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He looked up at me. “This isn’t a good idea, sweetheart.”
I felt my cheeks flame. “You’re right. God, I’m so sorry.”
He set his phone on the table, near my bag, and pulled me close to him. “Here’s why it isn’t a good idea. Now that I’ve finally kissed you, I don’t want to stop.”
“I can’t. I mean, we can’t.”
He dropped his hands a second time. “I know, and that’s why I can’t stay.”
A tear ran down my cheek. Fucking vodka. If I weren’t drunk, I’d never cry in front of him. I wouldn’t have kissed him either.
Spider wiped the tear away with the pad of his thumb. “Hey, now. There’s nothing to cry about.”
“I’ve ruined things between us.”
“Do you really think it’ll be that easy to get rid of me? I’d say you know me better than that.”
“Then, why do you have to leave?”
He took a deep breath. “You know what? I don’t. If you still want me to, I’ll stay.”
“Even though we can’t…?”
He smiled and kissed my forehead. “Yep, even though we can’t.” He motioned toward the sofa. “Okay if I bunk there?”
“No. I have a bed. I mean, of course I have a bed. But I have two. Jesus. What I’m trying to say is I have a guestbedroom.” God, I was such an idiot. The last time I’d let my guard down this much was with Beau. My husband. My dead husband. I felt like banging my head against the wall. “I’m sorry, Spider. I think I passed the point of no return about two hours and five shots ago. I’m not like this. I mean, you of all people know I’m not like this.”
“I do know, sweetheart. As much as I sometimes wish you were.” He hung his head. “Forget I said that.”
“I’m glad you said it,” I whispered. “I won’t be tomorrow, but tonight I am.”
“Go to bed, Casper, and point me in the direction of mine. If you don’t…”
“What?”
“I was going to say we both might fall over from exhaustion. However, that’s not exactly true.” He raised his head, and his eyes met mine. “If you don’t, I might be tempted to kiss you again.”
I wanted him to. So much. But like with me telling him I was glad he said what he had, I knew tomorrow, I wouldn’t be. Tomorrow, I wouldn’t be happy we’d kissed at all. I’d be mortified. I turned to walk away, but Spider grabbed my hand.
“In case this never happens again, I need one more.”
I closed my eyes and squeezed his hand.
“Calla? Look at me.”
I shook my head. “Just kiss me.”
“Not until you look at me.”
What I saw when I did nearly floored me. Beau was the only man who’d looked at me the way Spider was now. It was a night I remembered vividly because it was the last time we’d made love before he left on a mission he’d never return from. Whenever I thought about it, part of me wondered if he’d somehow known. That’s how intense his desire had been. Just like Spider’s was now.
Seeing it terrified me. Not because I was afraid of him, because I was afraid of how I felt when I was with him. Afraid of how much I wished I could lead him to my bed instead of down the hall to the guest room.
With his eyes focused on mine, Spider leaned forward and kissed me. He’d dropped his hands, so the only place we touched was our lips. I wished he’d put his arm around me so I could lean into him and feel his whole body against mine. And maybe that’s why he hadn’t. Because now I’d have to be the one brave enough to do it. I couldn’t just let it happen or tell myself it wasn’t what I wanted.
He drew away too soon. Long before I’d had enough, but his gaze didn’t leave mine. It was as though he was challenging me to take more if I wanted it. I shook my head, turned, and walked away. I tried to tell him I wasn’t brave enough, but he already knew that.
I stopped in front of the first door I came to and opened it. Spider joined me and peeked inside. “Looks like this is me,” he said.
