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I could have torn up the paper or tossed it in the water, destroying it. Never letting it see the light of day.
But I didn’t. I sighed and unfolded the note, confronted with my messy penmanship and the angsty, overwrought confession of my feelings for Luke Kane.
I handed it back to him. And closed my eyes.
Twenty-Nine
Luke
Cindy handed me the note. I couldn’t believe it. She was really going to let me read it.
Finally.
It had been driving me crazy, just sitting there in my locked box, but I wasn’t going to look at it unless she let me. She looked away, like she was embarrassed, but I put my arm around her and made sure she knew how serious I was taking this. I knew this wasn’t just some note shoved in my locker.
This was her heart poured out on paper. I read the top line.
This note is to be read ONLY upon the death of Cynthia Lee Lawless.
There were a few skull and crossbones doodles underneath that opening, and I had to laugh.
In case I don’t return from duty alive, there are a few things that I want to say. I hope this will give some comfort to whoever is reading this.
To my mom and dad. I love you both and I thank you for providing for me this far. I know I wasn’t always the easiest kid, but I love you for supporting me and encouraging me to do this.
To Stephanie. You’re my best friend and I love you. You’re my rock and I never would have gotten this far in life if not for you. Keep your head held high and stay out of trouble. I promise to come back to you and be there for your college graduation, your wedding, and all the big life events. But if I can’t, know that I’m always there for you. Also, you’re the one who gets all my stuff, so lucky you.
And finally, to Luke Kane. I’ve always been too chicken shit to say this out loud, and I really hope I’ll be brave enough to tell you before I get on that plane. I love you, Luke. Like, I’m in love with you. I have been for a really long time now. I actually can’t remember a time when I wasn’t in love with you. Fuck, I hope you never have to read this because I sound crazy. But I don’t think I’m ever going to feel this way about anyone else. You’re the only one, Luke. You’ve had my heart since freshman year, and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back.
She signed the note at the bottom, and I recognized the signature as the one she’d use to forge her mom’s name on her report cards. I held the note in my hands, feeling like eighteen-year-old Cindy had just handed me her heart.
But, instead, twenty-eight-year-old Cindy was looking back at me, terrified.
“Oh my God. Say something already,” she begged. “I know it’s bad. I should just give up now and write angsty song lyrics for an emo band.” She took the Death Note back from me. “Let’s just burn this motherfucker right now and get it over with.”
I stopped her, taking the note back and refolding it.
“No, come on. I like it,” I told her. “I want to keep it.”
“You want to keep evidence that I was pathetically in love with you and almost wrote you an epic poem before I left for boot camp?”
“I want to keep this because it’s the first time you ever told me you love me,” I whispered. I didn’t smirk. I didn’t smile. I wanted her to know that I was serious about how much this little note meant to me. “I wish you’d given it to me before you left. I wish a lot of things had been different. But I’d really like to keep it now. If it’s okay with you.”
“It’s… it’s okay,” she said softly.
I rummaged through my pocket for the key.
“I have something I want to give to you too,” I told her.
I found the key and took her hand in mine, laying it out across her palm.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“It’s a key to my apartment. I figured you might like to come and go as you please,” I started. “Maybe come by and hang out if living with Andy is getting on your nerves. Maybe you could leave a few things at my place.”
I took a deep breath and met her eyes.
“Maybe all your things,” I wondered. I didn’t break eye contact. I wanted her to see what I was asking. It took a few seconds, but she understood.
