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Misha knew what Jay was trying to say, and her already broken heart shattered into a few more pieces. It took an effort, but she managed to not start crying. It would be selfish of her to demand that Jay divide his attention between her and Peytonwhen there was a little boy who was suffering through the loss of his mom.
“I understand. You need to do what’s best for your son.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “If I’d known what was going to happen, there is no way I would have started up anything between us. It’s not fair to you.”
Misha was well acquainted with how unfair life could be, but she couldn’t find it within herself to hold Jay one hundred percent responsible for how everything had unfolded. He’d had no way of knowing what was coming when he’d asked her out on a date. Even if he’d been totally upfront about his previous relationships, this particular turn of events would still have taken them off-guard.
She just wished he wanted her by his side through all of this, the way she wanted to be.
“It’s fine.” It was anythingbutfine for Misha, but she wasn’t going to add to Jay’s stress.
“It’s not fine.”
“Let’s not dwell on what might have been and move forward. We were friends before anything else.”
Once again, a weighty silence came from Jay’s side of the call. “Yeah. Thanks for listening.” He cleared his throat. “And again, I’m sorry.”
Before Misha could say anything more, he said goodnight and ended the call. She stared at the screen of her phone as it went dark. The tears she’d been trying to hold back slid down her cheeks, dripping onto her phone.
The break she’d thought would only be temporary was now permanent, and she didn’t know how to deal with the gaping hole that had been left in her heart.
Why had God allowed this to happen? Why had He brought them all the way, to this new place, only for her to experience even more heartache? She’d had such hope for their new life in Serenity, and now all she wanted to do was leave. To hide somewhere and wait for her broken heart to heal.
But that wasn’t possible. She had a responsibility here, and after having to abandon her responsibilities in Atlanta, she wasn’t ready to do that again.
You brought us here, Heavenly Father, so I trust that You will walk with me through this heartbreak, and that You’ll give me the strength I need to face Jay every day.
Letting out a deep breath, Misha curled up under her comforter, and in the darkness of her room, she looked through all the pictures she had of Jay on her phone, allowing herself to grieve the loss of her dream of a future with him. Then, one by one, she moved the pictures to a hidden folder so they would no longer show up in her photos whenever she opened the app.
She didn’t want to delete them yet. Her heart couldn’t handle that right then, so having them out of sight was the next best thing.
Then, through tear-filled eyes, she changed her lock screen, swapping out the photo of her, Jay, and Ciara for one of her and Ciara with her mom. Her wallpaper was even harder to change since it was the photo her mom had taken before they’d left for their first date. Rather than replace it with another photo, she just chose a generic background.
Misha wished it was as easy to purge his presence from her heart as it was from her phone, but she knew that only time would mend her broken heart.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
If Jay had thought he’d disappointed and let people down before, it was nothing compared to what he was doing after returning to Serenity. He felt like he couldn’t do anything right for anyone.
Peyton was a bundle of negative emotions, with anger directed at Jay being at the forefront. Janessa was mad at him. Gareth was frustrated with him, as were most of his other siblings. His parents… well, he was pretty sure they were frustrated and disappointed too.
And Misha… she was hurt. He’d hurt her when all he’d wanted was to love and cherish her. Build a future with her.
Recently, it seemed that doing the right thing brought a lot of pain with it.
Taking custody of Peyton had been the right thing, but it had hurt the little boy tremendously. Breaking things off with Misha had been the right thing, but it had left him with an ache so intense it took his breath away if he let himself think too long on that loss.
He sat in his car in the lot behind the clinic, putting off going in, though no one else was there yet. All he wanted was a few minutes of calm. Right then, the locked car felt like an island of peace in the midst of the storm his life had become.
Getting Peyton to eat breakfast had been a battle. Asking him to get dressed had continued the battle. The only good part of the morning so far had been dropping him off at Charli’s. Not because that gave them a break from each other, but because hanging out with Charli and Layla seemed to be the only time Peyton was happy anymore.
Jay had tried to call Amberlyn the night before to insist that she talk to Peyton, but she hadn’t answered. Not that that was a surprise. She’d made it clear that she wanted a clean break.
Normally, Jay would have agreed with her, but seeing Peyton’s pain compelled him to try to do the one thing he knew would make his son feel better. At least in the short term.
The night before, they’d had a video chat with the therapist they’d been seeing in Idaho Falls, but it hadn’t gone well. Jay knew he needed to find someone closer so that they could have face-to-face meetings.
Putting his arms on the steering wheel, Jay leaned forward to rest his forehead on them. He was so tired. The emotional toll all of this was taking on him had worn him out more than the most intensive workout ever had.
