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I hadn’t touched that in almost two years.
I pulled it out and took a seat on the end of my bed, undid the tie holding it shut, and opened it. I braced myself for a moment, then started flipping through the pages. It was a mix of assignments, and my own creative ideas. Buildings on campus. Some portraits of friends I’d taken. The diner in black and white.
The last page was one of Lucas and me, I was sitting beside him in our booth at Jimmy’s, his textbooks were stacked in the corner, his eyes were tired, but his smile drew me in and I reached out, tracing his face before closing the book with a soft thud.
The pain had to dissipate at some point, and I’d just have to survive somehow until it did.
***
We’d been back days already. I was running on autopilot, dreading the text notifications on my phone, but none of them were him.
I didn’t know which was worse—waiting to hear from him, or never hearing from him again.
I knew some of this was my fault entirely, that I should have known going into things that it wouldn’t last. It never could.
We were too different. Mr. Soon-to-be Hotshot Lawyer.
And he’d called me on things I’d never call myself out on, even if they were true.
He’d ripped off the Band-Aid without warning, leaving me there completely alone in the villa with my own thoughts and regrets. I’d kept everything to myself…he was the one person I didn’t want to know the truth. That I was a failure…by any way you measured it, including my own eyes. I just didn’t want to be in his eyes…and surprise, apparently, I was.
I sat in my apartment, my chicken fried rice I’d picked up on the table beside me. I’d pulled out my little carrying case, the ones I’d put all my SD cards into.
I don’t even know why I was tempted to load them onto the computer. Lucas would be in almost half the shots…a pure painful hit to my already fragile and shattered heart.
I ate another spoonful of my favorite rice and looked at the open case in front of me.
Just do it, Abbie.
I reached over, taking out one card, hoping it was one with the least amount of Lucas possible, and loaded it into the slot.
The familiar pop up showed up on my screen and I clicked it, allowing the computer to import the photos onto the hard drive.
I watched the number climb and go up and up until it was done. I held my breath as I watched the folder populate. I hadn’t thought I'd taken so many, but I hadn't thought much during that time we were there.
I took the card out and opened the folder, looking at the sidebar full of photos waiting for me to do something with them. I scrolled down slowly as row upon row filled my screen and I scanned each as I passed by. The villa, the beach, the sand...my room...Lucas.
My heart slowed, and I couldn’t stop myself from clicking on it.
A moment later, his face took up my entire monitor, and a sob racked my body.
My breath caught in my throat as I looked at the profile pic I’d snapped of him driving. I didn’t even remember when it was—from the order of the photos, it was early on, but he looked gorgeous, suntanned, and relaxed, the hint of a smile on his full lips.
For a moment, I could feel the hint of them against mine…
And I squeezed my eyes shut, willing the memory, the sensation away as the threat of tears stung my eyes.
The ache of missing him would kill me. I regretted so much about that trip, not to mention that knowing there was probably no way to ever make thing right... I'd hidden so much from him for so long, my feelings...what had happened with that stupid internship...too scared of everything.
Following my heart had gotten it broken twice—the internship and Lucas.
Everything I feared losing, I’d lost.
I shook my head, reaching for the wine cooler I’d taken out of the fridge. Marnie had picked up some food for me before I even got home and must have known I'd need something to drown my sorrows in. I took a sip then gazed back at the screen, the ache in my chest still there.
I double-clicked, bringing the photo up in my editing program. I ignored the hammering of my heart, beating as crazily as if he were in the same room with me and not the ghost I was looking at.
I was stupid.
