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We workon our assignment for the rest of the class period. The boys come up with a list of films and songs. I don’t have much input, but I do suggestDirty Dancing.I remember my father once going on about how it was full of sin and needed to be banned before it tainted our young minds. I've never watched it. Maybe if I had, I could blame my sins on it.
The bell rings and I say a quick goodbye to Jonas and Sister Margaret. I offer Ash a wave but he just frowns in response. I have Latin class next, and I’m looking forward to it. I know some Latin thanks to scriptures and my family, but to actually learn more, I might be able to understand what Isabella is saying behind my back.
I take a seat in the front and smile when Bastian takes the seat beside me. Ash growls when he enters the room. It seems we have the same class schedule for today.
“I was hoping to be in one of your classes, but did it have to be Latin? I’m terrible at languages,” Bastian says, and I laugh.
“I can help you. I don’t know much, but I do know some pronunciation tricks that could work.” He gives me a look, like I’m an angel sent from God to save him, and my heart flutters. I still remember what he said yesterday about me looking down. It’s a habit that I don’t think I will ever break, but it was nice for a guy not to want me to submit to him.
Father Jediah enters the room and I groan. I don’t mind him, but he’s someone who will report back to my grandmother to get into her good graces. I guess you could call him a suck up.
I turn away from Bastian and give Father Jediah my full attention.
* * *
Bastain follows me after class,and it’s nice to see someone who wants to spend time with me. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this year here. Everyone has been so cold towards me.
“So, lunch? Are you able to sit with us or do you need to meet your grandmother?” he asks me and I honestly don’t know. We never discussed it.
“I’m not sure, but I did need to ask her about something else. I’ll pop by her office and check. Can I meet you at the dining hall if she says yes?” He nods excitedly and I laugh.
“Do you want me to go with you?”
“Oh, no. Honestly, it’s better if my grandmother doesn’t see me socializing, especially with a boy. But, thank you, Bastain. Truly.” I pat his arm and he squeezes my hand.
“Bast. My friends call me Bast.” He says it so casually, not noticing how happy it made me. I was really hoping I’d make some friends here.
“Bast, then. I’ll see you in a bit… hopefully.”
Chapter9
Ireach my grandmother’s office, but it’s like a ghost town inside. Sister Prudence, who always sits outside in the main room is nowhere to be seen. Maybe she’s at lunch. I shuffle over to my grandmother’s door and lift my hand to knock, when I hear voices inside. I don’t try to eavesdrop, but the walls are pretty thin.
“I feel like I should send her back. I’m not equipped for this. Her father wants her punished to the full extent, and to fulfill her redemption, but she is still my granddaughter. And from what I’ve witnessed, she doesn’t seem to be in dire need like he states.”
Someone shuffles inside and I know I should turn around and leave, but my feet are frozen. This is the most open and honest I’ve witnessed her being, even if it is to someone else.
“She seems like she’s dealing with more than I can help her with. I’m going to start her private redemption lessons this weekend. Maybe once she repents for her sins and wicked ways, things will get easier, but as of this moment, every time she looks at me, I see my daughter, and it hurts.”
“Mother, I think Chastity is just lost. There are plenty of other girls here that have sinned and learned the error of their ways. Are you sure that severe punishment and correction is what’s needed?”
I don’t recognize the voice of the nun speaking, but I breathe a prayer of thanks for her. I know my grandmother thinks I instigated all of the unholy things that have happened to me, but I’m a victim too. I just wish someone would listen to the truth.
“It’s not up to me. If Chastity wants to leave here and have a future, she has to repent.” I’ve heard enough. Tears are running down my cheeks and I’m choking down my sobs. I wipe them away and take some deep breaths, but I feel numb.
I leave my grandmother’s office as fast as I can, feeling broken inside. I can’t believe she really thinks of me like that, and what punishments will I be taking? Haven’t I been through enough? My hands twitch, begging for me to grab my blade, but my feet lead me to the Chapel instead.
I open the large wooden door, and thankfully, it’s empty inside. I don’t know what I would do if someone witnessed my breakdown. The beautiful stained-glass windows let in a nice glow today from the sun shining outside. When I was little, I liked to sit on the white oak pews and read, gazing over all the windows. They depict some of my favorite scenes in the Bible.
Adam and Eve in the garden with the apples, David and Goliath in their final battle, Noah and his Ark, Moses parting the Red Sea, and The Good Samaritan.
It’s breathtaking, but even the ambiance isn’t helping to calm me inside. I tremble as I walk down the aisle to the prayer bench filled with candles. I reach up to light one, but I’m shaking so hard I give up and fall to my knees and pray.
“Please God, give me the strength to keep going on. Give me the ability to push all the insults and lies beneath my skin. Give me power to wake up every morning and fight. Because I feel so beaten down and weak. I don’t know how much longer I can do this for. I know you know the truth, Lord. I know you know that I’m not a sinner. I’m good. All I ever tried to be was a good girl.” I croak out the last word and fall apart, right there on the maroon carpeted floor. I expel all my tears in front of Jesus Christ on the cross. The man who died for our sins. Am I going to die because of mine too?
* * *
I never ate lunch,and when I arrive at the gym for class, I feel nauseous. I know my face is red and puffy, but I don’t care. I’m just going to get hot and sweaty in here anyway.
