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It’s two a.m. and the party is quiet, and a few stragglers are trying to keep their eyes open as they find a place on the floor to crash.
I am sitting with my feet in the pool. Staring at the water, considering how long I can hold onto my secrets.
“Hey.” Aly’s voice calls to me and I whip my head to find her. I’ve sobered up a bit, but without the drum of alcohol keeping me fun and drunk, I am faced with consequences I don’t want to face.
“Hey, baby. I was about to head in, did you finish the paper?” I am nowhere near going inside to sleep next to her. My head is clouded, and I can’t find the sunlight.
“You know I did.” Her being cheeky makes her more loveable.
“Of course you did. You’re smart and responsible.” I hold her hand as she takes a seat next to me.
“Sounding a little bitter about that statement.” Her words are cautious, and I guess we are back on unsolid ground, since the garage incident.
“Sorry, just a bit tired.” Leaning my head against hers as the pool lights illuminate our faces.
“Let’s go to bed.” Aly stands first, pulling me up with her.
“Can I ask you something?” Still amazed at her wanting to be so close to me.
“Mhmmm,” she says, putting my arm around her shoulders as we walk inside.
“Why are you with me?” I hear every insecure and vulnerable tone in my voice.
Alyeska lifts her head to stare at the side of my face.
“What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I be with you?” The question confuses her, but it isn’t confusing me. I need an answer so I can continue justifying the weak points in my past.
“No, Alyeska. Why are you even with me? I’m a pill popper. I’m a liar. I haven’t given a shit about anyone else because of the goodness in my heart. I did it because I wanted to know what I could get out from it. I used those opportunities. I’m not the good guy. I’m the worst fucking guy. A man who pretends to be good when they are corrupt.” Stepping away from her as I lean against the banister before we head downstairs.
“You good, man?” Rush lifts his head from the couch and I give him a nod as I follow Aly down to the bedroom.
“I don’t think that’s true.” But she is quiet as she admits it.
“Well you must not know me that well then, do you?” I grab the books on my nightstand and chuck them at the wall.
“Are you feeling sorry about yourself for some reason? Or what you did back in the garage? Because if you feel bad, you don’t have to throw a fit; you can be a decent human being and apologize.” Aly raises her voice to match mine; good, we are right where we need to be.
“Dude, what’s going on?” Rush is there, concerned, as he hasn’t ever seen me lose my cool.
“Nothing, I’m going to bed.” I fall on my bed and Aly doesn’t say goodnight as she leaves and slams her door closed.
“Lad, things good between you two?” Rush lays down next to me.
The room is so dark, I don’t ever want it to be light again.
“Yes, we’re perfect. I think I am picking fights because I feel like I am going to fuck it up.” I push my palms to my eyes until I see those sparks of colors, making me dizzy.
“Hey, you put too much pressure on yourself. Remember what Coach always says, you can’t base all your worth on one minute.” I know Rush is doing his best to help me, but I don’t think I can be helped out of this situation.
“Thanks, man. I’ve been an asshole to her and she’s been great throwing me a birthday party with all the guys. I just wish I didn’t feel like I was fighting to keep her, even though I am the one pushing her to leave.” The sentence doesn’t make much sense to me.
“There is always time to make things right. Maybe you two sleep this off and in the morning, you can have make-up sex.” Rush slaps my leg so hard I curl into the fetal position.
“Asshole,” I grunt out.
“See you in a few hours for practice.” Rush heads back upstairs to find the couch and rest before practice in the morning.
It is never a good idea to party the night before a practice. Coach seems to always know and makes us do laps until we throw our guts up.
