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The bartender, however, found my words decidedly less amusing.
“Hey, lady, this isn’t that kind of place,” he scolded. “Tone it down or take that potty mouth somewhere else.”
As soon as the bartender was out of earshot, Luke and I both dissolved into laughter. Luke slapped the bar top and tears pooled in the corners of his eyes.
When I calmed down, I slammed back one of the shots. Luke raised an eyebrow.
“If I’m going to get kicked out of a bar, I’m getting my money’s worth,” I told him with a shrug. For kicks, I took down the other one too.
I immediately regretted it. It went right to my head. My tolerance wasn’t what it was in my early twenties.
Luke sighed and absentmindedly took another sip of his beer before pushing it toward me.
“I really missed out, didn’t I?” he asked with a hint of sadness in his voice.
“On what? Learning to drink? I promise you, it’s not as glamorous as you think,” I assured him. “Give me another two of these and I’ll think karaoke is a great idea.”
“No, I mean leaving home. Doing something with my life.Havinga life.”
“You’ve done something with your life,” I reminded him. “You run your father’s business. And you’re doing well.”
“Honestly, Elias is doing the books and Carter’s running a lot of the crews these days,” he responded with a shrug. “Mostly, I feel like I’m just in charge in name only.”
“Luke.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to wallow. Seeing you kind of makes me wonder what would’ve happened if Emmeline…”
I opened my mouth to say something, but quickly reconsidered it. What was there to say?If Emmeline hadn’t told you she was pregnant with your kid? If she wasn’t in the picture at all? If she hadn’t interrupted us that night and I got the chance to tell you that I loved you?
“Do you want to talk about it?” I finally asked after a way-too-long silence.
“Not really,” he answered. “It makes me look like a pretty shitty person.”
“You weren’t shitty. You did what you had to do. You stepped up and married your pregnant girlfriend. You got a job to support her and your kid,” I reminded him, a lump growing steadily in my throat. “You did right.”
“Maybe. But I didn’twantto do it,” he confessed.
“Luke.”
“I don’t know that I’ve said this out loud to anyone before, but everything I did with Emmeline and my dad’s business and… the baby…”
He swallowed hard and I knew this was hard for him to say. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I didn’t.
“I did it because I was obligated. God help me, the day of my wedding… as Emmeline walked down the aisle… I wanted to run,” he whispered.
“But you didn’t.”
“But I wanted to.”
“But youdidn’t,” I told him. “You did what you had to do. You have nothing to feel guilty about.”
He shook his head but let it go. For a second, it looked like he had something more to say, but he kept quiet. He grabbed his beer, but just stared at it. In that moment, he looked older. Like a man walking around harboring a ton of regret.
After a long moment of silence, Luke finally spoke.
“Are you in town for good?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure I’ll be around while Steph and Maya are planning the wedding.”
