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As my sorrow gives way to anger, I push myself from the floor, grab my purse from the nightstand, and make my way through my apartment to the exit. It will break me to see Alister again, just as much as it breaks me to be apart from him. But I will never forgive myself if I let my heartbreak get in the way of avenging my mother. I’m the one who started this. I’m the one who’s going to end it. Though when I yank my door open, my momentum is stalled by the man who loves me. Only, just not the right one.
“Good, you’re alive.”
“Ray?”
“It’s been so long you’ve forgotten my face.Perfect.” Ray forces his way into my apartment as I stand stunned. What is he doing here? Better yet, how do I get rid of him? I haven’t seen him since the night he helped me capture Edgar Walsh. That’s not to say he hasn’t tried calling and texting, but I haven’t known what to say to him. I never did give him the explanation he wanted when it came to Walsh and our night in the swamp. And I can’t tell him about Alister—not that I’ve been working with him for weeks now, not that I’ve fallen in love with him, not that I slept with him, not that he broke my heart, and especially not that he is about to commit a murder, one I will likely help him with.
“Ray, I…I was just on my way out.” I feel bad. Ray has been a good friend and he deserves some sort of an explanation. He truly does. But not now, not today, especially when the sight of him only makes me think of Alister.
“Ariana.”Uh-oh.Ray’s use of my first name rather than Ari, accompanied by his exasperated tone, lets me know I’m in trouble and he isn’t going to leave without a fight—a big one. “Look, there is a lot I want to talk to you about. Like how you’ve been MIA for months now. How you had me help you kidnap a man who turned out to be connected to the Irish mob only to then offer him asylum in WITSEC. And how you’ve been avoiding my calls and texts ever since. Oh, and let’s not forget, where you’ve been sleeping for weeks on end now.”
“What are you talking about?” I cross my arms in defense.
“Do you honestly think this is the first time I’ve come to your apartment looking for you? This is just the first time you’ve been home.” I nod and close the door he left open. Does he know? About Alister? About all of it? If he’s truly been so worried about me that he’s been staking out my apartment, then it’s possible he’s done other things, like follow me to Laroux House. Though I imagine if he knew what I’ve been up to, he would’ve found a way to confront me long before now, especially since my relationship with Alister is an utter violation of Bilieux’s orders. If Bilieux found out, it would be grounds for termination. Not that I give a damn about that corrupt bastard. He can try to fire me all he likes. Alister will— I stop myself as thoughts of Alister threaten to overcome me once more. “And yet, none of that is why I’m here,” Ray says then, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets.
“Why are you here?” I ask. Ray takes a deep breath. The somber expression he wears is strikingly different from the Ray I remember—the blond-haired, blue-eyed, happy-go-lucky guy always ready with a smile and a joke. “Ray, what is it? Just tell me.” I slap my hand against my thigh. It’s then that his brows crinkle and he takes a step toward me.
“Wait, have you been crying?” At that, my lips part and I lower my eyes to the floor. “Ari?” Ray closes the distance between us. Bringing his hand to my chin, he lifts my head, forcing me to look at him once more. The simple movement makes me think of Alister. Everything makes me think of Alister! I bite my lip and pull away from him, fighting tooth and nail to hold my emotions inside. Not only can I not tell Ray the truth, at least not today, I also don’t have time to have another breakdown. I have to get to Vitale before Alister kills him.
“I really have to go,” I say then. I turn and reach for the handle on my front door, but Ray stops me from opening it by pressing his palm against the wood. “Ray. What are you doing?” I do not turn to him as he speaks, though I can hear the hesitancy in his voice. Whatever it is, he doesn’t want to say it, he doesn’t want to believe it’s true.Oh no.He knows.
“There are whispers around the bureau that you’ve been investigating Alister Amato for months now, despite Bilieux’s orders. I don’t think I need to explain how bad this could get if you don’t find a way to refute the rumors and fast. Bilieux doesn’t need another reason to fire you. Giving him one may make your suspension permanent.”
At that, I turn to him. In his eyes, I find worry. “Knowing this, when I didn’t answer—”
“I thought there was a chance you were dead, Ariana.” He brings his hand to my cheek. No.No, not like he does it.Please.I can’t. “Please tell me it’s not true.”
