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I know I won’t stay in Henley-on-Thames forever. I’ve been looking for jobs in Manchester and Liverpool, needing a completely fresh start—somewhere away from here—away from the possibility of bumping into Cain. I want to peel myself away from anyone who knows me and build myself back up. Build a new me, someone stronger and wiser. I want to tear the ivy-like pain from deep within me and replace it with a strength that not even I can shake. I had called Cain a coward, but I’m no different, hiding behind the comfort of my parents, licking my wounds, and wallowing in heartache. I don’t imagine I will feel all that much better if I move away, but I won’t have to pretend to those closest to me that I’m okay when in truth, my world imploded, and it’s been rotting inside me ever since.
Lifting my chin, I pick up my speed, and my mouth twists my face into a semblance of a smile. For the first time in a long while, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s dim and lacking full connection, but I see it.
My phone rings, and I turn it over, expecting it to be my mother, but Perry’s name flashes back at me. Sucking in a deep breath, I connect the call. “Hey, you!” I say chirpily.
“Alien! How're things? Physio going okay?”
“I’ve just left my appointment.” I force a light laugh and walk towards my mum’s car in the small parking space at the back of the health centre. “It’s healing well. I’ll be running a marathon in no time.”
“Bullshit, you hate exercise.” He chortles.
“Eating ice cream seems so much more fun,” I joke. The weekend after Cain left me, Perry turned up at my parents’ house with a worried-looking Amberley. The following weekend, he was back, and it soon became clear that he was doing Cain’s bidding. After that, I forced myself to act as though I wasn’t crushed by his friend's dismissal of our relationship. I played the upset but understanding ex long enough for him to believe I wasn’t struggling to get out of bed each day. My lies are as exhausting as the loss I’m lugging around.
“Did Kat reach out?” he suddenly asks. I’ve been in touch with everyone back in London. Amberley has visited when she isn’t working, and twice, Deeks has been to check in on me. Kat and I have texted, but we’ve remained distant. She is building a relationship with Cain, and other than him, we haven’t much in common. I never felt I got to know her well enough. Trying now seems like a lie, even if I seem to be good at telling them.
“No. why?”
“Oh, it's her birthday this weekend, and she’s having a party at Carson Court. She mentioned inviting you, but I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about coming to Cain’s house?”
Carson Court? It’s the first I’ve heard of it. I frown, feeling thoroughly cut off from everything going on back in London. I’d made solid friends and built a new life. I loved being in London, the city life, and being my own woman. Whilst I’ve been stuck in rehabilitation, it seems everyone else has been moving on without me. The notion presses on my solar plexus and robs me of any available air. It hurts to know the group is making plans without me—that Cain has a home. I’d felt so sure that he was it for me and that we’d move in together. How wrong I was.
The court case is gaining him more exposure than ever before. His life is progressing at light speed, and I’ve been left with nothing. No prospects. No apartment. My career has hit a stalemate, and the thought of entering into another relationship makes me feel physically sick. The only thing I've learnt from all this is I have a poor choice in men, and I’m far more naïve than I realised. Far more wistful than I dared admit. I’m embarrassed to think I believed I belonged with him. Shame trickles down my spine, an icy pain stiffening my back and making my breath catch sharply.
“I’m actually busy, so maybe another time,” I say quietly.
“We miss you, alien.” His voice takes on a sullen tone. “The group feels disjointed and…” He sighs heavily. “Did you hear that the photographer was located and confessed? He was on Royce’s books—andthe driver of the car that hit you. They are all going to pay for their part, Lauren.”
I nod and unlock my mother’s car, sliding in and massaging my leg when it twinges. “Yes.” My tone is light, but I can’t disguise the croak of humiliation I’m attacked with whenever I am reminded of that incident. “It’ll help the case against Royce,” I voice woodenly. That’s all Cain cares about—ruining his stepfather. It was all he truly cared about. Royce was an addiction, a dark obsession that Cain couldn’t walk away from.
“We don’t need to talk about this if you don’t want to?” I hear him swallow on the other end of the phone, and I close my eyes and try to be patient, to fold my feelings away and keep the upbeat lilt in my tone.
“It’s not really any of my business, Perry. I’m glad Royce is finally having to face up to his actions.”
“Are you about next weekend? I can come and visit—maybe we can make a weekend of it. Go to the seaside or something?” Excitement slides down the line, and I smile softly.
“I’m hoping to view some apartments,” I lie. “I’ll let you know.”
“I can view them with you. Are they in London?” he questions.
“No. I was thinking of up north. It’s still in the works so—” My voice trails off, uncomfortable with my half-truths.
“Oh, I thought you liked working at the cafe?”
My laugh is short and sarcastic. It costs me to utilise that emotion because I've been devoid of any for so long. “It’s nice enough, but it’s never been where my heart is, Perry,” I chastise and feel guilty when he clears his throat uncomfortably.
“I know. I… I guess I'm just shocked. I hoped you’d move back. I really miss you, Lauren,” he expresses quietly.
“I miss you too.” I bite my lip to fight the tears building behind my eyes. “I need a change though, to start over. The last few months have been a lot to digest, you know.” The confession is robbed from me. I regret saying it the second it’s out there, but it’s too late.
“Yeah, but you’re doing okay though, right?” It’s the first time he has questioned me since he first came to visit, and I can sense the doubt in his voice, feel it reach for me with concerned arms and grip onto my shoulders, weighing them down. “You kind of just bounced back. I got the impression you were fine. No offence, but you've dealt with the split far better than Cain has,” he scoffs loosely.
It’s like a shockwave has surged through me. I suck in a deep breath and swallow the bitter laugh bubbling in my stomach. Anger simmers, and I grit my teeth hard enough to break my own jaw. I did keep bouncing back. At first. That photographer had punctured my resolve, forcing a little of my fight to slowly leak out. Cain and been there to pump life back into me, to be the wall of comfort. He’d promised to keep me safe. To give me reason to allow myself to be vulnerable. However, the public humiliation and being hit by a car had been for nothing because he’d cast me aside like a spare piece of clothing, and I felt spare. Worthless. I hated that feeling—hated even more so that I felt it because of someone. My anger creeps its way to my mouth, and before I can stop myself, I snap.
“He’ll get over it. I had to.” I sound harsh, bitter even, and when Perry doesn’t answer for a few seconds, I know he is starting to question everything I’ve falsely thrown his way over the past few months.
“He was trying to protect you,” he replies, and my eyes close.
“I need to head home. I’ll let you know if I'm free next weekend.”
