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He cocked an eyebrow at me. “And what does that mean?”
I sighed. “It’s enduring the scary stuff that makes us who we are.”
A proud smile washed over his face. “Exactly. And you’re my daughter,” he reminded me. “You’re a McKinney. We’re as tough as they come, Sawyer. There isn’t anything you can’t do.”
This was how it always was between my dad and me. I was going to be heading into my freshman year in high school after the summer was over, and it was safe to say that I’d always been a bit shy and reserved. It took pep talks from my dad to get me to step outside of my shell. Over the years, I started becoming more and more like the woman I wanted to be, and I knew I was a girl my father would be proud of.
But there was a difference between being brave enough to do things I’d never dream of doing and having the strength to not break down when my father was deploying, heading over to Afghanistan. He’d done it before, and while I was aware of him ‘being a soldier’ and not being around, I don’t think it was until we got word of this deployment that I fully grasped the severity of it all.
I couldn’t quite work out whether I was feeling so differently about this deployment because I finally understood the full scope of just how dangerous it was or if it was because this time was actually different. I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that this conversation would be one of the last heart-to-hearts we ever had. My father had taught me to trust my gut instincts, so it was painfully difficult to ignore that feeling. As much as I refused to tell him what I felt about that, I couldn’t say nothing at all.
“I’d be lost if you weren’t here,” I told him.
“Sawyer, listen to me,” he started, his voice firm but oddly comforting. “You and your mother are the most important people in my life. I will fight like hell to get back to the both of you. But if things don’t go as planned, if my time is up, I’ll still always be here with you.”
Tears filled my eyes, and my throat became painfully tight. There wasn’t a chance I’d be able to speak.
Fortunately, my dad knew I was struggling and didn’t wait for a response. Instead, he declared, “I need you to make me a promise.”
Curious, I managed to rasp, “A promise?”
He nodded. “If the absolute worst happens, you need to promise me you’re going to be the girl I know you are. You need to do the tough stuff without being able to get a pep talk from me. You need to push boundaries and be daring. Be brave enough to tackle what seems impossible, because the greatest rewards will come from facing those challenges. I want you to go after all the things you want in this life. My greatest wish is that you’ll live the fullest life possible. I want you to be joyful. I want laughter to fill your days, and I want love to fill your heart.”
My emotions consumed me as tears spilled down my cheeks. Hearing his words, I had to wonder if he already knew what I was feeling. Or, worse, did he have that same dread consuming him?
It seemed impossible.
My father was the epitome of positivity and determination. He couldn’t be afraid. He was never scared.
But maybe he was just really good at hiding the truth. Maybe he was just as terrified about what could happen.
When I remained quiet for far too long after he’d finished speaking, he pleaded, “Promise me, Sawyer. Promise me that you’ll be the bold and brave girl I know you are.”
Unable to stop myself, I threw my arms over his shoulders and hugged him as tightly as I could. Then I whispered, “I promise.”
His arms came around my body and tightened as I committed the feeling of his embrace to memory.
Unfortunately, despite believing I’d never forget it, when my mom and I learned only a few months later that my father would never be coming home to hug me again, I somehow couldn’t remember what it felt like to be in his arms.
It nearly destroyed me.
One year later
“There’s no way I’m doing that!”
I couldn’t stop myself from smiling at the utter determination on my best friend’s face. Her voice was filled with fear as she stared at the bottles in front of us.
“Come on, Faye, it’s going to be fun,” I assured her.
Judging by the look on her face a moment later, it was clear Faye did not think this was going to be fun at all. “You’re not serious,” she deadpanned. “What could I possibly find entertaining about burning the shit out of my mouth?”
I rolled my eyes as our two other friends, Janelle and Cristina, laughed. “You’re being dramatic,” I declared.
“And you’re being entirely too adventurous for me,” she argued.
My eyes shifted to Janelle and Cristina. They both shrugged, but it was Janelle who reasoned, “She’s kind of got a point.”
I stared at them in disbelief. “It’s hot sauce. I’m not asking her to scale Mount Everest,” I fired back.
