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“I see you begin to understand me. Unless you take steps to prevent it, and there is no guarantee, you will have a child every year or two. Because of this, I would understand if you chose to never marry. Children take a great deal of your time and bearing a child is a difficult business, even with your gift. You would be severely restricted in your movements, and your finances would be constrained.
“A wealthy man could handle the expense, but it is something to consider if you wish to marry a physician or a man with little money. Now, as you know, you are my heir, and that will help with the expenses, but a large family will limit other things you wish to do. If you lived in Town, you would be bursting out of your house within a few short years.”
“You are giving me much to think about.”
“I am not trying to sway you either way. I simply want you to consider all the options. You know I do not hold with the notion that a woman without a husband is a stain on society. For the most part, husbands are an unnecessary inconvenience. Though they do provide children, and that has been my one regret. I would have liked to have a child, but it was not to be.” She sighed and sat up a little straighter. “But I have you and Jane, and that is nearly the same thing.”
I laughed.
“Now, I want you to consider whether or not you would like to be a mother. And whether or not you actually want a husband, or if that is simply what you were raised to expect. If you find you do want both of those things, I do not think Mr. Darcy would be a bad candidate. I daresay he would make a fine husband, but someone like you might challenge him more than he is comfortable with.”
“What do you mean?”
“You are a spirited young lady. I imagine he is drawn to that, so he clearly likes a woman with her own mind.”
I remembered how Mr. Darcy seemed to enjoy being teased and nodded. “I think he does.”
“That does not necessarily extend to having a wife more powerful than he is. He may be jealous, or find it irritating that he does not understand your gift and how you use it.”
I nodded slowly. “I had not thought of it like that before.”
“He is a clever man, one used to having the answers and being the one others come to for advice and assistance. It will be a change for him to have a wife who is equally sought after and not beneath him, as he was probably raised to expect.”
“Do you think he wishes for a wife who is beneath him?”
“I doubt that he knows he does, but most men do. They may want a wife who is socially their equal, or even above them, but by the very nature of her being female, he will feel she is beneath him. He will think himself more intelligent, better educated, and more worldly. Of course he will not consider that women are barred from universities and the halls of government.”
“Aunt! I had not known you were a bluestocking!”
“And proud of it!” she said with a grin.
I laughed merrily. “I understand you. Mr. Darcy may not be able to handle me. The more I think on what you have said, the more I think many men would not. Although…”
“Although what?”
“Colonel Fitzwilliam did not seem to mind my power at all. In fact, he was rather impressed by it.”
She raised her brows. “Are you attracted to the colonel?”
“Not particularly, but he is an amiable man. If I tried, I imagine I could learn to love him. I like him a great deal already, but my head has been full of Mr. Darcy. Colonel Fitzwilliam never had a chance.”
She looked thoughtful. “I wonder what would have happened had you met the colonel first?”
“We will never know. It would probably be unseemly to consider the colonel after courting his cousin, would it not?”
“Perhaps. But I ceased caring about what society though of me some time ago. That is why I am so happy.” She smiled broadly and I could not help but return it.
“As much as I would like to simply say I choose the colonel, my heart is drawn to Mr. Darcy. I fear it will be some time before I can consider another man.”
“Understandable. Have you decided you will not give Mr. Darcy another chance then?”
I slumped back in my seat, a terribly unladylike thing to do at the breakfast table. “I do not know. In this moment, my heart would like to, but my head tells me it would be foolhardy, and I would spend my life crying over him. I do not wish to live that way.”
“You are the one who has to live with your decision, Elizabeth. Take your time in making it.”
I nodded, feeling more conflicted than ever.
The next day, after a full afternoon and night of mulling over impossible decisions, Colonel Fitzwilliam came to call.
