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He closed his eyes for a moment.
“What do you want?” I whispered.
“You aren’t the only one who’s devastated—”
“Fuck you.” I turned away, getting some distance between us, getting that goddamn smell out of my nose. “Get out of my house.”
“I mean it—”
“If you meant it, we would be together right now. You’d be on your fucking knees, begging me to take you back.” I kept my back to him. “But you’re here because…you didn’t likethe way we ended things.” I rolled my eyes, holding on to my anger so it would keep the tears at bay.
“I don’t want to end up like my brother.”
It was such an unexpected thing to say that I turned to look at him, unsure what that meant or why he’d said it.
“I know how he feels about Camille, but he’s fucked her over too many times. Maybe they’ll work it out, but it’ll probably never be the same. That trust is irrevocably broken. I don’t want to end up like that…with you.”
My arms tightened over my chest, and I tried to read his features like words. “What does that mean?”
A long, hard stare ensued. He studied my face with shifting eyes, considering the words that formed in his head before he said them. “I only do monogamy if I’m in love—and I’m in love with you.”
My fingers dug into my arms, letting those words bounce off my invisible armor. He may have said the words I wanted to hear, but that didn’t mean he would give me what I wanted. “If that were true, you wouldn’t have dumped me.”
“My feelings don’t change our situation. You’re a single mother to two kids, and I’m not looking to be a stepfather. Saying it back wouldn’t have helped the situation. Saying it first…wouldn’t have helped either.”
“Then what’s the point of saying it now?”
He gave a slight shake of his head. “I couldn’t let you think I didn’t love you. Couldn’t let you think that our time together meant nothing to me. Didn’t want you to think I’d just moved on without a second thought. I sleep alone every night and think of you.”
“If that’s true, why can’t we make this work?”
He looked down at the floor for a while. “It gets complicated the second kids are involved. Honestly, would you even want me around them? Camille was just kidnapped because of me. You know how I earn my money. What kind of mother would ever want an asshole like me near her children?” His eyes narrowed on my face, full of accusation.
“There’s a lot more to you than that…”
“An association with me is dangerous, Elise.”
“Then walk away. Leave it all behind.”
He released a deep breath, his nostrils flaring. “My life’s work?”
“It’s just work, Grave. I don’t know how much money you have, but I don’t think you need that either.”
“I don’t know shit about kids…”
“You think I do?” I asked with a painful laugh. “It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. Every time they hit a new age, I have to head back to the drawing board and start over. You just do the best you can and love them along the way.”
He looked away again.
“Grave, I never asked you to be their stepfather. I never asked you for anything. I just wanted you to know how I feel about you…because I couldn’t keep it in any longer. We can be together in private, like we’ve been doing this entire time. Nothing needs to change. I just want to be able to say how I feel when I feel it.”
“But it does need to change.” He looked at me again. “Because I want to have this experience with someone and not step into the middle of it. I want it from the beginning. I want to be there when my child is born. I want to take care of them in the middle of the night when you’re too tired. I want someone to carry on my name when I’m gone. I can’t wait ten years to start that process, so there is no other option.”
“But we don’t need to do that right this second. Whenever you’re ready.”
“Like I already said, I don’t want to be a stepfather.”
“Then don’t be a stepfather,” I said. “You can be their friend. Nothing wrong with that.”
