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Deciding to try again, I need to know why she has to be punished. “Are you sure I am not permitted to know why she's being punished?"
“Yes. Just know that she's sinned in a major way that she needs to repent for. She knows her own sins, and keeps her own counsel,” Mother Cross insists. “I have prayed upon this, and believe you are the best person for this task.”
“If I can’t know why she needs such punishment, can you at least tell me why I’m the best person to dole them out?” She looks me over shrewdly and purses her lips, then sighs.
“You are not biased. Chastity grew up here beside the other Sisters’ and Fathers’, they still see her as an innocent little girl. I have heard reports of how you handle her in your classes. She needs a firm hand to help her reach redemption, and I’m afraid my bones are too frail for the job.”
I blink, trying to process everything. This is insane, but I can’t risk the wrath of my father, or the Elders, if I piss off Mother Cross. I nod and clear my throat.
“Okay, but I have a full plate for the next few weeks. If her ‘lessons’ can wait until then, I accept.” She gives me a grin and nods.
I leave Mother Superior's office and walk towards my apartment. I'm nowhere near any of the other priests, and for that I'm thankful. I can only imagine how they would react to the music I listen to, and the porn I watch. It would blow my cover so fast.
Dropping the paperwork on the coffee table that Mother Cross gave me, I stare at it with a frown.
Who the hell is this girl, and why is her grandmother so insistent on keeping her secrets?I can see why Ash decided he needed to know more about her, though I’ll never admit it to his face.
Bile rushes up my throat at the thoughts of what I need to do to this poor girl. From what I’ve seen in class, I don’t think she deserves such cruel and harsh punishment.
However, I’m older and smarter than him, and I know how to find answers to my many questions. I will find out the truth about Chastity Cross. Even if I have to perform these punishments to get her revelations.
Chapter14
Iavoided dinner tonight and faked being asleep. I’m not ready to face her. After singing that song, I came back to the apartment and cried myself to sleep. Now I’m wide awake when I should be sleeping. I finished my assignment for Latin, and I read a few chapters in a book about angels and demons. It’s good, but my mind just isn’t in it.
The bottom drawer in my bathroom taunts me, but I haven’t succumbed. I’m worried that after what happened earlier, I wouldn’t stop myself. These dark thoughts overcome me at times, and I even scare myself. I know I need to find a healthy alternative, but if I asked for counseling, I know it would never be approved. I’m a liar, according to everyone. They would worry about me sullying our family name even more, or possibly tarnishing the reputation of the person responsible for my mental state.
I continue sitting in my room with the door locked. The nightmares don’t let me sleep much as it is, so I don’t want my grandmother to come in and witness my weakness, in case I wake up crying again. After today, I don’t ever want to be alone with her when she’s angry.
I need to be on my best behavior from here on out. I need to keep away from those boys, though there is something about them I’m drawn too. Not in a romantic way, but as a friend. I enjoyed spending time with Ash today. I actually smiled during our picnic. It’s been a long time since I felt safe enough to open up about some of my past.
But no matter my happiness, I need to keep my grandmother content. I can’t have her give up on me, just like everyone else has. Well, everyone except…
Reaching for my phone, I pull up the only contact I have anymore from back home. I hover over his name, but chicken out before clicking it.
I know I’m the last person on this Earth he wants to talk to right now. I ruined his life. I didn’t mean to. I told people over and over again the truth, but no one wanted to believe me. Or maybe they did, but they were too scared to do anything about it.
My father can be scary at times, and his benefactors terrify me. I can't blame people for looking the other way, or following the leader.
But he didn't deserve this. He was so nice to me. Helping me when I would do my monthly runs to the orphanage in town. The kids loved him. He was a friend and I destroyed him, and the small bit of credibility he worked so hard for.
I open up a text and write him a long apology. He probably won't read it, but I need him to know how sick it makes me that things turned out like this. I hope one day to talk to him in person. Apologize face to face.
I click send and hold my breath. For all I know, he's blocked my number. I mean, I'd block myself too, if I was him. I toss my phone on the nightstand and bury my face into the pillow.
I shouldn't have done that. Oh God. I think I might be sick. What if he tries to reply? What would I even say?
I grab my phone and watch as the message is read and bubbles appear, then I panic and turn it off. I'll deal with it in the morning. It's already past two, and I know tomorrow is going to be rough.
* * *
I only sleepfor a few hours and find myself awakebefore my grandmother. I quickly shower and change into more conservative pajamas. I want to do something nice and maybe make up for yesterday. I find the ingredients and decide to make her breakfast.
I'm sifting powdered sugar over the French toast I whipped up when she leaves her room. She's perfectly dressed for Morning Mass, and I glance down to my pajamas. I know I still have a few hours to get ready, but the way she frowns at my appearance has me losing my appetite.
“What's all this?” she asks, looking over the meal I've prepared. I cross my ankles and bow my head.
“I made us breakfast. I thought maybe we could eat and talk…” I trail off, and she moves beside me to pour a mug of the coffee I brewed.
