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As if he sensed her approaching, he suddenly turned his head to look at her. He blinked and then lifted his goggles up onto his helmet. “Ivy … Angel.”
The almost worshipful way he said her name and then her nickname and the incredibly warm and welcoming look in his deep-brown eyes almost cooled her anger. Almost. How dare he risk his life like that? Did he have any idea how idiotic that was? Did he have any idea how many people died begging their tormentors to live, and he didn’t even seem to care about his own privileged life? A life that meant more to her than anything in the world?
“How dare you?” she demanded, walking up into his space and shoving at his chest.
He held up his hands, with his poles dangling from his wrists as low murmuring broke out around them. She didn’t succeed in knocking him over like she’d hoped.
“Ivy?” he questioned again as if she were off her rocker. “Are you all right?”
“No! I dang well am not all right. What do you think you’re doing risking your life like that?”
“Risking my …” He looked at her and then at the lieutenant. “Van?” he questioned.
Van stepped back and shook his head. “I just met her.”
“Do you have any idea the death and devastation I’ve seen? The war zones, the refugees, the children maimed and beaten down and starved. Left alone as their fathers go to fight or are murdered in front of their eyes. Their mothers and siblings hauled off to be …” She couldn’t say it in front of this crowd of innocents though they probably needed to hear it. “Andyou… risking your life to get a few people to clap for you?” She jammed a finger at him, her voice trembling.
Part of her realized she was losing it completely. It was all hitting her, all the pain, helplessness, and sadness. She was safe here and she could speak her mind, but she shouldn’t have come home, shouldn’t be here yelling at Ammon. Out their working she could keep all the pain at bay as she focused on others. Here it was so peaceful and perfect. The awful memories surfaced and she was dealing with them, no matter if she wanted to.
Ammon’s stunt had been out of control and idiotic. One back flip … a little nuts. Two back flips? Complete and total insane risk that he should not have taken. What if he’d broken his neck? No matter that they’d never be together again she couldn’t handle living in a world where Ammon was broken or dead. Ten years she’d been aching for this man, realizing within a month of leaving home that she was doing an important work but she’d lost the man she loved because of her dreams. Within a year she’d realized no other man compared to Ammon or ever would. She should’ve come back then and begged him to forgive her and love her but her course had been set. After ten years of missing him, this is what she found him doing? It was all compounded with the pain and fear and awful memories. She could not keep living if this one good thing in her life was destroyed. Her world would end if something happened to Ammon.
“Ivy.” Ammon’s voice was calm and deep and wonderful as ever. “It was just a trick. I’ve done it dozens of times and it’s very safe. Are you all right?” His gaze penetrated through her as if he could still see into her heart and soul.
No. She was absolutely not all right. She was unstable and shaky and filled with the anguish of all she’d seen and the people she tried to help had been through. She needed him to gather her close and hold her and make all the longing for him and the hard things she’d been exposed to wash away. She’d seen a lot of wonderful things as well, been a part of projects that helped and lifted and inspired her and others. But right now all the injustices were coming to the surface.
“Not chill,” one of the teenage boys said.
“Hot but disturbed,” the other one agreed.
“Dirk, Porter,” Ammon’s voice wasn’t sharp or particularly loud, but it was a warning.
“Sorry,” the one kid muttered. The other one just looked away.
She glanced around and realized everyone was staring at her as if she was a nut job. She didn’t care what they thought, but she didn’t need to endure it either.
“Excuse me,” she murmured. Turning, she strode as fast as she could back down the hill. Her face burned and her entire body felt tight and achy as if she’d just lost Ammon all over again. Why had she thought it was a good idea to come here tonight? Why had she let herself have some kind of vision of seeing Ammon, his dark eyes lighting up, them running for each other and having the reconnection kiss of the century? Him healing all the pain and loss and making her whole again.
So dumb.
They were even farther apart than they’d been ten years ago. Now instead of having idealistic dreams of loving and lifting the world she had memories of pain and sadness, sickness and evil. She relied on God and she wasn’t one to blame the ills of this world on Him, but despite the happy times she’d had, the people she’d been able to help, and the beauty she’d seen in her travels, she was defeated after the agony of Banida.
And Ammon was still acting like a crazy teenager, risking his life to entertain a crowd. This was what happened when somebody never left home, never grew up, never saw the dangers of the real world. Ammon was so pure and good, he couldn’t even imagine how depraved some men could be.
She felt like an idiot for yelling at him, even if it was justified in her mind. She should’ve just said hello. How’s it going? And went on her way. Now Ammon would probably either wish she stayed away for another ten years or worse … realize how much she loved him and how devastated she’d be if anything happened to him.
She increased her speed. She needed to hide out until the day after Christmas then she’d leave early to meet Emmett and Cambree and serve them and their darling boys on the flight to New York. From there she’d leave them to the Hawk extended family Christmas party at Bridger and Avalyn’s Long Island estate and she’d travel alone to Banida.
No matter that she didn’t want to leave ever again. The children were asking for her and the rebuilding project was of top importance.
The quicker she got away from Ammon Jardine and Summit Valley … the better.
