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I mean, I did at first try to deny that I was there for sex by telling him it was a mistake, but let’s forget about that for a minute.
And God, the sex had been amazing, even better than the first time if possible.
It scared me as much as it elated me.
Because being with him did something to me. Something I couldn’t explain, but it was somehow freeing.
“Whew.” I glanced at the rearview mirror to see if I looked any different at all. Because I sure felt different than the girl who’d moved here weeks ago.
I grinned at myself in the mirror when I noticed the oil smears on my chin and wrapping around my neck.
Jesus.
I should have been scandalized, but I wasn’t.
But I felt my smile fall as my eyes landed on the chain hanging from the rearview mirror. Andy’s chain. It had been here since before he’d passed and I’d never moved them. His dog tags from the military.
I felt like I was going to throw up. It was the same chain and tags that I’d felt beneath my stranger’s shirt.
I was dizzy. I stepped out of the truck for some fresh air because I felt like I was going to pass out.
I walked in the grass on the side of the country road, taking big, gulping breaths.
Still, I was transported back to the day Andy had left for the last time. Me and Parker standing on the porch, tears hanging in our eyes, arms clasped around each other.
And then three months later when two men had shown up on my porch in the middle of the night with a death notification.
No. Not that.
Anything but that.
No, we were never doing that again.
I fell to my knees in the grass, sweating. Willing myself not to vomit to no avail. I threw up until there was nothing left in my stomach. Until my sides hurt, my throat ached, and sweat poured off my brow.
I climbed my pathetic ass back in the truck and turned on the air conditioning, feeling like I’d been washed and hung out to dry.
I could never see that man again. Ever. It was too dangerous.
My phone pinged from the console of the truck and I picked it up, seeing a message from Parker. I looked at it through tear-filled eyes.
Parker: Happy Anniversary, Mom
Oh, God. I was going to throw up again. I looked at the date on my phone. Sure enough, it was Andrew’s and my wedding anniversary. The tears in my eyes spilled over and onto my cheeks. It all made sense. The off feeling I’d felt all morning. It was our day. Our special day and I’d forgotten, but my subconscious hadn’t.
And then like a fool I’d come here.
I’d been right when I’d arrived. This whole thing had been a mistake.
The dog tags around my stranger’s neck.
Almost leaving my sweet husband’s hat. It was too much.
I laid my head against the big steering wheel and sobbed.
“Happy Anniversary, Andy,” I wept.
Would this grief never end?
