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I pinch my eyebrows at the confession.
“Not with alcohol, of course, but with other things.” Alaska’s fingers are fiddling and I reach over to stop them. But the few seconds I leave my hand on her skin, I remember that night and I can’t afford to live in the past anymore.
“What do you mean?” I refocus the direction of the conversation. It looks like the sun is about to set; my room is already dark with an orange glow.
“My mom was a beautiful woman with self-esteem issues so significant they took her life. I guess she was trying to solve generational problems no one else in our family could fix. Except a few cousins and an uncle and aunt or two.” Not all of us are dirtbags, although my mom had many friends.
“Where is your dad?” Because let’s get that out of the way.
“He is busy.” Defensive, I didn’t expect anything else.
“Doing what?”
“Living a life without his daughter.” Smoothing out the crease in the blanket.
“Why?”
“Because I chose her, Lad. I chose her, because I kept hoping she could stay clear long enough to take care of us. It’s the worst feeling to be so wrong about believing there is good in people.” Alaska leans her head on my shoulder, and I don’t move. This is the most we have talked about without metaphorically destroying each other with sarcastic comments. Maybe for a minute, we each can take a breath. “I chose her over him, and he left, didn’t look back. He has a new family in California, with a wife that probably does his laundry. We haven’t spoken since I was ten, Lad. Do you think I’m the problem?” I have to blink a few times, because her eyes are so honest and vulnerable I don’t want to hurt her in any way.
“Of course not, Alaska. You were a kid, he was your dad.” I wrap an arm around her and bring her close for a side hug; it surprises me because she lets me. “What’s got you thinking about all these thoughts and reminiscing in old times?”
“After I dropped you off, as I was leaving, your dad came home.”
I freeze, drop my arm, and run a hand through my hair.
“You didn’t tell him about this afternoon, did you?” She might think I mean the blowjob, but she glares at me and I know she understands I mean the hallway incident.
“No, why would I?”
“What did you say to him then?” I get on my knees before her, no longer concerned about rest.
“I didn’t say much; it was what he said to me that triggered it.” Alaska stares at me for a few beats, then swings her legs off the bed and grabs her bag off the floor. “He saw me, and looked relieved. Dude has a heart of gold, by the way. I bet you take advantage of that once in a while. Anyway, Rafe, because we are on a first-name basis now, said he was so happy I had recovered and that I got my drinking problem under control.”
“He wasn’t trying to offend you.” I wasn’t the only one keeping tabs on her after the accident. A year is a long time, but then watching her, seeing her every day, nothing has changed, and we are both stuck playing pretend. While still fighting demons from our past.
“I didn’t think he was. I nodded and thanked him. Then he kept going on about how it was a blessing of bad luck that brought us together and I got stuck on the word bad luck.” But Alaska doesn’t expand and the kind vulnerability between us has ended.
“Where are you going?”
“Home, well, kind of. It’s a two-hour bus ride. I can’t miss the last one or I will have to walk, and well, why do you care? I got you home safe, and tucked you in. Congratulations on your nap.” Alaska doesn’t wait for a reply, she points to my pants and snorts.
I look down at the boner in my shorts;great timing penis.
“See you later, overachiever.” Alaska sings it and I don’t dare make a comeback. There isn’t one that could knock her down to the level I feel.
The next day at practice is brutal and I can feel the stubborn energy in my bones not giving me relief from yesterday’s fury.
“Dude, are you skipping out of classes already? And without your bro? Come on, man, where is the love?” My best friend since we were five years old, partner in crime, locked up doing time if it ever came to it, Rush Tucker.
I am glad to see him; he is the happy face that always sees light out of any darkness. After the accident and I didn’t feel like getting in the pool, he was there to sunbathe next to me all summer until I was ready.
Dad’s voice from this morning hits me hard and I grab my goggles from my gym bag.
“Have you been doing your visualizations? Remember you have to do them every morning before practice.” Dad isn’t trying to pester me, he is supporting me, even when I feel exhausted by the constant line of positivity I have been snorting.
It’s been turning toxic in my head for far too long now.
“Nah, just had to crash early, trying to play catch up with my sleep.” He doesn’t argue with my statement as he changes.
