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“Okay.”
“Your dad told me I needed to allow myself to grieve that things are different between us now, and while I don’t want to grieve or wallow, I think I can at least accept the change. I think I’m finally approaching being okay with everything. I told you to never worry about me, and this time you really don’t have to. You’ll always be someone important, but—”
“There’s someone more important,” she says with a smile.
“Yes. When I first saw Laurel, I was intrigued and excited. The infamous shut-in Laurel Halifax. I’m lucky to have caught her in the wild. She thought I was useless. Then…”
I help Juliette breathe through another contraction.
“Then?” she prompts once it’s winding down.
“Then it’s the eclipse, Juliette. One day I’m a carefree moth, and blink, poof, lights in my eyes. Distracted, dazzled, hypnotized. Laurel did all the things I didn’t want her to. She messed around with my music and mocked my love of all things guitar, and yet… I missed you, but I don’t even know what I feel without Laurel. Numb and hollow maybe.”
“It’s okay that everything is changing.” Juliette keeps smiling, somehow. “But you’re not okay, and that’s the thing that does need to change the most. You need Laurel. Get her back. I know you’re not waiting for her to take the first step, but what if she’s waiting for you? It’s the worst feeling ever, Jace. Sitting there, wondering if things could be different. If there’s hope. You know that.”
“What if we’re both wrong, and Laurel doesn’t need me?”
Juliette smiles wider, surprising me with her sudden cheer. “Remember, you’re a fighter. You can flatten burly men against the floor. You can definitely handle one tiny rejection.”
“Wow.” I tap her forehead with the side of my palm. “You were just waiting for a perfect opportunity to throw those words back at me, weren’t you?”
She laughs. I laugh along, but Juliette is right. I’ve given my insecurities too much power as of late. I need to stop moping and worrying about all the what-ifs. Holes in hearts don’t fill themselves.
New plan.
Step 1: get Laurel back, and no dragging of feet of any kind.
No more steps after that.
Shane returns to us. Together, we spend the next three hours feeding her ice chips, holding her hands, and pretending that we’re totally cool about this whole thing. No one’s about to faint. Shane and I drink a gallon of caffeine, but we’re okay. A little jittery maybe. Starting on a second gallon.
During that time, Graham delivers Juliette’s hospital bag. He’s followed closely by Charlie. The Label’s social media magician brings a camera and takes a few pictures, but mostly she’s quiet and stays in the background. The rest of the Vipers and a few other friends trickle in, bringing congratulations and small gifts. We’re all young—the Vipers and ACD. None of us have kids. Most of us don’t even have younger siblings. Childbirth is unfamiliar territory, but anticipation and love fill the room more and more with every new guest.
Most people only stay for a few minutes before Dr. Amhurst’s assistant shoos them out, even Graham, to a waiting room somewhere down the hall. Later she invites me and Shane to go grab a bite of pizza she ordered for everyone who stays to wait, but we decline, unwilling to leave Juliette’s side. Charlie stays as well. She’s here to document the event, but she does her best to stay invisible.
Ten thirty hits the clock, and the painful waiting turns hectic. Phrases like “ready to push” and “this is the last stretch” bounce around. Charlie reappears to film the rest of the proceedings. Shane flits all over the place. He wants to keep holding Juliette’s hand, but he also wants to see the baby arrive. I keep my eyes firmly on Juliette’s face and resign to never using my right hand again. Juliette’s been crushing it for so long it’s gone numb.
Dr. Amhurst’s instructions to breathe and to push mix with Juliette’s exhausted panting and screams. Shane makes a strange noise, and when I look at him, he’s got both hands pressed to his mouth, eyes bright with moisture.
Then the world stills. There is a cry. A displeased sort of complaint that instantly changes my life as I know it. Juliette exhales and slumps against the pillows, strands of hair plastered over her forehead.
“It is a girl,” the smiling doctor confirms.
Juliette releases my hand, and I exhale with a shudder. Why am I so wrung out? I’m not the one who’s just pushed out a baby. And how grateful I am for the fact that I’ll never be able to.
Shane cuts the cord, much to Charlie’s excitement. I’m betting this moment will make it onto social media. I get up and join Shane pacing by the windows as he watches a nurse weigh and clean up the baby. His eyes are a red swamp.
“Congratulations,” I offer.
“Thank you.” He chokes on the words, and I’m compelled to pat him on the shoulder. Everyone was worried over Juliette, but no one seemed to remember that this is a new adventure for Shane as well.
“You’ll do great,” I tell him. “And when you don’t, I’ll be there to rub it in your face.”
Wiping under his eyes, he grins. “Thanks a lot.” He means it though.
“Here’s your little princess.” The nurse who cleaned the baby hands him a bundle wrapped in a white blanket with bright pink roses.
Shane turns to give the baby to Juliette, but I hold him by the elbow, unable to stop staring at the tiny face scrunched up in the tiniest pout, short, white fluff crowning the tiny head. The pout is all Juliette, and who plucked my heart out of my chest? It’s gone. The weight that I’ve carried inside it for so long has vanished, erased by the cutest, saddest little face in the whole universe.
