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“Please don’t leave. I’m begging you. I’ll get on my knees, wait!” But there are no words or actions.
“I can’t. I’ve run out of free time.” Alyeska tightens her hold on herself, wanting to pick away the bad parts.
“Please stop, I can fix this!” Fuck, I will try until I die if I have to.
“What? What are you going to do? Call your agent and get another book deal? This time how you helped a troubled homeless woman? Are you going to call your dad and have him get one of your sponsors to donate money to a good cause? Do I look like the poster impression that would sell anything that has to do with your world? What if you told your coach about the pills, Aladden? What if you stopped pretending you weren’t a fraud?” Her jaw tightens and mine is practically breaking.
“That isn’t fair.” Ignoring the look I get from Rush about the pill comment.
“Life isn’t fucking fair. But a person like me gets used to it. Just like you get used to things going your way. When you don’t get in your own way.” Her emotions are erupting.
“I never meant to hurt you.”Or us,my voice is calm and pleading.
“It was going to happen eventually. Nobody believes in happy endings. Not in elementary, not in high school, probably not in college. I mean, you’re the first boyfriend I ever dated. I don’t believe in dreams coming true, not when the prophetic son is awaiting glory on his manmade throne. Not when the girl he saved is stuck in the shadows where she belongs.”
“I love you.” Make those words make this right.
“I love you!” Aly’s words are fierce as she demands me to hear them. “I’ve always loved you. Because despite all the betrayal and lies, I know it isn’t your fault, it’s mine. And maybe pity looks better on me than you. But I loved you way more than I ever knew I could. And I never want to love anyone else the way I allowed you to destroy me. How pathetic did it make me look?” Her face is in torment, and my air is choking for fresh starts.
“Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that, please.” There is evidence in my eyes, and I don’t want to release the pain yet. It is mine to be punished with.
“Okay, Lad, I think we’ve said enough.” Alyeska wipes her face and hands, but I can’t be done. She starts to walk away, and I follow her. Rush tries to stop me but it is impossible to let the woman I love more than swimming leave my life.
“It was me.” I shake my head spit on the ground as I continue. This is going to hurt worse, but I need to lay everything out on the ground between us. I need her to know. “You didn’t hit me with your car on graduation night. I ran the stop sign, I was high, I hit yours and stopped to see if you were okay and the air bag was crushed against your mom. But I am pretty sure I killed her.” It’s a long story I drag out, hoping she might hear the truth in it.
Rush steps away from me, acting like he doesn’t recognize his best friend. I don’t know myself either in this moment. Aly is silent, standing still a few feet away, before she turns around.
“I’ll go to the police; I’ll tell them it was me.” I jab fingers at my chest, needing her to accept me.
“You didn’t kill her, Lad. Because she was already dead.” Aly’s voice drops, disappointed; now it is filled with sympathy.
“No, the accident, it was my fault. The way I hit your car, it looked like it was your fault. The cops assumed, and when they tested your blood for alcohol, they didn’t question another angle. I didn’t tell them otherwise. I’m a coward.” I fall to my knees, gravity taking me down to the level I feel.
“Lad, stop it. It doesn’t matter. You didn’t kill her. She had a heart attack from the pills she took. I put her in the car; I thought I could save her. But part of me already knew she was gone. She was cold when I carried her to the passenger seat. I couldn’t lose another person. But I had lost her a long time ago. It isn’t your fault.” Aly shakes her head at me then stares up at the sky.
“I’m sorry, I thought I had killed her.” But for some reason, it doesn’t make me feel better. It makes me feel worse.
“Listen if you’ve been doing this because you feel guilty, clear your conscience. Don’t go to the police. What good will it do? It’s almost been two years. I already dealt with the punishment so why punish yourself just to feel better, like you did something good to make up for lying for so long?” Aly is rocking back from foot to foot.
“It wasn’t always guilt.” Shame is coming in waves, my eyes are blurry, but I still see the glow around her.
“Just the part where you fell in love with me out of pity?” Aly hesitates as she puckers her lips. “I may have forgotten the accident, but I remember you holding my hand. I know those numbers tattooed on your neck aren’t because you love me, they are there because you didn’t want to forget what you did that night.”
I twist my lips, not wanting to hear her truths after revealing mine. They burn too badly, and I am already on fire.
“By the way, we slept together for the first time on graduation night; you took my virginity. You were gone before I could even regret us. I think being forgotten, Lad, is a whole lot better than being loved by you.”
“It was real.” I bend my head down to the grass.
“Maybe to you, but to me, I didn’t know the difference.” Aly doesn’t look back as she walks away. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame anyone, except myself.
