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But I stay silent; there is nothing to be said.
“Do you remember when we were in Vietnam? We were at the top of Mua Mountain, there were a few newlyweds. But your back was turned because when everyone was taking pictures of the view, you took pictures of the mountains. Sometimes, on my trips, I find myself doing the same. Trying to find what everyone else is missing in the scene.”
I listen to his words, the way he shares intimate details with me because he thinks it might help me.
“I should have picked up the phone, Phoebe. I should have. I think about it all the time, how one call could have changed so many things.” In my head, he is shaking his head, trying to find the words or a time machine to take him back. “Do you ever wish you could go back in time and switch things around?”
“No,” I say softly; he can’t hear me as I speak it.
I don’t want to change things. I needed to know who Enzo was in crisis and who I was after the tragedy. This is where we were meant to be.
“I know we planned to go to Tokyo together. I actually was stationed there for a few months. It’s everything, Phoebe. Just like Mama told us. The city, everything reminded me of you.” Enzo chuckles a little. “I was in a mood. All my buddies were talking about the streets. They kept coming up with stupid facts about a place they never even knew.”
I try to imagine it like he says.
“I kept thinking if you were there; you would know. You would find out and make friends with the locals, search out until you know everything there is to learn about the temples and buildings. You would find the history in questions I wouldn’t even think to ask.” Enzo remembers a past version of me.
I hear Enzo’s words and cough to cover the sense of state.
“Phoebe, are you there? Can I tell you a secret? You get this look on your face when you arrive at where you’ve never been before. It’s like you are stepping into your purpose, and you accepted the duty to find the hidden facts. I have the same look when I stare at you. We could be in huts sleeping on the dirt floor getting big bites, but it’s okay because you’re with me, and I fucking love you. And nothing will change that.” Enzo smacks his hand to the wall; it doesn’t scare me.
But I give him what I can right now.
“Olympic, Petrified, Pinnacles, Redwoods, Rocky Mountain, Saguaro.” It’s a small token of what I have to offer. I drift off to sleep as he continues on with the park names.
“You’re real?” I wake to the door opening. Sun runs in before I have a chance to close it.
“Wish I wasn’t?” Enzo puts down something that smells like warmth and life.
“You can leave now. I don’t need you.” Pulling the blankets over my head.
“How true we both wish that was.” Enzo undoes his coat and sets up a little breakfast on the tiny table.
I sit down because I forgot about the last time I ate. The food tries to refuse my body's nourishment. It tells it we don’t want it or want to survive.
“Are you ever going to forgive me?” His teeth tear a piece of bagel, and I get a good look at him. I don’t know how long it has been since Vietnam, but he’s grown more attractive.
“You want to be forgiven; you can have it. But I don’t forget anything, Enzo.” Spooning some yogurt into my mouth.
“I thought we could be many things if we could just be together, with each other. If we just remained in love. Tangled in the torment of touches.” Enzo’s words are lovely, pretty even. As they fill the room with no noise but poetry. “You are the most beautiful, achingly painful woman I have ever seen.”
He reaches for me, but I retreat.
“I am going to shower.” I stand up and take off my shirt; Enzo sees a long-stem branch with twenty leaves curving around my boob.
Then he sees what I forgot I had inked on me.
“What are those numbers you have tattooed?” Enzo wraps his fingers around my wrist.
“Please don’t touch my body like you love it.” I pull away from his grip and cradle myself.
“Pheebs, are they coordinates to somewhere?” Enzo wants to be a part of this Phoebe in front of him, but I am protecting him from who she is. I don’t want us to fall into a dark hole and can’t be found.
“It’s Cyprus, Enzo.” I find him before going into the bathroom. “It doesn’t mean anything anymore, though.”
I let the shower steam hot before I step into it. Enzo slams the door as I flinch to the sound, but I expect it. I peek out the window and see his car is gone too.
It’s better this way.
