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Warmth and butterflies take over the aching tightness in my ribcage. Then pure, white-hot rage.
“You love me and you left anyway?” I shove away from him. “You’re such a blockhead!”
“Yes, I am, but you didn’t hold on to me!”
I laugh because this is so us—ripping each other apart. Jace won’t take anything lying down, not even from me. That’s one of the things I love about him.
The laughter dies abruptly as the full meaning of his outburst sinks in. “Are you trying to say you broke up with me, but you wanted me to…” No way. He didn’t. “Youwantedme to stop you?”
“I did ask you to tell me to stay. Either way, like you said, I am an idiot.”
My whole body trembles. The winter chill is to blame, of course, but so is my crumbling emotional state. I couldhave stopped him. I didn’t even try. “You wouldn’t have stayed.” I can’t see it. I can’t believe if I’d asked him to stay he would.
“I would,” he declares with unbending conviction.
“But…” I reflect on our words that day. The memories are sharp and cutting. I remember every word. He thought I’d fall apart at the news and tried to make sure I’d be okay, but this current conversation paints some of his statements in different hues.
So you’re okay with this?
How can you be okay?
Are you seriously going to be fine with me walking away from us?
Could it be that he wasn’t worried about my broken heart but about my feelings for him? That he wanted to know whether or not I’d fight for him? I wanted him to fight for me. It turns out he wanted me to bleed for him a little too.
Jace seems to catch my train of thoughts. “I’m so used to girls being disappointed in who I am and leaving me first, with none of them ever turning around and thinking,Hey, maybe I made a mistake, that I—”
“Believed me when I pretended that I was all right with you breaking things off?”
“I knew you didn’t really want someone like me. You wanted simple and normal and peaceful. Again, not me. But… You did pretend?”
“Would you truly have changed your mind if I asked you to stay?”
Jace closes the distance between us and envelopes me with his strong arms again. “Did you really pretend you were okay?”
“What do you think?” I smack a fist against his chest and throw my arms around his neck, bawling. “How could I ever be okay, Jace? I told you I loved you! You think I lied?” I draw a surprised breath when he brushes my cheek with the most tender kiss. “You think my love for you is that shallow?” I go on, refusing to be derailed. “You think I’d do absolutely anything to stop thinking about you because…what?” He kisses my forehead and exhales with relief. “No. Hey. Stop. I’m still mad at you. I didn’t fight for you. Fine. But you didn’t fight for me either.” Tears gush in a flood. I’m a waterfall. All defenses obliterated by his closeness and warmth, I lean into him. “You drive me crazy. You boil my blood. You make me lose my head—”
His lips brush over my ear. “How about I make you mine?”
“You are so sure I’m still in love with you.”
Jace straightens up with such force, his cap catches on the side of my head and falls to the ground. His eyes are wide. Scared. “Are you already with someone else?” He swallows.
I love how much it frightens him that he might’ve lost me for good. I love the obvious panic. It can serve as his atonement, and I take what feels like my first full breath since that awful day in the pagoda. “There was this guy—”
Jace frowns. “Was? But not anymore?”
I wait to answer. The air below buzzes with anticipation as the attendees fill the auditorium. In a few minutes, Jace and I will have to part until the event is over. I’ll see him on stage. He’ll watch me stumble through my chords because all I’ll be able to think about is him—
“Why are you torturing me?” He wipes away the remnants of my tears with his fingers.
“Why not?”
“All right. That’s fair. Go ahead if it helps you feel better.”
“It does. Thank you.” I close my eyes and float in the lightheaded bliss Jace’s next kiss on my forehead brings me. “I had a boyfriend. He ditched me for a bunch of stupid reasons. Would you be my rebound?”
Jace bursts out laughing. “Oh, Laurel.” He crushes me in his embrace. “Forgive me. Please, forgive me. I don’t have the foggiest idea why you’d ever fall in love with me, but I beg you, please don’t stop loving me if you still do. I’ll quit being an idiot, I’ve already thrown away my pride, and I will do anything it takes to be the guy you need because I know I’m everything but. I’ll even try to quit obsessing over guitars.”
