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I’d driven until my old body was tired and sore, and instead of going home where I should have gone, I’d decided to visit Annie, but I’d had to stop at the local convenience store beforehand because I never visited her without bringing her favorite drink.
I parked my bike and walked to her grave on heavy feet. Fuck me, I had one love in the ground and one avoiding me like the plague.
Love sucked. And still, it seemed like I was fighting tooth and nail to keep it.
I walked toward Annie’s grave, cracking open her Dr Pepper as I arrived. I sat in front of her headstone and laid her soda between us like I always did.
For some reason, it didn’t pain me as much to visit her today. I knew I’d always miss her. I’d always love her. But it felt like I was coping better with all of that.
And maybe I owed that to Emily’s stubborn ass.
The woman made me furious. So mad I’d almost said something I’d never once said to a woman in my life. I want to simultaneously strangle her and kiss her so hard she’d never look at another man for the rest of her life.
God, I thought maybe she’d shown up at the station to talk things over, figure things out. I should have known it wasn’t about that as soon as I’d seen that old Atlanta Braves hat she wore every time she was sad or upset. The same one I’d seen her dead husband wear in many of the pictures throughout her house.
She’d come in wearing that hat like damn armor and wielding her words like a sword.
Those words had cut me to the quick.
“Hello, beautiful,” I said to that picture on the headstone that didn’t even do my wife justice.
She’d been a knockout and so damn kind, too. I never in a million years thought I’d meet someone I would love even half as much as I loved her.
I’d been so dumb and wrong.
It had snuck up on me. My love for her. It hadn’t bum rushed me the way it had with Annie. It had started out small and then before I knew it, I was burning up with it. My love for her.
The deal was sealed when she’d walked into the station. I’d missed her so much, I couldn’t stand it. I had known then, I was a goner.
I raised my jeaned knees and rested my arms on them. “I met someone, Annie,” I whispered the words, getting to the gist of the visit, afraid saying them would make Emily dissolve into a puff of smoke. That was how terrified I was of losing her. “She’s gorgeous and kind and such a good mom. You would love her.”
My eyes burned with emotion. “You said I’d meet someone else. I know you wanted that for me, but I could never imagine it at the time.”
I huffed out a laugh. “You always did have to be right. Even in death, I guess. Even Momma likes her. Isn’t that crazy?”
I picked at some of the grass around me on the ground. “She’s mad at me right now,” I said, staring at my wife’s face, thinking of how she’d roll her eyes at me. “I know, I know. I fucked up, but I’m gonna fix it, ya know?
“Because being with her is, uh, God, how do I describe it? It’s salubrious. Do you remember that word, honey? It’s another one of those words from that book we took camping. It means healthy or health-giving.”
I leaned forward, rubbing some dust off her headstone. “That’s the best way I can think to describe it, Annie. Because I didn’t realize I hadn’t been living since you passed until I met her. She makes me want to get up every day. She makes me want to try again,” I whispered to my wife. “She makes me want to live.”
I thought of the days right after I’d lost Annie, how awful it had felt. How I’d wanted to nosedive right into that grave with her the day of her funeral.
I realized now that I’d never fully recovered from that. Hell, I didn’t think people ever really recovered at all from that kind of pain and grief. But I was learning to live with it now.
“She has the coolest fucking kid,” I kept on. “She’s smart and quirky and wears the craziest damn shit you have ever seen. But she’s herself and she doesn’t give a shit what anyone thinks.” I smiled. “Her name’s Parker and she has the biggest heart. Man, you’d love her.
“She and Emily have a small family, but their love is so damn big, Annie. One second in their presence and you can feel it all around you. It’s almost suffocating. But like in a good way.”
I bit my lip and a tear slipped from my burning eye and down my face. “I want that. I want to be a part of that more than anything. Could you imagine? Me? Someone’s dad? Someone’s husband again?”
I stared down at her face smiling back at me.
I nodded. “I know, I know you could, darlin’.
“Emily just needs time. She’s running scared, but I’m hoping like hell she comes to her senses soon. I sure do fucking miss her.” My voice caught and I swallowed hard.
“I can wait, though,” I said, running a finger over my wife’s face. “I’m good at waiting, ain’t I, baby?”
