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As we mosey on back toward the subway stop, my wife rings. “How’d it go?”
“Fine. He gave me some work and I got an appointment to speak with Patten’s shrink.”
“Really? And you agreed to talk?”
“Yes ma’am.” I make the mistake of grinning which she no doubt picks up on.
“Suds, oh my God, no rambling.”
“No ma’am. I wouldn’t dream of it.” So she won’t hear me laughing, I mute the phone, but I wasn’t fooling no one.
Her snort speaks volumes. “Whatever, but that’s not why I called. The plumber came to fix the trap, but he said the problem must’ve attracted a rat and it died someplace in one of our walls.”
“Aw, nothin’ says Christmas like the odor of deceased rodent.” I laugh because once I get rid of the animal, we can go back home.
“Not funny.”
Sam should sound happier. Maybe she doesn’t understand I can take care of this little issue. “I tell you what. After brunch tomorrow, we’ll go check it out and move out of Vinny’s apartment.”
Her heavy sigh sets my spidey senses on high alert. “Yeah, about that… Sal ordered a part but because of supply problems and the fact our plumbing is over seventy years old, it may take a week… or even more to fix the toilet.”
I cringe. “Sugar, I may need to resort to violence.”
“I’m with you, tough guy. I’ll call around and see if there’s another plumber available.” Once she hangs up, Mikey and I head home, and the rest of the day flies by.
Before long, it’s Sunday church and we’re sitting in the last pew, listening to the second-best rambler in the world, Monsignor O’Connell.
He gives thirty minutes of the most convoluted sermon I ever heard. After he says amen, I want to applaud but Sam throws a hymnal in my hand.
“Sing.”
Mikey, holding his picture book bible, glances up at me. “Wamblin’ daddy?”
I whisper in his ear. “Yup. Father O is the greatest, next to me, of course.”
Chuckling, I open to the psalm and belt it out. My kid does, too, which makes the elderly ladies in front of us turn and smile.
We stand up, sit down, kneel, and pray for another thirty minutes. When we’re done, I walk out the door and shake the old priest’s hand. “Finest damn sermon I ever heard. I swear you get better every time I listen.”
Old eyes water as he smiles. “Why thank you, Sebastian. So many people simply don’t appreciate how hard I work to prepare the word of God such that it can be understood in today’s modern world.”
“Goin’ from drinkin’ and gamblin’ to lovin’ one another but not livin’ in sin? The importance of marriage but not spendin’ too much on Christmas presents? Moses wanderin’ in the desert? Then, you tied it all up in a tidy knot by makin’ sure the parishioners donate to the school’s upcomin’ auction. Your speech was masterful and I, for one, am in awe of the way you brought up all them important topics at the same time.”
The old man wipes his glasses and beams at my praise. “Thank you, son. God bless you.”
Behind me, my wife tugs on my jacket. “C’mon, honey. My mom is waiting, and Mikey has to pee.”
“Copy that. Bye y’all.” I wave to the people in line to talk to the priest, put my mini-me on my shoulders, and whistle tunelessly while we walk to my in-laws’ house.
Once there, I set my boy on his great-grandmother’s lap, “Bongiourno, Nonna.”
“Sebastian,sono contento di vederti.”
“We’re happy to see you, too.” Sam kisses the old woman’s wrinkled cheek, then leads us into the dining room where Vincent sits next to a college-aged female. From her looks, I assume she’s another cousin I haven’t met.
Because they’re speaking in Italian, I stroll to the kitchen where my father-in-law, Captain Sutcliff, leans against the refrigerator.
Before I can back away, he blocks my exit. “Hell of a thing, getting shot.”
