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“Ships come back to the harbor, Dad. Eventually.” He stands, pats my shoulder, and walks upstairs.
I watch Ty for a long time, mulling over what Justin said. I think about texting Bre, but I don’t know what to say. I’ve wronged her so many times, and the truth is she deserves better.
I carry my son upstairs and set him down in his cot. I climb into bed, and I sleep peacefully for the first time in a long time.
20
Bre
Iwalk into my old childhood home, and it’s like stepping into a time machine. Nothing’s changed. I try to push the ugly memories aside and see it for what it once was, my home. “Mom,” I call out.
“Brianna?” Her eyes widen in surprise as she exits the kitchen walking toward me. “I was not expecting you,” she smiles, running her hands down her apron. This is the mom I know and love, always in an apron, always in the kitchen whipping up something wonderful. Just seeing her sets my mind at ease.
“Sorry, I should have called,” I say, realizing that she may be busy.
“Nonsense, you never have to call. I just haven’t seen you in ages.” She envelopes me in a hug. I forgot how she always smelled of vanilla and that her hugs were the kind that you could get lost in.
“I know,” I say, “I should work on that.”
“That I’ll believe when I see it. Come on in, I’m cooking dinner. You’ll stay, right?”
“Yeah, sure.” I follow her into the kitchen. It’s been remodeled a bit, a few modern elements, the wooden countertops replaced with marble ones. But, it is still the same in a lot of ways. The smell of lamb has my stomach growling.
I sit at the island, which I often did when I was younger, and Mom pours me some lemonade. I could do with something a bit stronger.
“So, what brings my baby girl home?” Mom says, busying herself with cutting vegetables.
“Mom, why’d you stay?” she stops chopping and looks at me. I don’t have to elaborate.
She takes a seat at the island opposite me. “I asked myself that question the whole time. There were times when I packed my bags, and we even left home a few times, staying with gramps. You were too little, so you probably don’t remember. What your father did was unforgivable. Truthfully, I don’t know why I stayed. Maybe a part of me hoped that things would get better. It did, eventually, but the damage still sits there in the recesses of my mind. You never get over something like that. I just chose to forgive an undeserving man because no one sin is greater than another.”
I think about Nate and the fact that it was precisely why I stayed.
“Are you alright, honey?”
“Honestly, no. I’ve done something, Mom, something unforgivable, and now I am living with the repercussions of it.”
“You mean Denton?” She asks, looking me in the eye. I frown. “I’ve known about the two of you for a long time. I mean, I thought it ended that summer we were at the Julius’s. I walked in one night, and there he was, sitting in a chair watching you like you were the most precious thing he had. He didn’t see me. He was that lost in you.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted you to make your own mistakes. When he came to stay with us, it was obvious you two were more thanjustfriends. A mother knows.”
She reaches across the island and takes my hand. “I heard you cry every night after he left. I knew that you loved him. But he’d made his choice.”
“But how did you know it was about himnow?”
“Oh, I don’t think you want to know that.” The look on her face makes my cheeks heat.
“Oh my god, Mom.” I cover my face with my hands.
She stands and continues chopping vegetables.
“I am such a horrible person, Mom.”
She stops chopping and looks at me. “No, you’re just a flawed one who let her heart and libido lead her into dangerous territory. I don’t approve of what you two did; it could have and likely did, hurt a lot of people. I don’t need to know the details of it. I just know that you need to forgive yourself if you’re ever going to heal.”
“That is just it. I don’t think I can forgive myself. I hurt Savanna. I kept justifying the affair by telling myself that he was mine first. How can I be so cruel?” I wipe away a stray tear. I didn’t even realize that I was crying.
