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Betrayal had built walls around his heart for ages, and Ajmal’s act only emphasized his unwillingness to trust. For the first time, he felt more than a physical pleasure being with a woman. He felt a genuine connection … as if his soul had truly opened to her.
Relationships, in his mind, were transactional. Everyone wanted something from him; every action required some sort of trade. She didn’t want anything from him, and that thought only made him more skeptical.
He got out of bed and walked to the hotel window, staring at the city. The lights twinkled and flashed as he thought of her eyes. She had a sparkle in them during their lovemaking that he had never seen in another human.
He rubbed the back of his head and placed his hands on his hips. He wondered what she must be thinking due to the way he left. He never wanted to hurt her; he had just shut down. Avoidance was his tactic for anything relationship-oriented, and he had to decide to change.
He realized he couldn’t wait any longer; she needed to know how he felt, and he couldn’t risk her thinking she was some one-night stand or just another notch on his bedpost.
He quickly dressed as his heart began to race. He put his hand on the hotel doorknob and deeply breathed before venturing to the hallway.
He walked past a few rooms before seeing the number 321, her hotel room. He stared at it and froze, wondering if the numbers had any significant meaning, if it was a sign from something mystical, whether he should go for it or not.
He raised his hand and stopped before it touched the door. He turned and paced back and forth, trying to get his words together. He practiced a speech in his head, highlighting her attributes and explaining why it was so uncomfortable for him to open up to another person.
The way they laughed after they climaxed made him smile. He had never smiled or laughed during sex before; it was always a physical act. The aftermath was usually awkward, or there was none due to him leaving quickly.
Breathing deeply, he turned and knocked on the door, shocked at his quickness to act. He wondered if he had made the wrong decision, and part of him prayed she would be asleep.
Before he could rethink his decision and return to his room, she opened the door. It was clear she had been awake for some time, and he wondered if she couldn’t sleep for the same reasons as him.
“Hi,” he said bashfully.
“Hey,” she said, a certain coldness coming over her.
His heart sank as he realized the way he left had hurt her. “Can I come in?” he asked cautiously.
She nodded and let him in. He walked in quickly and listened as she shut the door behind him. He whipped around and held his hands to the sides, looking at the ceiling and searching for the right words.
“I’ve never been great at …” he paused, “connection. I, um …”
She raised her eyebrows curiously.
“Okay,” he continued. “I have always felt more out of place, you know? Like I’m floating, everyone else is grounded like they got some secret to life that I didn’t.”
“Hammer,” she said firmly. “What are you talking about?”
He breathed in and held it before exhaling slowly. “I, just …” He glanced at the bathroom and noticed a towel on the floor. “Wanted to make sure you have enough towels.”
“Towels?” Charlie said slowly and skeptically.
Hammer gulped, shoving down his nervous energy. “Yes, I heard there was some sort of shortage.” He chuckled and crossed his arms, a typical defensive stance he had taken for years when faced with vulnerability.
“Yeah,” she responded slowly. “I have towels. What does that have to do with …”
“Oh,” Hammer cut her off, waving a hand. “That was just some jabber.”
The look in her eyes said she knew something was wrong with him. He was terrible with lying when it came to strong emotions; he had just never figured it out until that moment.
“Okay,” he confessed. “No, that wasn’t the real reason I came here.”
Charlie sat on the bed and crossed her legs. “What is it then?”
He glanced at her and sighed. “My whole life, I …”
He locked eyes with her, and his heart sank. The consequences of confession could very well lead to one of them having a broken heart. He knew he could handle it, and although it would sting, his heart broke at the thought of hurting her by getting deeper into this situation.
“I’m sorry,” he said, defeated. “I’m just tired.”
