AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“After a while, I would wait in the hallway to see if she might say something. It was like she was talking to you on the phone most of the time. But when I contacted you and said you hadn’t heard from her, the conversations made more sense. She would only reply to you out loud. Having these thoughts or dialogue in her head. Phoebe doesn’t know I heard; I think she might be embarrassed. She loves you, Kenzo. Right now, I know she is showing you she hates you. But even if you weren’t there physically, you helped her get through it.” Rachelle touches my hand for comfort.
“How bad did she get?” I have a question, and I know it will hurt more the longer I don’t know.
Rachelle’s eyes widen a bit, and then she looks over to her boyfriend and daughter.
“If you don’t want to betray her trust, I understand.”
“It’s not that; I don’t want you to feel guilty for being somewhere else.”
“Tell me.” Nodding at her words, but I need to know. I have to bear the weight.
“We didn’t even know she was alive until two days later. I called the hospitals, but everyone spoke Portuguese, and I couldn’t connect with the right person. Phoebe wouldn’t talk to me. But they told me she was okay, didn’t sustain injuries, was just in the hospital because she couldn’t calm down.”
I stare into the fire and then out across miles of desert. Maybe I can’t hear it, but I have to be strong enough.
“Phoebe flew home, got in a cab, and went back to her apartment. She locked the door and stayed behind it for a month and a half. The only way I knew she wasn’t dead was I could hear her breathing. Sometimes, she would tap on the door to let me know.”
“Fuck.”
“She wouldn’t let me see her, but I knew she wasn’t eating every day. Last week, I threatened to get the fire department if she didn’t open the door. She didn’t open it, but she sounded better like she was standing. Phoebe said she wasn’t ready. But I knew she would come out soon.”
“I can’t believe I wasn’t there. I should have been there.”
“Yes, but you can’t change the past now.”
“I just can’t even imagine what she went through; I feel completely helpless.”
“Phoebe destroyed her phone and laptop, anything from that trip, except her camera. She said she left it in the hotel room but wanted a new strap. It’s strange, though, because she told me about that camera, she got in Florida with you. I don’t think she had the heart to throw it away.” Rachelle gets up and goes to her family.
My memory takes me to the Shenandoah National Park in Virginia. I sit there, lean back and look up at the sky. I watch the stars, and I wonder how we got here. I can see the sunrise in Phoebe’s eyes. The reflection of mountain peaks shining through. Each mile, we walk a step in the right direction.
My steps follow behind her; Phoebe looks over her shoulder, singing about the vagina.What rhymes with vaginas,she asks? We have been hiking for hours, miles off the radar. But I don’t think we are looking to be kept on track.
I wonder if I will ever see that version of Phoebe again.
“I don’t know how to love anybody else how I love you. It haunts me; it ruins me. It disappoints me because I know it won’t measure up to you.” I whisper it to the galaxy above.
Chapter 22
Phoebe
43.8554° N, 102.3397° W Badlands National Park
Iamatthetop of the mountain. Alone, unbothered by human contact. And it feels liberating. There is the rush of the wind and a whip of a cloud, not a sound echoing someone else screams but my own. I yell until my lungs hurt, starve for another breath. But I drain them dry.
I stare out across the beautiful landscape and get frustrated about how gorgeous it is and how I feel nothing. I heard one of the other women died the other day. I saw her picture and remembered she was the one crying next to me. It said she passed away, and I always wondered what that meant. Away they went, as if choosing to end your life was that simple.
I smack myself in the head, scream, and fall to my knees, crying. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I be happy? I get so angry at myself knowing someone out there is desperate to experience this view. To be given my position, my freedom. But I can’t seem to talk myself out of pity. It has wrangled me down to the ground, put an elbow to my throat, and asked me to give it a giggle like a good girl. I can’t even breathe, though; I fight against the flesh, needing to escape my own skin. My mind tells me I should be fine, but every step is aching to be forgiven for the sins of living.
The dirt is a fresh brown and the sky a new blue. I lay on my side, letting my tears make mud next to my cheek.
The sun is slow to dip behind the hills. It peeks at me quietly, worrying I might end my life on the rocks after the world goes dark. Taking a snuggling slumber against the stars.
I pinch my eyes closed, trying to quiet my heart so I can hear the wilderness come to life. The life of the wild turns into its true nature.
Sucking in a breath to cover another sob, I hold myself to my side, clenching into a ball. I don’t roll onto my back to glimpse the birth of galaxies. Waiting for the next day to begin, I can give myself another chance, another choice.
I can hear the wolves from here, the breaking of branches. The wind passes over my body without a struggle. It is just another commodity on its path.
