AllFreeNovel
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We can figure this out. I keep telling myself that, over and over. If this had happened to me a few weeks back, I’d be a blubbering mess on the floor begging Peter to send me away. But now, I’m keeping my back straight and my shoulders squared, and I’m trusting in myself for the first time in a while.
We can do this. I’ve never been an optimist before but being with Peter brings out the hopeful in me, and I want to believe that the three of us can solve this problem. I lean closer and press my forehead between his shoulder blades and feel his warmth, and slowly he turns around to look into my eyes.
“Agapi mou,” he whispers and tilts my chin up. “I’m stuck in this mess. But you—”
“Don’t.”
“You don’t have to be.” He looks like he’s being stabbed in the chest as he says it. “You can go.”
“Peter, stop.”
“You’ll be safe. Get on a plane and fly back to the States. Kacia and Luca will watch over you until you’re ready.”
“Ready forwhat?”
He smiles sadly. “To live. That’s all I want for you.”
“Stop it.” I take his hand between both of mine and lift his knuckles to my lips. I kiss them and press them tight to my mouth, lingering on his skin, his taste, the rough calluses at the tips of his fingers. I love these hands more than anything in the world and as I focus on his eyes, on his handsome face, on the pain etched on every surface on his mouth and his cheeks, I know it’s not the hands—it’s him.
It’s all of him and it’s what he’s done for me.
I don’t even know if he realizes.
But he woke me up to the world.
Even before the Russians and all that trauma, I was stumbling through my life, staggering around like a drunk blindly lurching from one thing to the next without any sense of what might make me happy. It was like whatever I heard was good enough—the jobs, the clothes, the comfort. Starbucks, a good dinner out, laughter with friends—that was enough. I never wanted more.
I think that’s why I denied myself the money. I knew, deep down, that accepting my trust fund and being just another rich girl would damn me to mediocrity. All that money would ruin me; it would make things much too easy. I knew even then that I was walking on the edge, and I’m not sure I ever would’ve stepped away and into myself, at least until now.
Until Peter.
Those things are good. I crave all those things—god, especially Starbucks, and comfort, and money—but I never knew I could want something more than that. I never knew therewasmore.
Fighting with Peter. His fists, his grunts, his lips. Pain and the exquisite pleasure that follows. I could go back to my old world and feel a pleasant numbness, a nice, middling comfort, or I can stay with him and feel the full range of life. Pleasure and pain in excess and everything in between. Anger and joy and sorrow and happiness and excitement and lust, so fucking much lust.
He gave all that to me. He brought me back from the brink of the black inky ocean and made me breathe.
“Why do you do this to me, little killer?” he asks and the struggle in his voice nearly breaks me.
I kiss his hand and press it to my cheek again. “Because I need you to understand that I’m not going anywhere. I’ve been thinking about something. Do you remember what you said? When we were fighting?”
“I said a lot of things.” He smiles slightly. “About your terrible form. Your weak punches. Your lovely little—”
“You said you’re proud of me because I get back up. Even when I get punched in the face, I still get back up. Did you mean it?”
“There’s a difference between being punched in the face and shot in the head. One’s very permanent.”
“But did you mean it?”
He lets out a slow, strangled breath, and nods. “Yes. I meant it. I’m so proud of all the progress you’ve made.”
“Then I’m staying. I’m not staying on the ground anymore, Peter. I’m getting back on my feet, holding my chin high, and solving this fucking problem by your side. Do you hear me?”
He shakes his head slowly. “Adrienne, please. If things get bad, I need to know there’s an escape plan for you. I don’t know how I can keep going forward otherwise.”
“Will that really help?”
“Yes, it really will. I need to know that if things get worse, you’ll climb on a plane and leave. I have to know you’ll be safe no matter what happens.”
