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“Yes sir.” Based on experience, it’s best to agree with my wife’s father on all occasions.
“You think it’s time to find a new profession?” He says it like there’s all sorts of openings for people having my skill set so, I wing it.
“I was lookin’ into a course in accountin’ or maybe embalmin’. Death and taxes are two things you can count on in life.” Because I manage to keep a straight face, the man thinks I’m serious and for the first time ever, I have stunned him into silence.
“What are you two talking about?” Sam enters the already crowded kitchen and shoots me an inquisitive look.
Smiling, I wink. “Career changes.”
Vincent, who I didn’t notice entering, squeezes into the small space and points his unlit cigar at me. “If youz need a job, I got work.”
Excellent. Maybe I can ask Frankie-the-hitman for a few hints.
While I’m trying to formulate an appropriate response which won’t insult him, Saint Mia calls out from the dining room, “He’s going to be busy helping Sam with St. Thomas’ fund raiser.”
My mother-in-law, Donna, drops her spoon. “No. You didn’t.”
As it clatters in the delicate teacup, Marion gasps. Nonna wards off evil by making a circle in the air and the men cross themselves. Their reactions are far worse than the day Samantha announced she was gonna marry me. I ain’t never seen anything like it.
“Why would you do such a thing?” Sitting in the dining room, my wife’s mother uses a cloth napkin as a fan while her daughter rolls her eyes.
“Why volunteer? I don’t know. Maybe because Sister Mary Carol asked me to?”
Joey snickers. “Sheaxedme, and I said I was way too busy.”
“You could’ve warned me.” Sam throws a sweet roll at him.
Catching it midair, he takes a bite and talks with his mouth full. “You’re the former FBI agent. Figured you, of all people would know better.”
“She’s going to get excommunicated.” Marion wrings her hands and Rose kisses her cheek.
“Don’t worry, Momma, I’ll ask Nonna to write the pope.”
“Won’t they close the school without money?” When Joey’s second-grader tugs on her dad’s sleeve, Sam whistles shrilly through her teeth, shutting everyone up.
“Why do you guys think I’m about to fail? I got this. Jeesh!”
Figuring she’s about to have a meltdown, I take her arm and glance down at my phone. “Well, hell. How time flies when you’re having family fun. Nice seein’ y’all. We have another important date. Seems we got a rat in the wall to get rid of.”
Uncle Vincent chuckles. “I got a guy for that.”
“Thank you kindly, but we’ll take a rain check.” I race into the bedroom to find our coats, and Mia follows.
“I promised Mikey we’d bake cookies. How about you leave him here? Later, I’ll take him to the park and bring him home all tired out.”
“Thanks.” Sam kisses her cheek. “I read online the smell could arrest his emotional development and scar him for life.”
She giggles. “If it’s as bad as before, I don’t doubt it.”
After saying our goodbyes, Samantha and Idepart. On the doorstep, I pause. “You okay, sugar?”
My palm cups her face and as her long lashes lift, she shakes her head back and forth. “Oh my God, no. I had no idea the fund raiser was such a big deal.”
I press her against the building and kiss her until her eyes warm and her face says Sunday-sex. “Babe, I believe in you. You can do this. You’re a brilliant analyst.”
She swallows hard. “It’s a penny auction and breakfast with Santa. How bad could it be?”
“Don’t jinx it, sweetheart.” As Sam describes her ideas, I help her brainstorm, and by the time we reach our home, we both feel better.
