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“Go to my office so we can discuss what happened here,” she tells me. “This cannot occur again though. Is that understood, Chastity? You remember the last time something like this happened.”
I inhale with a gasp. “Grandmother,” I whisper. Scowling because I’m not supposed to call her that, she dismisses me with a wave of her hand. I barely notice as Jonas leads me away.
I raise my eyes and accidentally meet Ash’s gaze. My chest heaves as I struggle to keep it together. Punishment could mean just about anything, especially when it comes to my family. My mind remembers some previous punishments doled out by my own father, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. He always loved to show me how superior he was to me. He liked it when I would submit and cower. Punishing me was a thrilling time for him and Isabella.
Memories of my father withholding water for days on end until I’d start to hallucinate fill my mind, and I shudder. My knees would be torn up because he’d pour out grits onto the floor and make me kneel on them in a dark closet while praying for forgiveness. I was worried just being here at the Academy would make me spiral, but it’s not as bad as I thought it could be. Music during Mass still doesn’t do me any favors though, and is difficult to sit through.
The people are horrid, but the demons in my mind are so much worse.
“So, do you want to talk about anything?” Jonas asks softly. I can’t help but offer him a small smile because of his golden retriever-like energy. I feel like no one could ever be mean to him. He’s just so sweet.
“You saw what happened,” I say softly, clearing my throat from the clog of tears. “Ash has acted like he hates me since I got here, but then all day today he’s been nice,” I explain. “And it was…nice. My life has been very sheltered. My parents have always been strict, and for once, it was pleasant to have someone who wanted to stick up for me.” I sigh.
“I only saw part of the story,” Jonas says as I look up at him. “I would love to hear your side, but I sure didn’t see anyone asking to hear it.”
Instead of hurting me, I feel seen. I exist in the shadows because it’s safer for me. I’m usually in trouble when the spotlight shines on me.
Chewing my lip, I decide to tell him. Jonas takes me the longer way to my grandmother’s office, and I explain how Ash saved me from the mean girls in class.
“You’ve had a hellacious day, Chastity,” he says with a sigh, as he stops in front of the office. “Look, I want to check in on the guys, because something isn’t adding up for me. The Bitch Squad is always catty, but they were really cruel to you today, and I want to find out why. Are you going to be okay waiting for your grandmother?” he asks.
I nod with a tiny smile. “Thanks for walking me. I really appreciate it.”
Jonas nods and hurries away. I wonder what part of the story it is that I’m missing.If I get out of Grandmother’s office intact, I need to find out more about the boys.
“Chastity, are you dilly dallying out there?” asks my grandmother, and I cringe. Shit, we really did take forever.
“I’m here now, Grandmother,” I tell her, walking into her office. I’m sure I’ll catch shit from her for not being expressly invited in, but I’m already in trouble.
Mother Superior stands regally behind her desk, her eyes glinting with anger and religious zeal. I know this is gonna suck. “Chastity, sit your behind in that chair this instant. You’re in so much trouble. You’re promoting fighting and jealousy between best friends. You’re going to destroy my carefully constructed school at this point, and I will not allow that to happen.”
I sit down hard, my bag banging against my leg as I stare up at her.
“I agreed to take you in because it was the best thing for you, or so I believed,” Mother Superior says. Gone is the woman who even mildly resembled my grandmother. I wheeze in a breath as I remind myself to breathe. I’m so terrified of her right now.
What if she sends me back? No, I can’t let her do that. I have to do whatever it takes to stay here at Holy Cross.
She grabs a ruler, snapping it so hard against the table that I jump. I have been subjected to belts throughout my life, but for some reason, not knowing what kind of damage a ruler can do makes me cringe away from it.
“Your father wanted to leave you in that terrible institution, you know,” Mother Superior murmurs. “I was against it because I don’t believe that God lives in those kinds of places. Even if it is religious based. It’s filled with sadness, the screams of the clinically insane, and hopelessness. I worried that you would lose who you are in that place. You’re unable to breathe fresh air, appreciate God’s grace, and therefore, without hope, there’s no reason to repent for your mistakes. You must repent, Chastity. There is no other way.”
Her eyes soften for a moment before they become stony. She must have been truly beautiful with her violet colored eyes, but her unyielding manner has made life bleed from her body. There’s only right and wrong, and she insists on molding the young minds of this Academy to fit her ideals.
“While I have some sympathy for you, I will not, and cannot, let your behavior today slip by.” I could tell her that none of this was my fault, but her ears are deaf to anything that I have to say. So instead, I sit stonily here and let her berate me. My tears are dried, and I feel empty inside. “Your previous indiscretions and impulse control issues make me believe you may have demons inside of you that must be expelled. Be prepared for your punishment that is coming, lest you shall be judged on Judgement Day,” Mother Superior intones.
Her voice is deep, her tone dark, and I stare in horror as she motions for me to stand up. “Please, put your hands out, Chastity,” Mother Superior demands. “The next time you think about making a boy’s eye stray away from his schoolwork like a teenage Jezebel, I want you to remember this pain.” Hands shaking, I put them out as she strikes me hard with a ruler across the back of my hands. Gasping, I stare up at her as my eyes well with tears from the pain.
“Don’t move your hands, we aren’t nearly done yet,” Mother Superior yells at me. I can’t remember the last time she yelled at anyone, and my eyes grow wide. “While I was waiting for you, Bridget and Lisa came by and gave me a lively story about how you performed phallic oral sex on a boy. Was this boy Ash?”
I open my mouth to deny her, and she hits me again. Over and over she rapid fire asks me questions, and refuses to let me answer before she hits me again with the ruler. I swear she’s been taking classes from Father Levi’s teachings.
After the fifth time of hitting me, she’s breathing hard, and seems even more angry than before. I stand, openly weeping, uncaring that she will see this as a sign of manipulation. “You are to leave my office and stay out of trouble, is that understood, Chastity?”
Gasping for breath, I nod. “Yes, Mother Superior,” I respond. Today she’s getting exactly what she wants, and I won’t call her Grandmother, because she certainly didn’t act like one today.
My hands are stinging and red. I pick up my bag that I left on the floor, then walk out of the room. I only manage to move a step or two into the hallway before I collapse against the wall.
“Dear God,” I whisper, staring at my hands that are red and smarting.
