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“Well, while the girls are at school, you have me until two o’clock. Let’s go downtown and walk around some shops. Maybe get lunch and walk into a few bridal shops, make people uncomfortable when we tell them we are cousins and are getting married.” Yes, I like to fuck with people, but my cousin takes it to a different level. I learned every trick and sarcastic comment from her.
“Can we go home first? I lost my underwear.” I stare out the window not wanting her to make a big deal about it.
“Dirty, dirty girl!” But I can hear the excitement in her voice.
“Oh my goodness, you sound like my mom after I kissed a boy for the first time.” Oh shit, it slipped out and I can’t take it back now.
“Aly.” Bambi wants to comfort me, but I don’t want her to.
“Forget it, let’s have a girl’s day!” I am so eager with the sentence I almost believe it myself.
She drops it because we don’t know how to handle a type of healing our mothers never taught us. By the time I change and am back in the car, Julian is begging me to convince Bambi to buy a dress today.
“I don’t see a ring on her finger, buddy.”
“She won’t accept my proposal, but she wants all the fun of planning a wedding without getting married.” Julian is funny when he is frustrated. “Fine, then take my credit card and buy whatever you want, if you promise to at least go and look at dresses.”
I accept the terms and grab his card.
“It will be better if you don’t look at the bill and just start making payments now, Julie.” I wave him goodbye as Bambi guns it down the road.
Twenty minutes later, we arrive to our favorite little shops. I offer to go get us some coffees and she waits by the car. When I get back, a good-looking guy is flirting with Bambi. Super sucks for you dude, another guy is trying to lock that situation down for life.
But I suppose I should save her.
Activate fake lesbian lover mode.
“Don’t touch her, motherfucker. Get your hand off her, you white trash, sleeping in your garage on a blow-up mattress like a trailer park hick. What the fuck you are thinking touching gold when your breath is filled with magots, moron. I will fuck you up, buddy; no one touches my wife but me.” The man is rightfully scared. I pulled out all the stops to get my point across.
It works wonders.
“Thank you, Aly.” But she is having a hard time saying it through her fit of laughter.
“You’re welcome.” Stone cold serious, sipping on my yummy mud-looking hot water.
“Let’s get this over with.” Bambi regains her composure and chugs her coffee as we head to the bridal shop.
“Hey, guess what I realized?” Pulling open the door for her, like a good wife would.
“What?” She throws her coffee cup away in the trash and I try my best to chug it, but she is better at swallowing then me.
Ha-ha, how rude of me. Where are my manners?
I toss it when it still has a quarter left.
“You’re named after a Disney character, and so is Lad. Isn’t that adorable? Awe, you guys can totally be friends!” I squirt the sanitizer on my hands and grab Bam’s to give her the excess.
“You like him.” My cousin could not have picked more cruel words to say to me. Before I can make a better insult, the sales lady comes over offering her assistance.
“What style are you looking for?” Peppy, I am sure Bambi loves this, optimistic even. But I doubt Bambi’s version of a dream wedding is the same as this sales associate’s idea of Lizzie McGuire’s what dreams are made of.
I better break the ice gently so we can set the mood.
“Oh, for me, I was hoping to go naked. Hanging by eight hooks, four on each side in my back. Hovering above a lake, I believe we decided. Make it a real Ripley’s Believe It or Not type of event. Um, I would prefer white, but if they only come in silver hooks, then we will make it work.” I assure the lady whichever hooks she has I am very flexible on the color. “What are you wanting, darling?”
To honor this woman, she doesn’t break character, merely looks to my cousin for some type of relief.
“I’m sorry about her, she was raised on after school specials; her personality suffered greatly.” Bambi’s kind smile lets us wander alone.
