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“To Morgana’s room. Once. I ended up in the bathroom while she was in the shower. My power has a lousy sense of direction.”
“And what about your schoolwork? Are you staying on top of it? The last thing we need is for you to get kicked out for a bad GPA.”
I gave him a smile. “Morgana has been doing half my homework so I can read and train, but I’m not sure if the books you gave me are helping.”
One book called The Shifting of Intentions: The Basics of Elementary Pairing, had explained the mechanics of interdimensional travel, even citing Sidhe royalty as exceptional examples of the phenomenon. But the book was neither as ‘basic’ nor ‘elementary’ as the title claimed. My head hurt trying to comprehend the fundamentals. The theory was very Matrix-like: there is no spoon. It was only my own imagination and self-doubt that was holding me back. It was as simple as believing I should be able to step across the divide and ending up exactly where I meant to be. Easy, right?
Um, not exactly. Not when you’d been brought up to believe you needed potions and a lot of training to even reach psychically across the divide. How was I supposed to believe that I could part reality like a curtain and step into a whole new world? A world I’d only ever visited in passing through Oleander’s shortcut. I was a kid. An inexperienced kid who wasn’t getting the education she deserved because prejudiced witches hated the guy she was ‘dating’.
And that was an even bigger joke because I wasn’t sure I even was dating Rook. After our little fling in front of the storage closet, there hadn’t been any others and though we were working together, he wasn’t exactly forthcoming regarding his feelings for me. So, really there wasn’t much of a relationship as far as I could tell. Yet everyone else seemed to believe there was—something which bugged me to no end.
“You’ve already done this,” Oleander said. “It’s instinctual. You wanted to get to that closet, so you stepped through Faerie to get to that closet. If you want to step into Morgana or Rook’s rooms, just do it. Don’t think about it.”
“You can’t tell me not to think about it! That’s like telling me not to picture a pink elephant! When you tell me not to do something, my brain focuses on it. It’s a catch-22.”
He sighed. I had a feeling that Oleander wasn’t really cut out for teaching. “I think I know what the block is.”
“Do you?”
“Maybe.”
“Well,” I continued, wrapping my arms against my chest to show him how annoyed I was. “Go on and enlighten me. I’m all ears.”
Oleander gave me a stern look. “You’re scared.”
“Well yeah, I’m scared!” I answered, throwing my hands up. “There’s a lot hinging on this! I have to get it right.”
“You’re not scared of that,” Oleander said. “You’re scared of them. You don’t really want to see Morgana or Rook.”
“I do too!”
“No, you don’t,” he said, cutting me off before I could protest further. “I know Morgana. She’s been teasing you about Rook whenever she can work it into the conversation. She might be tolerable, but she’s still a Grimsbane. There’s a witchy part of her that thrives on misery, and you’re giving her the reaction she wants. And with Rook... well, I think you’re scared to be alone with him.”
“We’re technically supposed to be dating,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest. “I wouldn’t date a man I’m scared of.”
Oleander shrugged. “Yes and no. I don’t think you’re scared of him, per se. You’re scared of how he makes you feel. You’re smitten, and I think you’re afraid of having your heart broken. He’s older than you, has more experience than you, and he doesn’t like witches. You’re afraid at some point he’ll want to leave, and then where would you be? Ostracized for no reason.”
I averted my gaze. Oleander had perfectly articulated every late-night doubt I’d ever had regarding the frustrating vampire. How the spell could I know any of this stuff with Rook was genuine? He’d hated me at first, only to turn on a dime after he’d felt me up and learned what I could do for him. We were dating to keep up appearances, so it wouldn’t look suspicious when we went to the dance together. Would he have asked me out on his own though, without the ticking clock forcing his hand? I wasn’t sure. There’d been something electric between us from the start, but I wasn’t certain what this was on his end.
“What is this?” I muttered. “An episode of Oprah? I came here to train, not talk about my feelings.”
“Your feelings are the problem, Astrid,” he said. “You have to get out of your own head.”
“Easy for you to say. No one is giving you shit for dating Morgana. Do you know the helping of goblin dung I have to deal with every day? And I don’t even know if Rook actually likes me or if he’s just playing a part. Maybe he just wants someone who can help him escape and keep his bed warm at night. You heard Morgana. He hasn’t had sex in centuries, and I... well I obviously like him. He could be taking advantage of that.”
“I don’t know that taking advantage of you is Rook’s style.”
“Well, he didn’t want me on board until he knew what I could do for him. We don’t get to see each other often, so whatever this is between us doesn’t even feel real. What if it’s all just… an act for him?”
Oleander rolled his eyes. “Oh, please. I see the way he looks at you. The only reason he kept you at arm’s length for so long was that exact reason.”
“What reason?”
“That he likes you. It hurts his stupid, undead pride to know he could want a witch. He’s supposed to hate you, and he doesn’t. He hasn’t been able to, even from the beginning. Don’t look at what he says, Astrid, look at what he does.”
“What he does?”
“Yeah, name everything and anything he’s done while you’re around.”