“I…I can’t do that, Ray. And I also can’t let you touch me like that, ever, ever again.” Shock and sadness contort Ray’s features as he lowers his hand. I step around him, putting an entire room’s width between us. “Look, I…I will tell you everything. I will. But right now—”
“Right now, what? Where do you have to run off to? To see him?” As Ray loses himself in his hurt and anger, I welcome the guilt I feel for lying to him and denying him. It eases some of the sadness I fear is permanent. He shouldn’t have found out this way. He shouldn’t have found out at all. But how? How could those rumors have been started? No one in the bureau cares enough to keep tabs on me except for Ray, and even he didn’t know of my investigation into Alister until he heard a rumor.Bilieux.
Alister told me that Bilieux suspected I’d approached him. He didn’t know why or how, and he certainly didn’t know the extent of our relationship. But he knew our paths had crossed or else Alister never would’ve used his FBI login to look me up. That put me on Bilieux’s radar in the wrong way, as if I wasn’t already. Alister assured me he’d handle Bilieux, but what if Bilieux plans onhandlingme first out of fear I’ve gotten too close to Alister and have learned of his corruption. By spreading a rumor around the bureau that links me to a known criminal, he’s creating an easy motive for my murder. Ray is worried Bilieux will fire me, but I think he’s capable of getting rid of me in other, more permanent ways.
“Ray,” I say, stopping his tangent. “Ray, you have to leave.”
“What?”
“You can’t be seen with me, not while these rumors are circulating.” I begin pushing him toward the door. Alister said that my being seen with him while there was a target on his back put me at risk. Now I fear the same for Ray. If Bilieux thinks I know his secret and that I’ve told Ray, he won’t just come after me. He’ll come after us both.
“What?Why?”
“Because!I’ve already dragged you into this mess once. I won’t do it again. You helped me capture Walsh and put him in WITSEC. That was for my investigation into Alister Amato. If Bilieux finds out, he’ll have just as much reason to fire you as he does me. So, you need to leave.” At that, I pull the front door open and step aside for Ray to leave.
“No. No, Ariana, I’m not going anywhere until we talk.” I throw my hands up in exasperation. Though, my peripheral vision picks up on movement that draws my attention from Ray.
As Christio Vitale along with three armed men appear in my open doorway, my eyes go wide with horror and my entire body goes numb. I guess I don’t have to worry about Alister killing him before I get my face-to-face. Though, as his green eyes bore into mine, an evil smirk tugging at his lips, I wish he had.
“You should’ve listened to her, son.”
30
My lungs fillwith steam while the taste of eucalyptus lingers on my tongue. As I stand, half-naked in the bathroom that holds far too many memories, it invades my nostrils and fills my being as if it has the power to make me breathe easier, but no such power exists. There is no cure for the raw agony coursing through my veins. There is no treatment that can erase the memory of her touch, her voice, her body, her spirit. There is no soap able to wash the scent of her from my skin and my sheets. These are the memories we both wanted. These are the moments we both sought to cling to. Yet, I never imagined them to be so torturous, so debilitating. They haunt me.Shehaunts me.
As I stare into the ornate mirror, it is not my damp, towel-draped figure that stares back. It’s her. She stands before me just as she did only a few hours before. And like before, her eyes are bloodshot. Her cheeks are red and stained with tears that never cease. She is the picture of utter heartbreak. As she takes me in, her gaze shifts from one of pity to one of horror as I prick her skin with the strongest possible dose of my cook’s most recent creation. Memories of her falling into me come to me. I lower my gaze from my mirror to my arms as if I might find her in them. Alas, they are empty, as is my heart, as were her eyes as she drifted out of consciousness.
Desperate for a distraction, I slather shaving cream onto my face and reach for my straight razor. I imagine Ariana caressing my cheek, running her fingers through my stubble just as she did the night before. As my chest aches with the thought of her, I bring the blade to my skin and begin removing the source of the memory. I fight the urge to lean into its sharp edge. If I bleed, then at least I have a reason to feel as I do. As it stands, I have no right to break, to cry, to yell, to mourn the loss of her, because it is I who pushed her away. I ruined us.I…I broke her. And maybe she could’ve forgiven me for that. But after this morning, she’ll never trust me again. She…she’ll hate me.
If only she had hated me from the start, saying goodbye to her wouldn’t hurt so much. But she saw me for me and for the man I want to be, and she loved me.She loved me.And that is exactly why I did what I did. It’s why I can’t have her anywhere near Vitale, at least not until I have him in my custody, restrained, where he can’t hurt her. Because as much as she loves me, I love her. I love her with everything that I am. Every crevice of my heart belongs to her. It is a love so powerful that I’ve never felt anything like it. It’s different from the love of my family. It’s…it’s all-consuming. It’s as if she is mine and mine alone to protect.
