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Link kicks my foot. “Stop making that face. I’m not dying.”
“You’re not dyingyet,” Tristan adds with an uneasy smile.
“Would you just quit it!” Jelly throws an arm around Tristan’s neck and gives him a rough noogie. “This isn’t a joking matter!”
Link untangles our drummer from the bassist. “Let’s go get lunch and talk trash about the Vipers.”
“Sounds good.” Jelly whips out her car keys from her pocket, hooks her arm through Tristan’s, and drags him to her black F-150.
“Sorry about earlier,” Link says to me. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m a mess lately. I’ve spent more time in sleep studies and giving blood in the recent weeks than with you guys, and it’s not helping me feel confident about anything.”
We don’t typically hug, but we do that thing where I put a hand on his shoulder, and he puts a hand on mine.
“Take care of yourself first,” I say. “We need you.”
“I’m trying to.” He slaps my shoulder once before dropping his hand.
“You should’ve told us sooner.”
“I didn’t know what to tell you.” The haunted shadows return to his face. “They have no answers for me. And I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m sorry for all the things I said to you, okay? However…”
“Go ahead. I can take it.” I think. I’m not sure. Everything that made my life complete is crumbling away despite my best efforts. Panic claws at me. I’m not unfamiliar with the feeling, which makes it all the more terrifying.
“Are you guys coming?” Jelly hollers from her truck.
Link does a wave and a nod that implygive us a second, then he says, “Please take this as something I’m saying not as your bandmate, but as your friend. The truth is you haven’t liked anything of ours in a long time. You’re still here, but I think you need to ask yourself why.”
I don’t say anything back. I don’t know if there is anything I could say other than, “I’ll go lock up.”
Link chuckles. “Oh, yeah. We shouldn’t leave with all our gear out for the taking.”
“Exactly.”
I return to the practice space, turn everything off, and lock the doors. My thoughts have turned into white noise, and my shoulders burn with that feeling of wanting to crawl out of my skin and run away from everything that’s wrong.
We spend two hours out at lunch, laughing and joking, like we always do, then Jelly drives Link home. I realize she knew about his health already. He told her, or she found out by accident. It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to get jealous about this. Details like these don’t matter at all.
I hit thekwoonin the evening, needing to feel the pain and get a break from thinking. Kung fu doesn’t help. I spar with some friends, but Juliette never comes. I know she has good reasons for that, and I’ve trained without her many, many times, but I miss her familiar punches so much that I cut the training session short.
The feeling of my life falling apart trails me to the changing room and to my car. I don’t want to go home. Every time I park in my driveway, my eyes seek out the Davenports’ place, a reminder of how everything is changing. So I go on a ride. I don’t care much where I’m headed. I don’t know if anything does. Gabe warned me to not ruin Juliette’s new family. Link is sick, plus he doubts my reasons for sticking around. I’m still mentally bruised from discovering I’ve been dragging my bandmates down, and every emotion in my soul is dark and suffocating. I can’t see any light. There is nothing good left.
I stop by a gate. The Halifax gate. I didn’t plan to come here, but I don’t mind that that’s where my aching mind took me.
I push the buzzer, get a narrow-eyed look from Jonas, and then the gate slides open, granting me passage. As I drive up to the main entrance, I’m forced to admit there’s at least one good thing left in my life. Laurel is already waiting for me on the steps.
Track 17
(Not) Fair
Laurel
Jace gets out of the car. I’m more excited to see him than usual. He didn’t come over last night, and I felt lonely. How I hated the feeling. Years and years on my own, and I felt fine. Only a handful of weeks with this guy, and I’m losing my mind when he’s not around. I didn’t realize how stifling and trapped I’d been feeling until he pulled me back into the world.
Jace wraps his hands around my upper arms, but he shakes his head and drops his hands. “Sorry. I should’ve…asked before…” He smiles, but the effort it takes him to summon that smile doesn’t escape me.
“Did you have a challenging day?” I hug him. That’s what he seems to need.
“Yes.” Jace sinks into my embrace, holding me tight.
