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Decker sucked in a breath as he got to the end of the page. He met Chloe's gaze.
"Do you want to keep going?" she asked.
"I don't think I can stop now." He turned the page.
It's been six weeks since Ryan and Decker arrived, and two weeks since they left. I thought maybe things would change so I couldn't bring myself to write about any of it before now. But I've become resigned to a terrible truth that I may never see them again.
The trip was a disaster. I wanted to make things better. I wanted to heal the family, but I made everything worse.
The beginning of the visit was great. I got to spend time with Ryan and Decker. We went to the beach and played games in the cabin, but my favorite outing was when I took Decker on the train. His eyes lit up with delight. It reminded me of the time that Ryan had brought his pregnant girlfriend, Kelly, to meet us. They'd ridden the train a half-dozen times because she loved it so much.
Ryan didn't go with me and Decker on the train. I think it made him sad, reminding him of Kelly.
After that day, everything went downhill. I had to tell Hank that Ryan was in town. Hank was livid that I'd invited Ryan and Decker to visit. I said he needed to talk to Ryan, that Ryan is his son, but there is so much anger between them. And the sad thing is that Hank is angrier with himself for being a terrible father than he is with Ryan. He just can't admit that. But he knows he let Ryan down, that his son grew up without a father, that whatever trouble Ryan got himself into was probably because he didn't have a father figure in his life. If Hank acknowledged that, he'd have to admit that Ryan's shortcomings are his fault.
I don't think Ryan is a stupid kid. He just made a mistake—a big one, yes. But he tried to do right by his girlfriend, by his child.
And now poor Ryan has suffered the loss of Kelly and another rejection from his biological father. He's in so much pain it almost hurts to look at him. I can see it roll off him in big waves. I want to help. I've sent him money before, but when he left this time, he said he didn't want anything more from me. I'm going to keep trying to reach him. I don't want Ryan and Decker to be alone in the world. I just hope someday Ryan will come back.
Hank decided against pursuing custody, which is the only good thing that came out of Ryan's visit. He said he doesn't want to talk anymore about Ryan or Decker. He's in pain, too. But his is self-inflicted. And sometimes I wonder how I can love a man and hate him at the same time.
Ryan and Decker are our family. I love them, even though I don't share their blood. I pray that one day they'll know that.
Eleanor's words were breaking his heart. He drew in a deep breath as he looked up from the journal.
"Eleanor really loved you," Chloe said.
"It seems so. I remember the night we left. We were at her house, I think. My dad was screaming at an older man. I didn't know what they were talking about, but it scared me. Ellie was playing with me in another room. She kept telling me everything was okay. They just had a disagreement. Then my dad came in, grabbed my hand, and pulled me from the house. He put me in the car and told me to look at the setting sun on the horizon. He said that's where we were going. We would have an amazing adventure and I didn't need to look back, because everything important was in front of us." He felt a knot come into his throat. "He did his best to give me that adventure."
Chloe dabbed at her eyes. "He sounds like a wonderful father, and he loved you, Decker. So did Ellie. Is there anything else in the journal?"
He turned the page. "The date from the next entry is four years later."
It's been a while since I've written. I wish I had something good to write about. The last several years have been incredibly difficult.
I've never heard from Ryan, not since he left four years ago. I can't believe that Decker is ten now. I've written them both many letters, but they always come back. I've been buying Decker toys every year on his birthday and on Christmas. I even bought an incredible train set. I can only imagine how much he would love it. I hope one day I can give him his presents, before he's too old to enjoy them. But I don't know where in the world Ryan and Decker are. I wish I did. Because I'm all alone now.
Shortly after Ryan and Decker left Whisper Lake, Hank was diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes, I wonder if the cancer wasn't the result of all that anger and stress. After a hard battle, Hank passed away last month. I've gone through so many emotions since he died. I loved him so very much, but he betrayed me, and his rigid ideas sometimes made me sick to my stomach. He was such a complicated man. I think the affair really destroyed us, even though he tried to make up for it, and I tried to forgive him. But it was never really the same after that. And instead of Hank becoming a more forgiving person, because of his own experience, he became a self-proclaimed monitor of right and wrong, creating an impossible standard against which he measured his son.
I should have stepped in earlier. I was a coward, afraid to lose what little I had left of my marriage, selfishly and secretly hating that Hank was able to have a child while I could not.
But Ryan could have filled the empty spaces in my heart if I'd let him, if I'd figured out sooner that love isn't about bloodlines; it's just about love.
Now Hank is gone, and it's just me. I'd like to reconnect with Ryan and Decker. I guess I'll see if the universe brings us back together. In the meantime, I'll keep writing letters, but I don't send them anymore, because they always come back; I just keep them in my drawer. I'll keep tucking things away that remind me of them, and pick up treats for Decker, even if it's only so I can imagine him enjoying them.
My biggest regret in life is that those two boys can't feel my love. I know they need love, because so many other people turned away from them. One day, I hope they'll be able to feel it. Ryan is a great father. I see him with Decker, and Ryan puts his whole heart into their relationship. He is not following in his father's footsteps. He is forging his own path, and he is not afraid to love his little boy unconditionally. Decker will be fine with Ryan. He'll be better than fine. He'll be happy. This is what gives me the most comfort.
Decker turned the page and the next. Everything else was blank. "She didn't write anything else."
"She said it all. She told us why she couldn't throw anything away. She wanted you to see her life, feel her love, and the universe sent you back here." A sparkling light filled Chloe's eyes. "Fate."
"The universe didn't have good timing. She was already dead."
His words killed the wonder in her eyes. "That's true."
"It's too late for her to know me," he murmured.
"But not too late for you to know her, through her journal and the train and her letters. There must be letters we haven't seen yet."
