has made me cold.
I loved you.
I thought that love would continue. Until my body would perish in a fire you started.
It ricochets throughout my entire body and I love many things, one of them always being you. I miss you like an invasion of peace.
“Where did you go to college?”
“I didn’t.”I wonder if you did, if that is why you are asking. But I later find out you just turned twenty-one, how simple. I am nineteen about to be twenty, so I tell you that number instead.
“What? How did you get this job? Traveling and getting hired to take pictures?”
“Talent.”Again, pure, honest, and straightforward.“Aren’t you going to let me kiss you?”I ask for permission to seal a sweet one on your lips this time.
“What do you gain from a kiss?”Reward; you wanted to know the benefits before the battle.
“What comes after.”It’s a promise I have found the courage to offer you this one time.
“So it isn’t just a kiss; it is the opportunity of more.”You like the sound of it, and so do I.
“Come on, just one little kiss. What could one smooch do?”I tempt you like a true woman with a red apple. You need to know what I taste like, and I need to savor it for later.
“Sometimes, just one kiss can be enough.”You get nervous as I approach you, put both hands on your shoulders like I know what I am doing like I have done this before.
I hover over your lips; I don’t kiss you. I let my lips ghost over yours, leaving the perfect imprint on the corner of Enzo’s mouth.
You are running away, Enzo, sprinting in an athletic ability I wish I had the stamina for. I could have run too. The dust followed your immediate if not desperate path, but I looked down and planted my feet. Deep roots to the earth, mountains that sheltered us from expectations. I challenged you to move, and with permission, you fled. You accused me of being too strong; I looked at the shame when I used to blame you for being too weak.
Yet now you are free.
Yet now I am resolved.
“Crater Lake, Cuyahoga Valley, Death Valley, Denali, Dry Tortugas, Everglades, Gates of the Arctic, Gateway Arch, Glacier Bay, Glacier, Grand Canyon, Grand Teton.” It’s a song I will never get tired of; it is consistent. It is doctrine. Whether you admit it or not, we looked good together, and even worse, the air shifted and matched us as a pair.
The first time I went outside the country was a few months after I left home. I think I was still seventeen at the time. But I had my passport, and away I went. It wasn’t to Mexico or Canada. I grab my duffle bag and board the plane. Those probably would have been a nice warm-up, but you know me, I wasn’t one for checking to see if the water was cold before I jumped in the deep end.
Iceland.
Can you imagine me as a seventeen-year-old going to Iceland like I had the balls to make it happen? I didn’t even know who I was; I still don’t. But the point is, I knew one thing, I wasn’t going to find it back in Washington state. Hiding in my bedroom while my grandpa watched John Wayne movies while my mom was searching for her next job.
I wasn’t going to be like them. Because I wasn’t.
They call this place the Isle of Skye. Its name comes from how the landscape forces me to put down my camera and take it in in person rather than through film. I make no complaints; cliffs are layered and drawn at jagged, rough angles. I always liked when nature didn’t try to hide its bold side.
These high rock formations among the grasslands look like an altar for the gods. It’s raining, but I am not much of someone to hide away in ruins waiting to be rescued. I venture out, as the locals do. Comfortable with the weather, satisfied with their habitat.
In the distance, I hear the yawns of red deer, the splashing of scurrying feet running back home. Even with the raindrops, I find myself freezing on a rock overlooking the edge of catapulting cliffs. Out on the ocean, the whales turn their bellies to the sky, letting the raindrops tickle their tummies. I am sure dolphins hide somewhere until they can prance through the air unscathed. And even in the cloudy chaos, the sea eagle tries to find its dinner. With the thought of food, my stomach grumbles.
I am empty, Enzo, empty from holding your hands and kissing you good morning. There is a lack in ways there has never been before. I force the stirring of sickness down because if it comes up, how will I know how to deal with its misfortune?
They mix and mingle, chatting with each other about how they came to be born. How long the clouds have been keeping it together until now. Holding off my tears as long as I can, I feel now it is necessary among nature’s own downpour.
My heart doesn’t hurt; it doesn’t exist anymore. The sudden withdrawal from our relationship has made me realize you took it with you. But I hesitate because I don’t know if I want it back, at least not that version.
You were my person, baby, and I was yours.
We were a mixture of together without having to bind our souls in marriage documents. I would have, though, charted a path to matrimony if that is what would have made you stay. But who am I kidding? Why would more commitment make you want to stay longer when four years side by side never did?
