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For Kevin, that cabin was haunted. She would work the late shift every night for the rest of her life to spare him that.
“It makes sense.” His voice held both reserve and resolve, though Helen wasn’t sure how that was possible.
“No it doesn’t.”
“Yes, my love, it does. It’s paid for.”
“It’s not really livable,” she countered. And that was somewhat true. It would take money to make it a place that their growing family could set up home in—and even then it’d be cramped. Not exactly moving up in the world, as there would be no more space than this little trailer house provided.
“Most of that is superficial. I can fix it.” Kevin’s palm covered the baby growing in her belly.
Helen placed her hand over his. “Kevin, we’re okay here.”
“No, we’re not.” Emotion caught in his voice. “I don’t want you working yourself ragged anymore. I don’t want you to pay for my stupidity like this. It’s . . .” He drew in a shuddering inhale. “It’s humiliating, Helen.”
“Kevin,” she whispered, tears hot in her eyes.
“It is, and I don’t want things to be this way anymore. I would rather face everything that I’ve been running from than to see you exhausted all the time. I would rather my sons grow up knowing I was brave enough to deal with the things in my past, rather than them finding out that you worked the way you do because I was too much of a coward to handle it.” His hand slid from her womb, and then he was cupping her face. “I would rather be able to look your dad in the eye.”
“My dad?”
Lips pursed, his eyes slid shut, and he nodded.
“What about my dad?”
Silence was his extended answer.
“Kevin, whatever my dad did or said doesn’t matt—”
“Yes it does, Helen. It matters a great deal. When it comes to you, I have been nothing but sneaky, disrespectful, and dishonorable to him. How can that possibly show him Christ in me? How can we by any measure be a testimony to him, the way you want to be, if I remain that sort of man?”
“You’re not. You’re sober now.”
“It’s not enough.”
“It’s everything.”
He shook his head. “No. Not for him. Not for me.” Lips pressed tight again, Kevin couldn’t continue, but his thick emotion bled through his gaze.
Helen fingered one dark, thick eyebrow. “You work so hard. We’ll get it paid off.”
“I’ll continue to work hard.” Kevin gathered her in close. “But I think this is what we should do. We can pay off my bill before this baby comes.”
She felt his pensiveness about it. It didn’t matter who understood or didn’t, Helen knew the cost this move would require of her husband’s heart. She knew his fear of it. It made her own anxiety about moving into the place of his bad memories heighten.
Into that unease, Helen knew an anger directed at her dad. Whatever he had said and done—and it was clear that Kevin wasn’t going to share that bit with her—it wasn’t needed. She didn’t think it was helpful, and in her heart there arose a powerful defender longing to shield her husband from her dad’s censure.
If her dad only knew the shadows that lurked in Kevin’s childhood. If he really understood the difficulties Kevin faced now . . . perhaps he wouldn’t push her husband to such hard measures.
But Helen also sensed Kevin’s need for this.
She’d seen the dimness in his eyes every time she got ready to go to the diner. The way his broad shoulders would curve inward, the way his gaze would cast toward the floor when she kissed him good night before she left for her shift. When she would share with him how much she’d made in tips on a good night—every cent earmarked to pay off the hospital bill—he would nod silently and swallow. She’d witnessed his fight for gratitude in the midst of the shame.
That wasn’t what she wanted for him either.
In the shelter of his arms, Helen shut her eyes and prayed.Lord, is this Your way for us? Because it scares me. I don’t want to lose him . . .
That was her greatest fear—that she would lose the husband she loved more every day to the powerful grip of a bottle. Driven back to it by the memories and emotions that still dredged his heart. And if she did lose him, it seemed certain that it would be for forever this time.
