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Training never stops, we run, and I keep my eyes forward on the person in front of me. I am not trying to be the best; it isn’t a competition to shine here. I want to blend in and move along.
“Madida.” My superior steps in to speak with me.
Because even if I want to blend in, my name is a reminder I can’t, I shouldn’t. I need to excel with my reputation alone.
My friends and I are standing in our bunk area. I stand, and the others do as well.
“Yes, sir.” I stand with my shoulders back, waiting for him to continue.
“Your focus seems distracted. Are there other conflicts that are more important than your duty here?” The second my superior says duty, I swear, I want to roll my eyes. But I don’t.
It’s Phoebe’s face that comes to mind. But I don’t say a word about her.
“No, sir. I am committed to the tasks and duty in front of me.” It’s a lie, a little one. I am committed, I have come this far not to be, but there is always a lingering I can’t always ignore.
“What is your end goal with the navy, Madida?” Shit, not this question. I have to think on my feet because he might convey my answer to my uncle or, even worse, my father.
“To be the greatest man I can be, learn, evolve, strengthen my courage and be a team member who holds the honor of being a sailor in the navy, sir.” But even the boost in my voice doesn’t make me believe it.
My superior commanding officer takes a step closer to my face. His eyes barely flicked over my face before making that tsk noise with his lips.
“Not good enough, Madida. What do you really want? Navy isn’t your career; I can see it. You don’t have what it takes.” My commander takes a step back, and I lose the rigid posture. I hate the others are around me, watching me get knocked down. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can see it. Your fellow sailors are here because it was a choice.”
“I made my choice, sir.” Again, the fight comes back in my voice, defending decisions I battle within myself.
“And you chose the right one for now. But what about after, Madida? Are you a sailor meant for the seas or a lost man looking for meaning?” His words are too firm, and they nearly knock me over. I want to lift my fist and hit it against his jaw. But I don’t want to spend my time holding, so I don’t do that.
“I will be anything I have to be, sir.” This time I look over his head, away from the conversation.
“I think the lavatory needs cleaning; you wouldn’t mind volunteering. Since you said you will be anything you must be, is that correct?” My commander lifts an eyebrow for me to argue.
I open my mouth to disagree with him but think better of it.
“No problem, sir.”
“Now that’s a good sailor.” He taps me on the shoulder and walks away.
I spend hours hosing off the bathrooms, the showers, the toilets until the scent of the ocean is covering it instead of human crimes. I am sweating and hating myself more, but I don’t complain, not out loud.
A lost man looking for meaning.Who is he kidding? Who are we all fooling at this point? I’ve always been a man looking for a purpose, but I’ve never felt lost until I signed my name at the Navy recruiter's office.
It’s the family business, tradition. I am not faulting my old man or brothers for picking this up for my cousins and brother. But I would have loved the option not to hate myself for not choosing their path. I head up top to get some fresh air; I watch the sun erase itself from the day. The clouds cover the stars and a moon; it seems typical for my mood.
“How was toilet duty?” Connors leans against the railing next to me. My friend is trying to lighten the mood, but I don’t have the right attitude for him. I don’t answer; I have nothing to say. “He was right, though, about being a sailor.”
“Shut up, man.” I shake my head and listen to the ship smack against the water.
“No, Enzo, I mean you aren’t a sailor. I don’t think many of us are. But you, you’re different. You chose this to do the right thing. But it wasn’t the right choice for you; it was the right choice for your family.” Connors has a gentleness about him I will never have.
“Doesn’t matter now, can’t do anything about it.” I let my head fall into my hands.
“Maybe not, but there might be a time when it does. This waiting period is building you up to be patient for what might come later.”
I lift my head to meet his eyes; I give him a crazy look because I don’t know what in the hell he is talking about.
“Don’t kill the messenger; I just thought I would say.”
“Everything happens for a reason, whether we know it.” Turned my attention back to the dark sky. “I know the speech; I get it, Connors.”
