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“The only way you could get him to talk!” I shout, finally turning back to her. “Why not bring him to me? I still would’ve agreed to your terms, saved you the time of interrogating him yourselfandthe FBI’s resources you used to put him in WITSEC.” I shake my head, biting my lip to keep from saying something more hurtful. “All you did…all you did, Ariana, was rob me of my chance to have justice for my sister.”
“No,” she says. “No, I saved you from yourself.”
“What the Hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Alister, you and I both know that if I brought him here, you would’ve killed him. And then you would’ve had to live with that guilt.”
“Guilt?Do you think I feel guilty for killing the men who raped and sold my sister or the man who raped and tortured her some more before killing her? The man who disintegrated her body in a barrel so that there was nothing left? Nothing left, Ariana.Fuck no!I don’t feel guilty. And killing Edgar Walsh wouldn’t have changed that and you know it.”
“Fine.” She stands. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe you shouldn’t feel guilty. But killing Walsh wouldn’t have avenged your sister, Alister.” She takes a step toward me. “There isnothingyou can do that will avenge her. There is no justice for what they did to Cara. None.”
“If that’s true, then how is she supposed to let go, huh? How is she supposed to find peace?” It’s then that my eyes find Cara once more, lingering. She’s always lingering.
“Alister, Cara is gone. Her eternal rest, her salvation isn’t in your control.” Ariana closes the distance between us and takes my hands in hers. Deep down, I know she’s right. It’s not Cara who can’t let go. It’s me. I may not feel guilty for killing those men, but I do feel responsible for what happened to Cara. She was my sister. She was mine to protect and I failed. Maybe somewhere inside of me I think the more men I kill in her name, the more responsibility I place on them, the less guilt I’ll have to feel. But that’s just my foolish attempt at coping with her death.
“She’s gone, Alister,” Ariana says again. “Everything you’ve done since her death has been for you, not her. And that’s okay. It’s just not okay for you to think you have power over the dead. Of all the things you carry, this is one you need to let go.”
I consider her words, unwilling to admit aloud that she’s right. If I do, Cara will hear and maybe she’ll stop— I pinch my eyes closed to fight off tears threatening to fall. The truth is I’m not ready to say goodbye to her. I’m not sure I’ll ever be. I suppose the silver lining of my looming war with the Irish mob is that I get to prolong my mourning period. I get to hold on to her a little while longer.
Clinging to my distraction, I open my eyes and say, “There’s only one person left alive who may know the identity of the person in New Orleans working against me.”
Ariana lets go of my hands and takes a step back. She’s surprised at my sudden shift of subject, and, as realization dawns on her, she says, “We’re going to Boston, aren’t we?”
15
Alister Amato isthe most confusing human being I’ve ever encountered. One minute he’s this sophisticated gentleman who wears suits tailored to perfection and exudes self-control. The next, he’s this brick wall of a man who looks as if he could burn the entire world down and rise from the ashes unharmed. His constantly shifting personality makes me realize how fragile his self-control truly is, and that scares me. Though, not enough to walk away from him and the assistance he’s promised me, as is evident by my place on the leather sofa against the wood-paneled wall of his office.
Alister sits at his desk while he and Gio discuss the information I shared with him. I would try to contribute to their conversation, especially since I’m the one who will be accompanying Alister to Boston, but, instead, I’m consumed by memories of my most recent encounter with him.
I knew learning that Walsh and his men were the ones who abducted Cara would be difficult for Alister to hear, especially since he believed he’d rid the world of the men responsible months ago. And yet, I still could not anticipate his reaction. He was not only furious, deadly, but broken and on the verge of tears. The sight of him so emotional tugged on my heartstrings in a way I’ve never felt before. Seeing Alister grieve his sister, a person who was just as important to him as my mom was to me, makes me feel the pain of her loss all over again. It’s a crippling, heartbreaking pain that is both tangible and intangible. What makes it worse, what makes my soul swell for Alister, is that there is no cure, at least not one I’ve found in the near twenty years since my mother’s death. That is why I asked to join Alister in Boston, to be there by his side as he comes face-to-face with the man he believes will be his cure, the man he believes will lead to true justice for his sister. He’ll need someone who understands his unending torment when Gallagher’s answers fail to heal what’s broken inside him.
However, just as Alister is confusing, so are my feelings for him. Why do I care about his pain? Why do I care about him? He’s a criminal, one my vow to protect the innocent requires me to apprehend. And yet, he’s so much more than that. From our very first meeting, I could tell there was more to him than I thought. And today only affirmed it. His pain is my pain. In his suffering and grief, I find myself, a kindred spirit plagued by the same demons. Though, I’m starting to fear there’s something more between us than a common understanding of tragedy.
As we stood on the circle drive fronting the Amato mansion, there was something in the way he pulled me back to him, his movements so fierce and efficient, that took my breath away. In his eyes I saw something primal, something that made my insides quiver in both excitement and fear. It lasted only a moment and yet, it lasted long enough to awaken an urge, a desire in me that’s long been dormant. As I take in the four walls of Alister’s office and all that they encompass, I can’t help but wonder what I’ve gotten myself into and if I’m prepared to face it.
“I need to know everything about him, Gio. I need to know where he eats, sleeps, fucks, and any unusual stops on his itinerary. Once we have all of that we can decide what the best course of attack will be for Ariana and me.”
At the mention of my name my focus returns to Alister and Gio only to find Gio’s face etched with surprise. Hmm. It looks strange on him. I thought he had only one expression—stern and obedient.
“Boss, are you saying you and Ariana plan to take down Gallagher on your own, in enemy territory?”
“There’s a mole, Gio. It could be someone in this house, a maid, a cook, one of our men. We won’t know who’s plotting against us until we get to Gallagher, and if you leave with me, it’ll draw too much attention. We can’t risk tipping off the traitor before we’re ready to take him out.”
Alister looks at me then. Under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t be able to speak so plainly about murder in my presence. But, since his deal with the FBI allows him free rein for a year, he’s able to commit as many crimes as he wants until the bureau begins their investigation, which will be only on present-day criminal activity. I pose no risk to Alister, at least not yet.
“No one knows who Ariana is,” Alister says then, returning his attention to Gio. “And if the night of the Halloween party tells us anything, it’s that she can handle herself. It’s the best of a bad situation.”
“Handling herself and trusting her to have your back are two very different things,” Gio says. He’s not wrong. But Alister is right. He needs backup and yet he can’t be seen bringing an army into Irish mob territory.
“That’ll be all, Gio,” Alister says then. Gio takes his dismissal humbly and leaves the office quietly as Alister focuses on his laptop.
I stand and make my way to the chair seated in front of his desk. Still, Alister doesn’t look at me. Perhaps he’s still upset I refused to give him Edgar. Regardless, this partnership will never work if we can’t learn how to communicate.
“Listen, Gio is right. In all the missions I’ve been a part of with the bureau, the ones that fail do so for one of two reasons.” Alister looks at me then. “Poor intel or poor communication among the team. Like it or not, you and I are a team about to go after a very dangerous man in a dangerous city. We need to find a way to trust one another, at least enough to believe we won’t let each other get killed.”
Alister nods and leans back in his chair. “And how do you propose we do that? If you haven’t noticed, I don’t trust easily, and for good reason, apparently.”
“Well, we have that in common. You’ve been surrounded by enemies your entire life and have very few confidants. That’s a burden I understand, so much so I envy the bond you have with Gio and Sophia. I don’t even have that.”
