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“We have been understanding of your past problems with alcohol.” Julian is trying to stay rational. “Given the tragic incident with your mom passing.”
“Oh, shut up, Julie!” I wish he was not included in this conversation. “Don’t bring up my mother’s death like you know anything about suffering or loss; you’ve always been a spineless coward.”
“Don’t talk to him like that!” Bambi is a force, but I am a hurricane.
I am shocked she is standing by his side and not mine. My mind was not mentally prepared for this fight. Of losing everyone in a span of a few hours. My eyes are wide, wild with betrayal on all fronts.
“They aren’t fucking mine, Bam.” I am begging at this point. I swallow the fear, the unknown, the damage of debris in the clouds.
“Just go.”
“Fine, but I hope your love story ends the same way asTitanicdid; sunk. But I pray there isn’t a door you can save yourself on. I wonder what it will be like to freeze to death and know what true loneliness is. Don’t call me when he wants a divorce because he knocked up his blonde secretary.” I grab my backpack and the garbage bag and I start to head back to the bus stop.
“Don’t you think I understand how lonely it is? I’m the first one, Alyeska. I had to deal with the first hits of discrimination before you had your first period. I understand how lonely it can be, but I don’t let every tragedy define me or make it my personality, like you do.” Bambi’s words are hard hits against my back, I listen to each and every syllable.
My cousin is angry for hurting me; she is betraying herself by betraying me. I know she doesn’t mean those words, but somehow, I believe them, because she doesn’t have to hold them back anymore. She is free from any obligations to me. Bambi doesn’t have to protect or look after her little lost cousin.
I shift barely, letting the words sink in, then I stride forward, leaving the safety net I thought I could fall back on behind. Now the whole earth seems unstable as it rumbles underneath my feet, ready to finally take me down for good.
The voice whispers as it had done before.Just goand vanish.Just go,I said to myself looking far down the road that connected to a highway where I was promised never to be seen again.Just go.You never know.
But I thought of him. If he would miss me? I hoped he would. I didn’t know it, but I could feel the warmth spread the love grow. It was love like the movies and I worried if that made it unreal.
I keep thinking maybe I shouldn’t be here. Like I should be somewhere else. As if I don’t deserve much of anything and should accept the small handouts just like everyone else.
The field where we made wishes is bulldozed and dead. There isn’t one spec of whisp left to give me hope. I fall down to my knees and scream at the heavens, nails clawing at my hair.
The worst feeling is the unknown. Lad is calling my phone, but soon it will be dead and there isn’t a reason to answer anyway. He said all there is to say, without even uttering a word.
After a few minutes glaring at the sun in the sky, I pick myself up the best I know how and head into town. I throw the bag of my clothes and bedding into the trash. There is no place to hold them, and I don’t want to drag them around.
A woman bumps into me as I stare at the sidewalk, head down, not a care to what happens to me now. When I lift my head to apologize, she smiles and catches me.
“I thought I might see you one day.” I blink trying to remember who she is, but the jingle of her bracelet refreshes my memory.
“Hi, it’s nice to see you again.” The smile is minimal, but the best I can do. The older woman who owns the freaky antique shop rubs my arms and I guess I look as bad as I feel.
“Would you like hot chocolate?” Her gray hair is down below her belt.
“It’s eighty degrees outside.” But anything to feel warmth might be a good thing.
“Come on, we can pretend we live in the north pole and are fishing in an igloo.” She pats my hand and I follow her, simply because I have nowhere else to go and no one else who wants me.
Chapter 20
Aladden
“Hey,Alyeska!”Oh,thankGod she is here today. I have been freaking out trying to find her, contact her. But no such luck and Bambi refused to help me. She didn’t want anything to do with me after I told her the truth.
“What’s up?” She is reading a piece of paper, but she doesn’t look up.
“Listen I know I messed up, like royally, completely. Fucked up, I panicked when my dad found them. I only bought a few. My dad would have lost his shit; don’t worry, I’ve been talking to him, everything will be okay.” I reach out and touch her, but she wipes off my hand.
When those brown eye blink and she tilts her head to me, I see how empty they are.
“Shit, babe, I’ve been trying to find you all night. I feel terrible. Fuck, are you okay?” I can’t believe myself. I grit my teeth, ready to punch myself in the gut.
“Hey, I’ve got to get to class. I can’t be late. I’ve fallen behind and don’t want to flunk.” Her words don’t matter, nothing else matters.
