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She wished he hadn’t turned on the light. She always hid her thoughts better in the dark.
Jami forced out a breath, her hands finally listening enough so that she could sit up. “I’m fine. I want this.”
Malcolm reached for her, but hesitated before making contact.
Jami grabbed his hand, tugging on it until it connected with her skin. His fingers slid her hair behind her ear, and some of her tension eased when she only felt his touch and didn’t imagine another’s.
“What your mind wants and what your body wants don’t seem to be aligned,” Malcolm murmured. “There’s no pressure here, Jami. I’ve loved kissing you tonight.”
Jami shook her head against his hand. “I’m so stupid. I thought since it was you…” Her hand loosened and moved to her lap, where her fingers twisted together. “Maybe back then really was a dream. It’s never felt like that since.”
“Then we had the same dream,” Malcolm said, his fingers drifting through her hair.
She took a shuddering breath. “In your version, did I orgasm?” she asked. Her eyes widened. “Forget I asked.” She scrambled off the bed.
Malcolm’s hand caught hers, startling her. He released her again almost immediately, but she hovered in the doorway, scared to take another step away from him.
“You came three times that night, Jami,” Malcolm said, a huskiness in his voice that made her shiver. “It was the sexiest thing I ever experienced.” He rose from the bed, but didn’t reach for her. “You knew exactly what you wanted and went for it. That’s what made it so sexy.” His arms crossed, and he stepped away from her. “So we’ll wait, Jami. Until you’re certain.”
Her eyes squeezed shut. “I know what I want. I’m just scared.” She hated admitting it, but that was what twisted in the pit of her stomach. Fear. It hadn’t been there with Andrew. Oh, there’d been a tightness around her chest every time he pressed her down with his weight and pushed himself inside her. It hadn’t been fear, though. It had been self-hatred for letting him do it.
“The last thing I want is for you to be afraid of me, Jami.”
She blinked at him. “I’m not scared ofyou, Malcolm.”
He started to respond, but his lips pressed together. He moved to the wall to lean against it.
“I don’t think you’d hurt me. I’d never think that.” She bit her lip, shifting back to the bed again.
“Then what does scare you?”
“What if I can’t—” She stared down at her lap. “I’m different, Malcolm. I let that man use my body, again and again, and I didn’t sayanything.”
Her shoulders tensed as she waited, but silence followed the admission. Jami darted a glance toward him, expecting to see anger. Maybe not at her, but at Andrew. Instead, Malcolm’s gaze was steady, his face calm as he waited for her to continue.
She blew out a breath. “The first time surprised me. Skylar had already left, and I was having trouble with my dad. He was shouting and angry. He didn’t remember who I was, and I wondered at the time if Skylar was right, if my dad really wasn’t even there anymore.” It had only been two years, but she’d already been exhausted. No matter what she tried, two days would never run smoothly in a row. “He’d settled down by the time Andrew came over, but he’d scratched my arm pretty badly, and Andrew led me to my room to treat it. Only when we got there, he told me how strong I was for taking care of my dad.” Andrew had gathered up her hair to move it aside, his lips grazing her neck. She’d tensed, nerves skittering along her skin. “He called me mature and beautiful. I know, exactly what a nineteen-year-old wants to hear. And then he kissed me.”
She glanced at Malcolm again, but his eyes remained steady.
“As I said, it surprised me. I mean, he’d been my dad’s boss. He was a grown man, but he thought I was special. The kiss was awkward, though, and unending. I kept waiting for him to stop so I could catch up or take a breath. But he pushed me back on the bed and his hands unbuckled his pants. He was on me so quick. I don’t even think he undressed me, just bunched up my skirt and moved my panties aside and then—”
Her hands tightened on the edge of the bed.
“It hurt,” she whispered, closing her eyes again, but that somehow made the memory stronger, so she opened them. “I was surprised, because I thought, with my virginity gone—” She broke off again, swallowing. “When I’d imagined it, my first time hurt a little, but then it had felt really good. I mean, not my imagination, with you.” She looked at Malcolm. “Honestly, our time together had become something I’d convinced myself I’d made up in my mind. And when it didn’t get any better with Andrew, I told myself it was because I had still been a virgin. He finally broke the kiss, telling me how perfect I was over and over again. I blurted out that it hurt, but he didn’t stop. Before I could figure out what else to say, it was over.”
“He raped you, Jami,” Malcolm said. The anger she’d been expecting shimmered in the words, but his eyes remained gentle.
Jami shook her head. “I never told him to stop.” Her hands hurt where they squeezed against the bed. “He apologized afterward for wanting me too much, and told me the first time always hurt for a virgin, but it would get better.”
“How many times did it happen, Jami?” Malcolm asked.
She took a shuddering breath. “A car came for me a month later. And every month after that.” She closed her eyes. “He sent a nurse to take care of my dad every time, to give me a break. I’m the one that went to his house. I even undressed for him. He didn’t have to tell me why I was there. I knew, and I went.” Her breath caught in her throat on a sob. “I’m so stupid.”
“Not stupid,” Malcolm said. His weight jostled her on the bed when he sat beside her, and then she was in his arms.
Her own wrapped around him. She turned her face into his chest, letting his shirt catch her tears. “Why did I do it?” she gasped against him. That was the question that had scraped at her over all the years she’d lost. Sex with Andrew had never been good, but she got into that car every single time. “Why did I—” The sobs stole her words, and she clutched Malcolm’s shoulders. He held her close while she cried out all the confusion she’d been holding inside for so long.
Chapter 15
