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“Then you need to find some way to communicate how you’re feeling with her.”
I nod, leaning forward and bracing my elbows on my knees.
“I don’t mean to dictate what we talk about here, but I was under the impression that you wanted to discuss panic attacks that you were experiencing?”
“I do. I’ve had four of them so far.”
He nods and I look away from him. It’s harder to talk about this than I thought it would be.
“Are they triggered by something?” he asks quietly and I shrug.
“The first one was when I was told that I could leave the VA hospital and then the second one was the day before I left.”
“And the others?”
“The third one was at the market here in town. Some kids set off fireworks or something and I just felt like I couldn’t breathe. Then we were at a restaurant and I could feel everyone staring at me and I don’t know, the world just started to narrow.”
“You were in the military, right?”
“Yeah.”
“So, am I clear in understanding that all of the panic attacks were triggered by something having to do with your time in the military and whatever brought you here?”
“Yeah,” I say, my throat starting to feel tight and scratchy.
“Do you want to talk about your time in the military today?”
“No,” I answer right away.
“What about your time at the VA hospital?”
“What do you want to know?”
“Did you have friends that were there too?”
“Some, but they were more like people that I knew, not close friends.”
“Was it hard to be there?”
“Yeah, of course it was. I had to learn to use the left side of my body all over again.”
“I meant more emotionally. Was it hard to be there, surrounded by other wounded veterans?”
I shrug. I never really thought about it, but yeah. Being there was kind of… depressing. Everyone was injured, some people were all alone, no guests or visitors ever came to see them.
“Yeah, I didn’t like it there.”
“And yet you still felt some kind of distress at the thought of leaving there. Why do you think that was?”
“Because it meant that my life, my career in the military, was over.”
“And you had to start over, to learn a whole new path.”
I nod and he gives me a patient smile.
I lean back against the couch, thinking about everything that we’ve talked about so far.
“Our time is up, but if you’re open to it, I’d like to see you again next week.”
