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“That’s just the thing. Even if you don’t mean to, you will. I’m not strong enough to fall in love with you and have you leave. Not when I finally have my life back on track.”
“This is a matter of trust. If you can’t trust me, then we have nothing. You’re right about that.” I stood, having aged a thousand years since I’d come in here so happy and excited to see her. “You’re wrong about me. For the record. I’m the most loyal guy in the world. How do you think I got involved with Arianna in the first place? I was too stupid to see her for what she really is, and she’s succeeded in ruining my life one more time.”
I still had the stupid flowers in my hands. I placed them on the table. “I’m sorry you won’t give this a chance. I really am.”
I walked toward the door, hoping she would call me back. She didn’t. So I walked out of there and down the hallway to my apartment. Eyes stinging, I unlocked my door and went inside, only to collapse on the floor. Leaning against the closed door, I let my head fall to my knees. Just feel it, I thought.Feel the disappointment and hurt. Don’t run from the pain.I’d taken a chance, and it had proven to be a mistake. But I couldn’t let it wreck me forever, living in a shell as Jamie had chosen. Arianna had taken away a lot from me. I would not let her take anything further.
* * *
I wasn’thungry but knew I should eat something if I was going to have another beer. I’d already sucked down one, staring at the wall and wondering how I’d fallen so fast and hard for the girl down the hall. Talk about the girl next door.
With a bag of pretzels in one hand and a new bottle of beer in the other, I wandered over to my futon and sat. I took a swig of beer, then turned on the television. Maybe there would be a new PBS show to watch. Anything to take my mind off Jamie.
My phone had buzzed several times and my heart had leaped with hope. But it was not Jamie. One text was from Arianna, asking if we could talk.
I might have gotten you in a little trouble with your girlfriend.
You did. Big trouble.
I deleted the message. Then I blocked her. I should have done that a long time ago. Funny that this was the first time she’d texted me since we broke up. It took me having someone else that had awakened this sudden affection.
She was mentally ill. That’s all there was to it.
The next text came in from Huck.
You okay?
Yeah. Jamie dumped me. Thinks I’m still hung up on the wicked witch of the west.
Nothing came back for a few minutes, other than those three dots indicating that someone was writing back. Finally, another one popped into the feed.
I’m sorry. That wasn’t what I meant, though. You haven’t seen the news? About your dad?
What now? I thought. Had he appealed or something? Before I could text back, the phone buzzed again. This time with a live call from Huck.
“Hey,” I said.
“Listen, you might want to sit for this.”
“I’m already sitting.”
“Okay, well, the thing is—I just saw it come over the AP wire. they found your dad this morning in his cell. He took his life, man. I’m sorry.”
It was as if someone had kicked me hard in the stomach with a steel-toed boot. I started to shake.Not that, Dad. Not that.
I took in big gulps of air as I stared down at the beer bottle between my knees. The end of his life. Just like that. How had he done it? Did I want to know? Was all this happening while I was at school or later when I was trapped by Arianna in the garden? What did it matter? He was dead. He’d chosen to leave me long before this. We were no longer family. Not if love is what made one. Yet he was my father. The only living relative I had left. No longer.
Could I blame him? Facing prison after what he’d done?
A sob rose up out of my chest. No, I could not let it get to me. He was nothing to me any longer. But a voice whispered to me.He was your dad. He gave you life and a home, fed you and kept you warm.
But what kind home had he raised me in? One of fear and anxiety. Where love was transactional. Every moment an uncertainty of what would come next.
Why, then, was I crying like a baby?
* * *
Half an hour later,I’d finished crying into my beer and was now working on another one. I hadn’t been able to keep myself from pulling out my laptop to do a search. It wasn’t hard to find. The headlines said it all.
