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I have no control; she is lost in this powerful delusion. I can’t stop freeing her.
“After you got stationed in Hawaii, I went back to Washington to find my mom. I was trying to find out more information about my dad. Where he was born, about his family. Anything to connect me with people who shared my last name. But do you know what I found, Enzo?”
“What?” I didn’t know she was even curious about finding out more about him. Phoebe never wondered before about his family when we were together.
What was she hoping to find now?
“My mom opened the door, then this little boy came to stand in front of her, and then my dad stood behind them. I have two little brothers, Enzo. My parents are married, and they live in the house I grew up in with my racist grandfather. Isn’t that crazy?” Phoebe’s eyes are watering, her nose is snotty, but she won’t let me hold her. “Isn’t that wild, Enzo? I kept thinking, wow, what are the chances? That’s incredible. But then I realized something I have known for way too long. I learned the problem, Enzo.”
But I want to; I want to take those bad feelings away. I want to dance with her on the top of mountains and make love to her on all lands.
“Baby, why didn’t you tell me? I would have gone with you. You didn’t have to do it alone.” My palms are falling by my sides as she turns her nose at my words.
“It was me.” She nods her head, accepting this fact as truth. “I was the issue; without me, they got what they really wanted. A family, a loving home, each other. They finally got each other.”
“Fuck them, Phoebe! You’ve never needed them. None of them ever deserved you!” I am shouting because I have to get her to hear me and understand.
Phoebe smiles, so small I swear I barely see it. She doesn’t hear a word I say; there isn’t an argument I can win now. I just have to sit and listen.
“I stood in the middle of the road yesterday, and I guess I got lost in my head because a stranger had to physically pull me out of traffic. I don’t remember what stopped me. First, I was fine; I think I was grabbing water or a candy bar, and the smell hit me. Something was burning, and I turned, but I couldn’t find it. The scent reminded me of those people behind the front desk. I didn’t even panic this time. There was nothing I could do. My cousin once curled my hair and burnt it; the smell of human hair burning isn’t pleasant, and you can imagine the scent of burning flesh isn’t better.” Her voice is calm, not strangled by the memories; she has learned to coexist with them.
We all stand there, watching her remember to relive the scene.
“I was blinking; my body was there, but the honking horns, the shouting people. I didn’t hear them; tears streamed down my face and I wanted to be anyone else than who I was locked under my bones.” It’s the small laugh that breaks me, crumbles me, and I didn’t prepare for her soul to be broken. But her following words kill me on the spot. “I bet my life would be better if I wasn’t involved.”
“Phoebe.” I reach for her, but she puts a hand up.
“I need everyone to stop worrying about me. I am fine.” A fake smile grows on her face, watered with her tears.
“I don’t think you are, Phoebe. It’s called survivor’s guilt.” I try to reason with her, hoping I might crack her armor.
“It isn’t survivor’s guilt! Do you think I feel bad for living when others didn’t? Sure, maybe at first. But what gets me is I didn’t do anything.” I don’t know why she is so hard on herself; she can’t possibly think there is any way to change what happened. Phoebe survived and thank God for it. Because I would have died if she did.
“Phoebe, maybe you need to talk to someone. Maybe we can find a therapist.” Her assistant walks over to her. I’m surprised Phoebe hasn’t seen a counselor yet.
“I don’t need that, Rachelle. I don’t care anymore. I have no one to live for. If I had just moved and gotten up, I probably would have died, but I didn’t even try to save them, Elle. I didn’t move an inch. I should have done anything other than remain on that floor.” Phoebe slumps down to the dry brush. She starts crying, and no one can stop her. “Why did you bring him here, Elle? He was okay without me.” Pointing at me, but it’s a lie; she knows it’s a lie.
“Baby, please, look at me. I’m right here.” I kneel down in front of her. Rachelle cradled her into her arms.
But after a few minutes, she goes quiet, her expression changes, and her eyes widen. Phoebe takes a deep breath and stands up, wiping away her eyes.
“My name is Phoebe, and I take pictures.”
“No, that isn’t true, Pheebs; you are so much more than that.”
“No, Enzo. This is who I am; I can’t be anything else.” Phoebe leaves after that. She goes, telling Rachelle and the others she will finish the jobs herself. “You know when I thought I was going to die, I called you, I had to talk to you. In my last moments, it was always you. but even though you heard my fears, my voice trembling, I wouldn’t be the last call.”
I want to go with her, but Rachelle tells me not to; there isn’t anything I can do right now. When Phoebe gets like this, it is better to wait.
We stick around the campsite for a few more days; there is lingering pain. But I trust Rachelle. She has seen Phoebe through it so far, so I wait it out.
“She talked about you. I think after everything happened, she needed to cope somehow.” Rachelle sits next to me, and her toddler daughter sits on her lap as they roast a marshmallow. “When I would go and drop off her food, I could hear her mumbling on the other side of the door. Sometimes it wasn’t anything I could understand, but other times her voice was clearer. Did you know she has the sixty national parks memorized?”
“I do know that.” I smile at the memory of the first time I heard them.
“Phoebe’s crazy smart; how much random information she knows amazes me.” Rachelle turns the skewer, and her boyfriend comes over to smash the crackers on the roasted white puff. Her daughter hops off and goes to eat on the other side of the fire.
“I know, she always said she never did research about the places we visited, but I think Phoebe needed to know a lot more than she wanted me to believe.” I bring a beer to my lips and let the alcohol flow down as I swallow.
